Thursday, February 29, 2024
Such a Pain
I was scrolling through Twitter (I have a hard time calling it X) when I came across a tweet by @itsjustdovglad that described what it was like to have a chronic illness. He had fibromyalgia, which is a chronic illness that my mother also had, but as you know if you regularly read this blog, I have chronic migraines. It’s often hard to describe what it’s like to be in constant and never ending pain, but the description below sums it up pretty well:
Chronic Illness - What you should know
Inside every chronically ill person is a healthy person wondering what on earth happened to them.
We struggle to do the very simplest daily tasks and feel guilty that most of what needs doing won't even get started.
We are not faking it or being lazy; often we make ourselves worse by trying to hide our illness and carry on with life pretending we are healthy.
Just because we did something yesterday doesn't mean that we'll be able to manage it today.
The likelihood is, we pushed ourselves more than we should have and it will take us days, maybe weeks, to recover.
The question "How are you feeling?" is the most difficult question for us as we can't remember what it feels to be 'normal' and not in pain.
It hurts more than you can imagine to have to say no to the things we want to do but can't manage because of our illness.
We do things at pain levels others wouldn't even consider moving at because if we don't we won't have a life.
I’ve never come across a more accurate description of what it’s like. This describes my chronic migraines so well. People with chronic illnesses may be in constant pain, but we go on with life because we have to or else it wouldn’t be worth living if we only focused on the pain and let it beat us.
Currently, I feel very fortunate that my current treatments (Qulipta and Botox along with other medications for my trigeminal neuralgia) are working to reduce my migraines and the pain associated with it, but I know all too well how that can change at any time. For now though, I am very thankful that I have days without migraines. I have some days when the migraines are sudden, sharp, and severe, but also brief, lasting only a few minutes at a time. I still have migraine days, when I wake up with a migraine and go to sleep at night with the same migraine that has been with me all day. Some days, though migraines can last several days in a row before there is some relief.
It can be difficult to keep on keeping on, but I am thankful that I now have more days without pain than with pain. Before this last Botox treatment, I had migraines 30 out of 30 days a month. Now, that has reduced to about 10 out of 30 days. For me, that’s a significant improvement.
Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Random Memory
Years ago, back when I was in graduate school and living in Mississippi, I remember I was at a CVS and across the street there was a shirtless guy sitting on a motorcycle. I am not particularly a fan of motorcycles. (I think they are loud and annoying, and my brother-in-law has spent money on his motorcycles that should have been going to clothes or other necessities for his wife and kids. However, that’s getting off on a tangent, and I don’t really want to offend anyone who’s a motorcycle enthusiast.) On that particular day, which was probably twenty years ago, I just remember how hot and sexy that guy looked in his motorcycle. I know it’s dangerous to ride without wearing more protective clothing and a helmet, but damn, did seeing that shirtless guy with a fantastic body get my motor revving. I remember the motorcycle he was on is what we usually called a “crotch rocket.” If you’re unfamiliar with the term, crotch rocket is slang for a racing-style motorcycle, a sport bike, with an aerodynamic body shape that keeps the rider leaning forward and down. Below is a picture of a “crotch rocket” and one of the sexiest models in history, Pietro Boselli. The picture below reminds me of the guy I saw that day.
That guy was subject of my nighttime fantasies for years, and as you might be able tell from this post, it’s a memory that has stayed with me. It’s funny how a memory that was probably only a few minutes in time can be something that turns you on for many years to come.
Do you have a sexy memory like that, one that was only momentary but stayed with you for years afterwards? What was it?
Tuesday, February 27, 2024
From “The Age of Aquarius”
From “The Age of Aquarius”
By Roy G. Guzmán
Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in. I have learned to repeat these words to myself whenever I feel stuck.
Fear rustles mantras out of my body. I have risked a motherland. Why not also seduce the foreigner who implores nativity if loneliness can be broken and shared?
When Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical debuts on Broadway in April of 1968, it becomes the first production to include a nude scene with its entire cast.
Around the same time, Star Trek has popularized the phrase, Where no man has gone before.
Our bodies contain elements of outer space. So that when we’re naked we are gazing at the universe.
The night of my second panic attack, after getting released from the hospital and determined to change my mental health’s course, I dream of a nebula in the shape of an octopus, holding an astronaut in each tentacle. From my perspective, the cosmonauts feed on all my arms.
No more falsehoods or derisions. Golden living dreams of visions. Mystic crystal revelation and the mind's true liberation.
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, plurality overtakes singularity. History becomes bored by its self-referentialism. Triangles burrow into single lines. Equal signs collapse on the spikes of other equal signs.
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, we give birth to information and information delivers us. I make a fist and my fist speaks in four languages. Letters enter me and suddenly I experience flavors few before me have.
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, gender is a tree is a building is a cloud. It is anything that hasn’t been said. The truest instinct one listens to more and more.
About this Poem
“Literature on mental illness, written by queer and trans BIPOC authors, is hard to come about. Adding to that unique legacy, this excerpt is part of a longer piece about mental health, queer love, pop culture, and decolonial worldmaking. I am interested in the various connections between the individual and what we gather under the umbrella term ‘collective.’ As you read this excerpt, play The 5th Dimension’s version of the medley ‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ and imagine what a better tomorrow might look like.”—Roy G. Guzmán
About the Poet
Roy G. Guzmán was born in Honduras and raised in Miami, Florida. They received an MFA from the University of Minnesota.
Guzmán is the author of the full-length collection Catrachos (Graywolf Press, 2020) and the chapbook Restored Mural for Orlando (Queerodactyl Press, 2016). The recipient of a 2017 Ruth Lilly and Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry Fellowship and a 2016 Scribe for Human Rights Fellowship, among other awards, Guzmán is currently pursuing a PhD in comparative studies in discourse and society at the University of Minnesota. They live in Minneapolis.
Monday, February 26, 2024
The Weekend That Wasn’t
I feel like this was the weekend that wasn’t. On Friday, I went to work at 7:30 am as usual, but I was working until after 9 pm. At least Isabella let me sleep in a little on Saturday; she did not afford me the same courtesy today or yesterday. Even though I slept in a bit on Saturday, most of my afternoon was spent at the museum giving tours. I always enjoy giving tours for this particular group. I generally do these particular tours a few times a year, and at least it was not a full workday on Saturday since we are currently not opening on weekends except for special occasions. (We are a bit short staffed right now.) Yesterday, I had a migraine all day. I have been experiencing a significant decrease in my migraines since my last Botox treatment, but no migraine treatment will ever be 100 percent.
So, a new week begins. Thankfully, it shouldn’t be a busy week, just a few meetings here and there. I hope all of you have a wonderful week!
Sunday, February 25, 2024
Honesty
The truthful lip shall be established forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.—Proverbs 12:19
Over the years, I have had to deal with unscrupulous and disingenuous individuals, deceitful business practices, and those who attempt scam us for their personal gain. Other than losing someone you love, I think it’s one of the hardest things in life. Sometimes, we are able to see through the lies immediately and can do something about it.
Politicians lie to us every day, just look at a certain former president of the United States who lost an election by millions of votes, yet he continues to claim that the more than 7 millions of votes he lost by are fraudulent. Many in his party even support this lie. We all know that politicians are going to lie to get elected. I am skeptical of all politicians, because I don’t think any of them are completely honest all the time. However, we are able to vote against the ones who tell the most grievous and/or dangerous lies.
The internet has become a major source of modern day lies. We all get spammed by emails everyday phishing for our information and attempting to defraud us. Usually, spam emails are easy to spot and be marked as spam, and most email programs will even attempt to filter out spam messages. If you use dating apps, there are so many scammers, and you constantly have to look scrupulously at people on dating apps to see the signs of a scammer. Social media is constantly full of lies and misleading information. We have to be vigilant against such falsehoods and scams, but again, we can usually avoid these lies by paying attention to what we read.
But the lies that harm us on a personal level are the hardest to deal with. I think the most harmful is probably when loved ones lie to you, especially when your partner cheats on you. Luckily, I have never had to deal with that, but I’ve also had few long term relationships in my life. What can also be the most disheartening is when we trust someone in our lives maybe it’s someone you hired to work with you who turns out to not to be the person they led you to believe they were, or it’s someone you conduct business with that you find have lied to you.
John 8:31-32 says, “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’” Sadly though, while the “truth will set you free,” it’s not something that comes quickly, and sometimes, it comes at great cost. There is a expression that may originate in a book written by Anthony Weldon in 1651, The Court and Character of King James: “The Italians having a Proverb, ‘He that deceives me once, it’s his fault; but if twice, it’s my fault.’” In other words, we have to learn from our mistakes.
None of us want to go through life constantly worried that someone is deceiving us. I haven’t often been in the position of being in the hiring decision process, though it’s become more frequent in the last several years. The first several times I was part of the hiring process, did not turn out well as I’d hoped. I misjudged the people. With one, the top job candidates was discovered to be a nightmare to work with before they were hired, and another one fooled me completely, and I’ve regretted trusting that the person was being genuine. They turned out to be the opposite of what they seemed. Now, I feel like I’ve lost my confidence in deciding on who is genuinely honest and who is good at playing a part by telling us what we want to hear.
The other lie I’m dealing with at the moment is because I trusted someone in an oral agreement, when I should have had it written on paper to have the proof I needed. I worked for an attorney for years, and I should have known not to take someone’s word for something but to make sure I got it in writing. In my defense, I was in an exceedingly difficult situation, and I felt trusting this person was my only option. Now, I feel like an idiot.
I don’t want to go through life never being able to trust anyone, but I’ve learned too many times, and to my detriment, that just because I’m an honest person, not everyone else is. Thankfully, I do have some very genuine people in my life that I can always count on to be honest and supportive. They are the ones who I believe were heaven sent.
I just pray that the world at large will one day be a more honest place. Sadly, I doubt it ever will be, but we can do something about it. Just as we can live our lives as model Christians, we can also make sure that we are also truth tellers. We may not always receive honesty in return, but if we are truthful, the truth will set us free. That freedom may only come in the next life, but if we live our lives by the Golden Rule, “whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12), our reward will be greater than anything that we can experience on this earth.
Saturday, February 24, 2024
Moment of Zen: Sleeping In
I slept until 6:30 this morning. I can’t remember the last time I slept that late, or the last time Isabella allowed me to sleep that late.
Friday, February 23, 2024
It’s Friday
It’s Friday, but it’s not the end of my work week. I have to go in tomorrow for a few hours to open up the museum for some tours that will be coming through. I really don’t mind. I’ve done tours for this particular group (there are different people each time, but they are on campus for the same reason), and it’s never bad. Tours only aggravate me when there is someone who has specific questions about weapons, engines, or other military minutiae that I don’t have an answer for. Usually, the person asking already has the answer and wants to show off how much they know. Usually, tours are very easy going.
I’ll also be giving a tour today, but I’ll have coworkers with me who can answer any difficult questions. I can tell stories about our artifacts all day long, but when it comes to specifications of a piece, I sometimes have issues. I’ve also never been good at remembering numbers, so that also makes those type of questions difficult.
Today is going to be another long Friday just like last Friday. At least I’ll get a good dinner at a nice restaurant tonight. I just hope I like the person I have to spend much of the day and evening with because I might have to deal with them a lot more in the future.
Anyway, that’s all the ramblings I have for today. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, February 22, 2024
Time
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.—Bertrand Russell
People often have different definitions of what wasting time means. I know of a lot of people who were told when they were younger that they were wasting time because they were doing something they enjoyed. Maybe they were day dreaming, doodling, or even reading a book, but if you think about it, the imagination of poets and writers comes from their day dreams, great artists began as doodlers, and reading is how we learn. We agree with Bertrand Russell that if you enjoyed what you are doing, then you’re not wasting your time.
Bertrand Arthur William Russell, 3rd Earl Russell, OM, FRS (18 May 1872 – 2 February 1970) was a British mathematician, philosopher, and public intellectual.
Wednesday, February 21, 2024
Getting Over the Hump
I worked from home yesterday. Usually, I work from home on Fridays but last week and this week, we are having visitors to the museum that I have to be there to meet with. It will be another long Friday because I am taking our guest to dinner Friday night. Luckily, there are no major tasks to be done today or tomorrow. I have a meeting this morning and am meeting with a photographer this afternoon for him to take photos of one of our artifacts.
What I’d really like to do today is stay in bed and either read or lay in the dark. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I started seeing an aura, a reliable sign that a migraine is coming. Since the second round of Botox injections, my migraines have been so much better, but nothing is likely to make them go away completely. With seeing the aura last night, it’s no surprise that I have the beginnings of a migraine. It’s been steadily getting worse the longer I’m awake.
If it gets significantly worse, I may not be at work all day, though I hope that doesn’t happen. As much as I’d like to stay home today, I have at least one thing to do today which I need access to my desktop computer for. The other reason I’m hoping it doesn’t get worse is that I really need to go by the grocery store on my way home today. It’s something I’ve been putting off that i should have done over the weekend. Going grocery shopping with a migraine is never a good idea because even with a list, I’ll still forget something in my rush to get in and out of the store.
Anyway, that’s all the babbling stream of consciousness I have for today. Have a great day, everyone!
Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Cold War
Cold War
By Randall Mann
If you can remember the cold war, you’re too old for me.
—Grindr profile
Because you’re twenty-two, and in your prime,
you silently refuse to date, or “date.”
When war was cold, I had a lovely time.
I messaged you and sent a shot of grime,
then shot some more. It must have been too late.
Because you’re twenty-two, and in your prime?
Perhaps. I’m shifting like a paradigm.
And all the new assumptions formulate
as if our war were cold. A lovely time:
I’ll exercise my stock, internal rhyme—
the currency is yours to circulate.
I’m forty-nine; my interest rate is prime.
Suppose that poverty is not a crime.
Suppose you more or less accommodate,
like war. When cold, we’ll have a lovely time.
Perhaps you’ll click on me in wintertime.
Proximity is constant; so is fate.
Was I twenty-two? Before my prime
the war was cold. I had a lovely time.
About this Poem
“When I read this epigraph on a Grindr profile, I laughed, dryly, and then wrote it down in my notebook. When I returned to it, the villanelle just sort of wrote itself. This poem is in conversation with, and takes a few gestures from, an uncollected villanelle, ‘Complaint,’ that I published in 2002.” —Randall Mann
About the Poet
Randall Mann is the author of six collections of poetry, most recently Deal: New and Selected Poems (Copper Canyon Press, 2023), as well as Proprietary (Persea Books, 2017) and Straight Razor (Persea Books, 2013). He lives in San Francisco.
A Note about Villanelles
The villanelle is a highly structured poem made up of five tercets followed by a quatrain, with two repeating rhymes and two refrains. Besides sonnets, the villanelle is my favorite poetic form.
Rules of the Villanelle Form
The first and third lines of the opening tercet are repeated alternately in the last lines of the succeeding stanzas; then in the final stanza, the refrain serves as the poem’s two concluding lines. Using capitals for the refrains and lowercase letters for the rhymes, the form could be expressed as: A1 b A2 / a b A1 / a b A2 / a b A1 / a b A2 / a b A1 A2.
History of the Villanelle Form
Strange as it may seem for a poem with such a rigid rhyme scheme, the villanelle did not start off as a fixed form. During the Renaissance, the villanella and villancico (from the Italian villano, or peasant) were Italian and Spanish dance-songs. French poets who called their poems “villanelle” did not follow any specific schemes, rhymes, or refrains. Rather, the title implied that, like the Italian and Spanish dance-songs, their poems spoke of simple, often pastoral, or rustic themes.
While some scholars believe that the form as we know it today has been in existence since the sixteenth century, others argue that only one Renaissance poem was ever written in that manner—Jean Passerat’s “Villanelle,” or “J’ay perdu ma tourterelle”—and that it wasn’t until the late nineteenth century that the villanelle was defined as a fixed form by French poet Théodore de Banville.
Regardless of its provenance, the form did not catch on in France, but it has become increasingly popular among poets writing in English. An excellent example of the form is Dylan Thomas’s “Do not go gentle into that good night.”
Contemporary poets, such as Randall Mann, have not limited themselves to the pastoral themes originally expressed by the free-form villanelles of the Renaissance and have loosened the fixed form to allow variations on the refrains. Elizabeth Bishop’s “One Art” is another well-known example; other poets who have penned villanelles include W. H. Auden, Oscar Wilde, Seamus Heaney, David Shapiro, and Sylvia Plath.
Monday, February 19, 2024
The Week Ahead
I’m sitting here early on a Monday morning contemplating the week ahead. There isn’t much on my agenda at work this week, except for Friday which will be a long day. My week will basically consist of a few meetings scattered throughout the week, some projects I need to finish up, and a full day and evening of meetings on Friday. Like last Friday, I’ll be heading into work at 7:30 am, and it’s doubtful that I’ll get home much before 9 pm that night.
At least the evening meeting is at a nice restaurant with great food. It’s rare that I get to go to this restaurant two weeks in a row. I’m looking forward to the Salmone Cucina, which they describe as “wood roasted salmon with artichokes, red peppers, lemon, and capers in a white wine sauce served with risotto.” I’ll probably also get dessert which will either be their Chocolate Ganache Cake or the Lemon Italian Cream Cake, both of which are very good. I had the Salmone Cucina with the Lemon Italian Cream Cake last Friday. I usually get that because it’s an Italian restaurant, and the pasta dishes are not really something you can eat gracefully.
Other than Friday, the rest of the week should be fairly easy going (knock on wood). I wish we had today off since it’s Presidents’ Day, but like most universities and museums, we don’t take Presidents’ Day as a holiday.
I hope all of you have a wonderful week ahead!
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Inseparable
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.—Romans 8:38-39
Romans 8:38-39 are verses that every true Christian, especially LGBTQ+ Christians, should keep in their hearts. This is especially true of those that f us who were grew up in conservative and unwelcoming churches. When churches are unwelcoming, they drive people away when they should be opening their arms to all people, no matter their sexuality or race or any other defining characteristic that some people who call themselves Christians claim separate us from fellowship with God.
Oh, many of those same Christians will say, “Hate the sin, but love the sinner,” but those words mean nothing. It is still a hateful rejection because they are passing judgment when only God can pass judgment. In Matthew 7:1-2, Jesus says, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” James in James 4:12 says, “There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?”
God clearly tells us that man cannot and should not judge us by their own rules, and likewise, those man-made rules “nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God.” People may try to separate us from God’s love and try to make us believe that we are not worthy of God’s love, but nothing can separate us from God’s love.
Too many LGBTQ+ Christians have been driven from churches, have had hate shouted at them, or laws passed against them by people claiming to be doing God’s work while they are doing the opposite. When hate in any form becomes the defining character of a person or a church, they have not separated us from God, but they’ve have separated themselves from God.
Remember, nothing anyone says or does can separate us from God’s love. His love is as everlasting and unwavering as our love of God should be.
Saturday, February 17, 2024
Friday, February 16, 2024
The Snow Is Back
Just after Burlington broke their record for the most consecutive winter days without snow on the ground (16 days), we finally received more than a dusting of snow. The forecast had called for 2-4” of snow. Luckily, when I looked outside, it appears we got closer to the 2” than 4”.
I’m glad that it wasn’t too much snow because today is not a day I could take a snow day and work from home. I have important meetings at the museum all day today, one will even cause me to be there an hour late. Then, I have a business dinner to continue the meetings tonight. At least the museum is paying for the dinner tonight. I’m just crossing my fingers that all goes well today.
Thursday, February 15, 2024
Wine & Truth
Since I started back to being able to actually read books, because improvement with my headaches, instead of only listening to audiobooks, I’ve been reading a series of male/male romances called “Vino & Veritas.” The series has one pre-series book (Roommate by Sarina Bowen), nineteen books with in the original Vino and Veritas series (two of the books are female/female romance, which I skipped) and an additional six books in the “In Vino Veritas” series. The description of the series says:
Welcome to Vino & Veritas, your new favorite LGBTQ+ friendly and inclusive bookstore and wine bar in Burlington, Vermont! Have a seat at the bar or browse the aisles. There's romance lurking behind every corner...
Two things drew me into this series from the beginning: it takes place in Burlington and it’s about an inclusive bookstore and bar. I wish Vino & Veritas really existed in the Church Street Marketplace, but sadly, it’s all fictional. With twenty-seven books, there are some good and some not so good. Each of the books is written by a different author. There are very few of them, besides the lesbian ones, that I would not recommend. Some stand out more than others.
The books by J. E. Birk are particularly good because she was raised in Vermont, and the real familiarity with Vermont makes a difference. She has also started another series “Devon Falls” which continue to take place in this fictional Vermont, though not centered around the Vino and Veritas bookstore and wine bar. Most of the other books are written by women (most m/m romance authors are women) who have probably never been to Vermont, but most have done their research. Vermont is a quirky place, and in the books where Vermont itself feels like a character in the book instead of merely a backdrop are the best in my opinion.
When I finish the book I’m currently reading, Unforgettable by Marley Valentine (I find it funny that I just happened to start this book on Valentine’s Day), I have two more books in the series. Then I’ll move on to the “In Vino Veritas” series.
Wednesday, February 14, 2024
Happy Valentine’s Day
I hope all of you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope it’s a day filled with love.
❤️HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!❤️