Coming Out: “Am I, or Am I Not?”

This is the first of the poems I wrote as a way to figure out my sexuality. A warning, I am not a great poet, but it does represent my feelings at the time before I came out even to myself.
Am I, or Am I Not?
I love to look,
I love to watch
But it is forbidden.
I have never acted.
Acting would mean banishment
A loss of all that I know and love
I would feel so safe, but
Yet I would feel such danger.
The eminent danger of a slow agonizing death.
What should I do?
I leave that to God.
Yet he forbids it most according to St. Paul.
I have acted in the opposite,
But that too is sin.
What can I do?
No one can answer.
I live a lie, but both must not be an option.
The curves, the beauty, the caress.
Am I acting or another?
Which can it be?
Who can I trust?
Only intoxication allows trust.
The agony of decision.
To forever e damned by what
I love for who I love.
Oh, how I ache.
Praying for an answer
I already know
Praying for forgiveness of urges
Prayers to move toward the light.
What shall I do?
I love all
I fear all
This cannot be
Though it is
Purification, meditation, prayer,
Purity, harmony, peace,
Hypocrisy, prudence, piety.
The church is the one true love
That beckons without remorse.
Can I follow that path and not be a heretic?
I doubt it,
I don’t know.
Where are the answers?
Where is the happiness?
God, please, guide me.
Show me the righteous way.

As I was unpacking after my move to my new house, I found a sort of diary that I wrote several years ago. Inside were three poems that I wrote about my feelings concerning coming out.