Lies and Controversy

On August 21, the gay blogger and youtuber, Davey Wavey (www.breaktheillusion.com), posted a video blog about the “7 Huge Gay Lies” that gay men tell.  In the video, Davey explained that the majority of gays lie about:

• how many partners they’ve ever had
• using gay hookup sites
• cheating on their boyfriends
• their penis size
• their fetishes
• having safe sex
• their age

This caused a shitstorm of controversy which, sadly, led Davey to take down the video and post this one instead.  The controversy around the video was led by another gay blogger and youtuber named Tyler Oakley, who claims that these are just negative stereotypes and teach young gays bad habits, while also denying ever lying about any of the above. (I’ll take him at his word on this.)  I personally have never lied about any of the things above either, though Tyler goes further to state that not only has he never lied about any of these things, but that he has never done any of them.  In a comment on Davey Wavey’s original video he stated:

1. I’m honest on how many partners I’ve had.
2. I’ve never used a hookup site.  I met my boyfriend on a blind date.
3. I’ve never cheated.  I have respect for them and myself.
4. I’ve never been in a situation where someone has asked me for my penis size, so I’ve never had a chance to lie about it.  Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have.
5. I only have safe sex with committed tested partners.
6. I’ve never lied about my age.

You should stop perpetrating stereotypes.

Now, if these is true, great for Tyler.  Like I said before I won’t say he is lying because maybe he is not.  But, I have a few things to say, and I will go through them point by point (all seven of them).

First of all, I am as honest about how many partners I’ve had as I can be, though the exact number is a little fuzzy. (I’ll be the first to say that I had my slutty phase, but I don’t think it was too slutty of a phase.) There are some hookups, that I would like to forget, but I have a pretty good memory of them.  To give an example of one of the ones I would like to forget was a guy that I met online.  He was a fellow teacher (special ed, which in my opinion makes him a pretty special person).  We seemed to have a lot in common, and I enjoyed our chats.  We decided to get together for some “fun.”  We were chatting after we met up, and he was talking about his kids.  Now, I always refer to my students as my kids, so I didn’t think anything more of it.  Then he made a comment about his wife.  We were kind of in the heat of the moment, and I put it at the back of my mind while we were both naked.  In retrospect, I should have stopped him and sent him on his way.  I believe in being faithful to a partner, and I felt disgusted with myself for fooling around with a married man.  It is not one of the highlights of my life.  Not all men are honest about the number of partners they’ve had.  I’ve run into this many times.  We should be honest with each other, and Davey is right that not all of us are.

As stated in the previous paragraph, I have used gay hookup sites.  When you are a gay man in the South, there are several good reasons for this.  1)  There aren’t a lot of places to go meet other gay men, especially while living in small towns or rural areas.  2)  Not everybody has friends who know other gay friends to set them up on blind dates, and it can be hard to find us in a small community. 3) Sometimes we need to be discreet.  There are other reasons, but these are the three biggies.  Good for Tyler for not using gay hookup sites, but what is wrong with it?  Those sites are not just about sex and immediate hookups, though many guys think of them as such.  I have met some great people that I have had a lot of fun with, sex or not, on these sites, and I will not lie about it (though maybe I will be vague about it to some of my straight friends).  The point is, why lie?  It is nothing to be ashamed of. (And on a side note, we know Davey Wavey has used hookup sites because he has blogged about it, and his naked profile pics are all over the internet.)

I personally have never cheated in the traditional sense of the word, except for the special ed teacher, and that was accidental.  I didn’t’ think I had to ask if he was married or not.  I was naïve, and I have since learned.  Furthermore, you all should know that I am a Christian.  In my belief, lusting in one’s heart (as Jimmy Carter put it), masturbating to the image of another man, checking out that hot guy across the room, etc., are all forms of cheating. That brief though is a betrayal of your partner, and you are not being completely faithful to your partner.  The old saying “Just because you are on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu,” is actually just plain wrong.  If you are in a committed relationship, then why would your eye wonder.  Truth be told, it is human nature for our eyes to wonder.  How do we remedy this?  I honestly don’t know, but I have no doubt that we should be honest with our partners.  Lies only lead to problems.

Now, penis size… OMFG!  I mean really.  If I had a dollar for every time a man lied to me about his penis size, I might not be a millionaire, but I’m pretty sure I would be comfortably well off. If I had a dollar for every time any man has lied about his penis size to me or not, I would be at least a billionaire.  Tyler wrote, “I’ve never been in a situation where someone has asked me for my penis size, so I’ve never had a chance to lie about it.  Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have.”  Really, he has never had that conversation with someone else. I’ve had that conversation with straight men and gay men alike and numerous female friends.  When it comes down to it, most men lie just a little.  I don’t, because honestly, I’m happy with my size.  I wish it were a bit longer, but I’ve never had a complaint. And as for Tyler’s statement, “Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have” what kind of fucking boring life does Tyler live.  I mean really. (Maybe that is not fair, but I dislike it when people try to act like total goody two shoes.)  What the hell does this guy talk about.  It is certainly not all that I talk about, but there is nothing to be shameful or deceptive about.  I have friends who are very open about these kinds of things, and a couple of beers, sex talk, and you have a fun night ahead.  (A tidbit of historical gossip here, the only man in history that it was widely rumored during his lifetime to have a huge penis is Marcus Antonius.  Believe it or not, in Ancient Rome, this was a slur.  He was seen as being led around by his cock, and subsequently, Cleopatra.  If it was so big, how did he keep it hidden under that short leather skirt?) Enough said. Just be honest about your size.

Okay, so I will admit that I don’t always tell everyone I am with about my fetishes. If a guy were to ask, I would tell.  We all have things that we find sexually exciting.  By the way, Tyler did not address this lie.  Does he tell all of his partners about his fetishes? Why did he leave this out? Maybe he really is just completely boring (again, maybe not fair).  I’ve never read his blog, and after seeing how he reacted to Davey’s video, I don’t think I want to.

As for safe sex, I haven’t always been safe.  I was the top in unprotected anal sex once (long story that involves and orgy and a guy that put my dick into his ass before I knew it, and in the heat of the moment I went with it).  Tyler wrote, “I only have safe sex with committed tested partners.”  Again good for him, but he never says that he is always honest with them.  Also, no sex is totally safe.  Tests are not always accurate. Partners are not always faithful, no matter what we want to believe.  Oral sex is not completely safe (though deemed low risk if you don’t swallow) even if you use dental dams and condoms.  Condoms can break.  All kinds of problems can happen.  Abstinence and solo masturbation are the only truly safe sex.   All the rest is “safer” sex.  Again, this is something that I am honest about. There is no reason to lie.  Better to be safe than sorry.

I will not, have not, and never will lie about my age.  A year older is a thing to celebrate, and it  beats the hell out of the alternative (i.e. death).  I am happy that I am a 33 year old man.  There are more things that I wish I had done before this age (finished my PhD for one), but we all have some regrets.  It doesn’t make me ashamed of my age.  Have men and women ever lied to me about their age?  Yes, they have, and they will continue to do so as long as we have an emphasis on youth. Be honest and be proud.

I don’t think (in fact, I know) Davey Wavey was not trying to perpetuate stereotypes, but in is touch feely gay guru way was talking about honesty.  Davey Wavey, from all of his stuff that I have read and watched, tries to get us as gay men to love ourselves and to guard ourselves against the ever prevalent self-hatred that so many of us face at on time or another.  I am sorry that he took down the video.  I didn’t get to see it before it was taken down, but I can’t believe it was offensive as Tyler lambasted him for.  What Davey is like in real life is, I hope, very close to the personality he portrays on his blog and videos. I may not divulge my completely true identity here, but I endeavor to be honest about who I am.  Some of my readers who have gotten to know me outside of my blog would, and again I hope, describe me as a loving and caring person.  And as a human being, I may have a temper on occasion and my students get to see it every so often.  None of us are perfect.  I still work very hard to follow my two main rules in life:

Do unto others and you would have them do unto you.

and

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I don’t always succeed, but I do my very best.  I am sorry that the gay community lashed out at Davey Wavey for being honest about what he sees as problems in the gay community.  Never has there been a civil rights movement (at least not in my knowledge), that have taken criticism about and especially from within their community well.  A few weeks ago, I was honored to hear a conference paper about homophobia in the African-American Civil Rights Movement.  The main person that the presenter was discussing was a gay man (and as I write this I can’t remember his name) who got moved to a behind the scenes position, and eventually out of the movement, because of his perceived sexual immorality, i.e. his homosexuality.  However, it was this particular person, who while Martin Luther King, Jr. was receiving the Nobel Peace Prize was called upon to ask King and the other ministers gathered to “stop having orgies in the hotel.”  The point is that until we start working together instead of letting the green monster of jealousy and our own ignorance about our community, we cannot move forward.  We will only move backwards.  Yes, the GLBT community is very diverse, but we have one thing in common, and that is that we are GLBT, we love someone of the same sex, and we have a long road ahead of us for equality.

Further Reading:

• Davey Wavey’s Why I Deleted My Video.
• Tyler Oakley’s Post
• Tandy Larson’s An open letter to Tyler Oakley and Davey Wavey
• Tyler Oakley’s Reaction to Larson’s post: “We disagree on the matter.”

There are many other reactions: negative to either Davey or Tyler. I think if you read Tyler’s original post and his reaction to Larson’s “open letter” you will see that Tyler probably took Davey’s comments the wrong way, at least in my opinion.  This post is most of all to address the “7 Huge Gay Lies” that Davey outlined in his post.  I think the original message is worth reading and that the vitriolic reaction to it tells us (sadly) a lot about the gay community.

For something of more of a lighter mood click “more” below.  Warning it contains graphic nudity.

 

It will not get bigger just because you lie about it.

I wonder if Pinocchio ever grows a mustache, LOL.  I’ve never been a huge fan of shaved pubes.

Be happy with what you’ve got.