Common Cold
Ogden Nash
Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.
By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!
Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.
Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.
A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!
Mr. Nash describes very well how I feel right now, though mine is sinus problems. This stanza is the best description:
By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!
I'm still going to school today, so my students will get to be quiet and do some busy work (I hate giving busy work) and y'all get a relatively short post, with what I consider to be a cute little poem.
If you are wondering why I don't just call in sick, it seems that we have a several other teachers out and we are having a problem finding enough substitutes. So since I am not contagious, I will go to school and make it through the day, so that I can use the weekend to rest.
Joe: Hot tea with some honey.
ReplyDeleteadd some whisky to the honey...sip slowly..
ReplyDeleteDayquil, lots of dayquil. Hopefully the day will go fast and you can get back to a nice warm bed and a stack of books. This always happens when the weather's warm in the winter.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can't figure out is how "under the weather" became a euphemism for being sick. We're always "under the weather" unless we're in the International Space Station (or on our way to or from it)!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!!! Hope you feel better quickly. It's not fun being sick, and at least the week is now done so you can take the weekend to get better.
Peace <3
Jay
Thanks, everyone. I hope that a few days of rest will get me to feeling better.
ReplyDeleteJay, this popular phrase for "ill" dates back to 1827. It is commonly believed that bad weather can make you sick. It may also be that "under the weather" is an old sailor phrase. When men were sick, they would rest below deck and thus were literally "under" the weather on deck.
I figured if anyone would know, you would!!! Cool, now go to bed and get feeling better. I recommend bourbon and lemon juice to clean out the head and put you to sleep (not necessarily in that order).
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay