My parents were supposed to come visit me this fall. I wanted them to see how beautiful Vermont is at that time of year. A few weeks ago, my mother informed me that they were going to North Carolina instead. When I asked why they weren't coming to see me, she replied that they didn't have time. My feelings were terribly hurt, but she doesn't seem to care. Even when I tried last night to tell her that she'd hurt my feelings, she just said goodbye. I guess she didn't want to hear it. She may not care but that hurt my feelings even more. Why do parents treat us this way? One minute she wants me to move home because she says she misses me and the next she won't come to visit because she doesn't have the time. I just don't get it. My parents are both retired. They have plenty of time to do what they want, but I guess seeing me is not what they want.
Dear Joe, parents can be the best or the worst, but they are seemingly in our lives forever. Your mother's comments—about not visiting this Fall, and then hanging up last night when you wanted to talk—are heartbreaking; IMO most definitely 'unmotherly' behavior toward a child she would profess to love. Her desire for you to move back home shows her own conflicted state. This push/pull behavior with you is not something you can control or change. Whatever her issues, they are hers alone. They in no way reflect upon your worth as an individual. But knowing this truth and believing it can be very difficult; our parents hold an emotional string connecting us to them throughout our lives. You want their love, but they can turn around and hurt us so easily.
ReplyDeleteI don't claim special insight into how to resolve the turmoil this situation must be causing you, but please try not to dwell on your mother's actions. You are a beautiful person and need to love and take good care yourself—for yourself. <3 <3
Dear Joe, We all of us feel so deeply for you in this moment. Some people are unable to offer unconditional love. I had very demanding and so difficult parents (but they meant well), so I had to put (physical) distance between them and myself. The situation taught me to offer total and unconditional love to both my children. I could write about why I think your mother is behaving so cruelly, but this does not seem the time and the place. Love you, R.
ReplyDeletePossibly she just means that she doesn't have the time for a 600 mile detour on THIS trip, which I imagine may be tied in with visiting Gatlinburg, Biltmore or some sights like that, such that they already have a full schedule planned. They imagine that you and Vermont's fall color will always be there, which, candidly is right within a certain span (i.e., whatever their remaining life span may be). And they probably don't want to be away from home for too long at any one time. So try to not let it bother you. Maybe you could offer to fly to Asheville and meet up with them just for a part of their trip (like a weekend tour of Biltmore?). We your readers love you regardless of your mother's issues.
ReplyDeleteSteve, I would agree with you if they hadn't been talking about coming up here for over a year. They had been making plans and then all of a sudden, I find out they are going to NC instead.
ReplyDeleteI moved away from my birth city thirty-five years ago. My parents never visited me. I was always expected to travel to them for holidays. I stopped visiting. I didn't see my parents for fifteen years. I consider it their loss, not mine. I built a great family of friends in lieu of my biological family.
ReplyDeleteI think you mother is being manipulative. She only wants a relationship on her terms. Why move back? You can't change other people. You can only change how you react to them.
Joe, I rarely comment on your blog although I've been reading for years but I can relate entirely. I live some physical distance from my parents too and have experienced things disappointment of a planned visit being cancelled and being told in a matter of fact way. It's hurtful but try not to hold on to the hurt. Let it go, you don't need that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry!
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