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Feeling Sick

I was feeling a bit sick last night. I had a low fever, a headache, and a prickly, burning sensation on the back of my neck. I’m not sure what caused the issue on the back of my neck, but I suspect the fever and headache had to do with some sinus trouble. Anyway, I went to bed early last night.

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Dentist

About a month ago, I spent two hours in a dental chair so my dentist could prepare a tooth for a crown. At that time, he put a temporary crown on the tooth while the permanent one was made. Yesterday, I went to get the permanent crown. At the first visit, they’d numbed me up, took an impression, did a lot of drilling, took another impression, and then put in the temporary crown. Yesterday’s procedure was much simpler and only took about thirty minutes. He didn’t have to numb me, which I hate, but that meant there was a modicum of pain associated with yesterday’s procedure. He had to remove the temporary crown which is not exactly pleasant. Then, he had to clean up the tooth and prepare it for the permanent crown, which was popped into place. Easy peasy, or so you’d think. In fact, the procedure was pretty easy. However, when you already have nerve damage in that area (i.e., trigeminal neuralgia), it doesn’t take much to set those nerves on edge. By the time I got home, I had a raging headache that lasted all night.

If any of my readers are dentists, forgive me for what I’m about to say, but how can someone get paid so much to torture people all day long? I’m sure there are some people who don’t think of the dentist as a torturous event, but they wouldn’t be me. Those same people probably don’t have trouble teeth like I do. I’ve always had soft teeth. It’s hereditary in my family, so no matter what I do to take care of my teeth (brushing, flossing, etc.) I still have cavities broken teeth. Thankfully, skilled dentists can fix all of that, but it’s still torture to have it done. I like my dentist a lot, and I’ve had some great dentists in my life, but just because they are nice people doesn’t mean I don’t feel like they torture me. I know they usually do whatever they can to make it as painless as possible, but I still hate going to the dentist. Whether it’s a routine cleaning and exam or a filling or a crown, I always leave in pain. Oh well, what can you do?

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No Matter What

No Matter What

Songwriters: Tobias Martin Gad / Calum Scott

When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up

I didn't understand it but I was terrified of love

Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control

I needed to be saved, I was going crazy on my own

It took me years to tell my mother, I expected the worst

I gathered all the courage in the world

She said, "I love you no matter what

I just want you to be happy and always be who you are"

She wrapped her arms around me

Said, "Don't try to be what you're not

'Cause I love you no matter what"

She loves me no matter what

I got a little older wishing all my time away

Riding on the pavement, every sunny day was grey

I trusted in my friends then all my world came crashing down

I wish I never said a thing, 'cause to them I'm a stranger now

When I ran home I saw my mother, it was written on my face

Felt like I had a heart of glass about to break

She said, "I love you no matter what

I just want you to be happy and always be who you are"

She wrapped her arms around me

Said, "Don't try to be what you're not

'Cause I love you no matter what"

Yeah

Now I'm a man and I'm so much wiser

I walk the earth with my head held higher

I got the love that I need

But I was still missing one special piece

My father looked at me

He said, "I love you no matter what

I just want you to be happy and always be who you are"

He wrapped his arms around me

Said, "Don't try to be what you're not

'Cause I love you no matter what"

He loves me no matter what

And they love me no matter what

I mentioned to my friend Dylan that I was trying to figure out a song to finish up my “Musical March” posts. Songs, or at least the good one, always make great poetry. Dylan suggested this one. He also suggested “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge or “Montero” by Little Nas X, which are both songs I like, but when I listened to Calum Scott’s “No Matter What,” I had tears in my eyes. The song was very emotional for me. When I came out to my mother, I found out that her love was conditional. She would not love me “no matter what.” My father on the other hand told her that, I was their son, and they’d love me no matter what. While my mother always does what my father says (sometimes much to my dismay), I’m glad she listened this time. Yet, I’ll always know, and she often reminds me, that if it was up to her, she’d have disowned me.

Calum Scott describes "No Matter What" as his "most personal song" and the song he is "most proud of.” The song tells the story of Scott telling his parents he was gay and their reactions of loving him "no matter what.” Scott said "It was a song that I always had to write, and a song I never thought I'd be able to share. This song has so much bones behind it and has such a wider discussion, not only about sexuality but about acceptance." Adding "This hopefully will be a movement. I want to help people, I want to inspire people, I want to make people more compassionate."

I wish all parents loved their children “no matter what” especially when they come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning/queer, etc. I’ve known too many parents who put conditions on their love for their children. I don’t want children. At one time, I thought I did because that’s what was expected of me, but I knew I’d never make a good father, not because I wouldn’t love my child unconditionally, but I know I have a temper like my father, and I’d never put a child through that. However, if I did have a child, I would have loved them no matter what. I would be accepting and loving. I don’t understand how anyone can put conditions on the love they give their children.

I wish all parents would be loving and accepting, and I said as much to Dylan who told me, “We have a Heavenly Father who does. Those are His feelings toward us. And you have friends who love you very much too.” I agree with him and said, “I just need to be reminded of that sometimes.” He wisely replied, “Yes, we all do!” We are all part of God’s family, and many in the LGBTQ+ community make our own families. I know I have people that I love and cherish, as much, and sometimes more so, than my own biological family (I’m referring to you here, Susan). Cherish the people in your life who love you “no matter what.”

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Procrastination

I can be the world’s worst procrastinator. Sometimes, that’s because of my migraines, but other times it can be just plain laziness. I know I have things that I need to do to get my apartment packed up, but I was too lazy this weekend to get much of it done. I did pack a few boxes, but mostly, I watched movies and television shows. I will start packing in earnest today. I just have to make myself do it and pack one room at a time until I get everything boxed up and ready for the movers. The movers will be here at 8 am on April 6. That should give me plenty of time to get all of the packing done.

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Spring’s Renewal

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

—Ecclesiastes 3:1

Snow is melting. Temperatures are rising. Bright colors are replacing browns and grays. There’s only one explanation: It must be spring! Spring is a reminder that God is all about making things new. In Revelation 21:5, Jesus promised to make everything new one day, “Then He who sat on the throne said, ‘Behold, I make all things new.’” In the meantime, He gives us glimpses of the coming attractions through spring. To help you celebrate the shift from one season to another, here are some verses that hit on the best themes of spring.

“He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper..” Psalm 1:3

Spring is a time for growth. In nature, that comes from the right combination of sunlight and water. For our spiritual lives, it comes from the right combination of time with God in His word and time with other Christians in fellowship. The alternative is to be chaff that blows away and comes to nothing.

“Then I will give you the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your grain, your new wine, and your oil.” Deuteronomy 11:14

Life is a balancing act between working like everything depends on you and trusting like everything depends on God. He will send the rains you need, but you’ve also got to do your part by working the harvest.

“Let my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew, as raindrops on the tender herb, and as showers on the grass.” Deuteronomy 32:2

You’re never too old to learn, especially when it comes to learning more about God’s love and His goodness. Just like rain provides nourishment to the plants, His word reaches into our hearts and shows us things we never would have imagined.

“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” Matthew 6:28–29

Take a look at the flowers and plants blooming around you. They didn’t worry their way to awesomeness. And you can’t either. God cares about you, so let Him carry your worries and fears. First Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Whether it’s a long walk on a sunny day or splashing through puddles during an unexpected shower, soak up the blessings of spring. Let the sights, sounds, and smells of a new season bring to life something new within you.

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Moment of Zen: Three

Two's company, but three doesn’t have to be a crowd.

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Tickled Pink

Most believe that the idea behind the phrase tickled pink is that when one is tickled beyond endurance, one’s face tends to turn pink or red. Others cite a more figurative definition of the word tickle used since the 1600s meaning to experience enjoyment, the word pink referring to a rosy glow of pleasure. The turn of phrase tickled pink seems to have first come into use at the turn of the twentieth century. It was first recorded in 1922 and alludes to one's face turning pink with laughter when one is being tickled.

I’m tickled pink to be off work for the next two weeks. I have to work today, but then I won’t return to work until April 11. Actually, I do have to work Saturday, April 2, but I’ll be there by myself so I don’t have to deal with anyone at work for the next two week. Of course, I’ll be busy: packing, moving, and unpacking.

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Fruity

When I came out in graduate school, I remember a professor came up to me and said, “Congratulations, I hear you’re a fruit.” I was horrified, and it was incredibly inappropriate. I do not think he meant it as a derogatory comment, but I was still offended. It’s a bit ironic, because this professor was Canadian, and he abhorred being called a Canuck. I’m not sure if Canuck was or is seen as offensive by Canadians, but he certainly was sensitive about it. Why he wasn’t sensitive about a slur like “fruit” I’ll never know. He was a bit of an insensitive jerk, and we did not miss him when he failed to file for an extension of his green card and was sent back to Canada to straighten it out. He never did come back.

 

Much like the words queen and queer, “fruit” is a slur that has been hurled against gay men for decades. Over time, gay men have begun to reclaim the “fruit” in the same way that “queen” and “queer” have become an innocuous part of our lexicon, and today use it as a term of endearment rather than a derogatory comment on one’s effeminacy and attraction towards other men. This goes to the question of how did “fruit” become a slur for a gay man? What does “fruity” mean for the LGBTQ+ community? What does it mean to be “fruity?” And where did this comparison come from in the first place? Interestingly, the term may have originated from the gay community itself.

 

Language experts believe that the insult “fruit” has roots in the British cant, or secret language, Polari as a slang word. The slang was born out of the West and East Ends of London in the 19th century (but could date back as far as the 16th century) and was used by social outcasts and outsiders. Polari (from Italian parlare 'to talk') was used by some actors, circus and fairground showmen, professional wrestlers, merchant navy sailors, criminals, sex workers, and the gay subculture. This group also included costermongers, street vendors who sold fruit and vegetables in British towns. Costermongers were looked down upon for their brash behavior, love of gambling, and unusual slang. Like many secret languages, Polari emerged as a way for these outsiders to “protect their identities or actions.” Pretty soon, Britain’s gay community adopted this code, transforming it into a “vehicle for campery, bitchiness, filthy jokes, and innuendo.” The word “fruit” was just one of many slang words gay men would throw at each other to poke fun at their effeminacy. The evolution of this slang was perhaps not unlike that of the American gay lingo that can be traced back to the drag and ballroom culture of the 1980s, where “reading” was, as RuPaul says, fundamental.

 

But why fruit? The common assumption goes that, like women, fruits are soft and tender. Mayukh Sen, a writer who began writing about food "by accident" when he began working at the blog Food52. His first piece to get significant attention was about fruitcake, titled "How—and Why—Did Fruitcake Become a Slur?". He wrote that, "As someone who's queer and Bengal, I grew up eating fruitcake and really treasuring it. I sit in between these two meanings of the word and explored that whole idea in detail, where I metabolized all of that personal writing very early on in my food writing career." As Sen explains, “A fruit, susceptible to the whims of nature, tends to grow tender and soft. For a man to embody these very traits, a sensitivity to the elements that is typically coded female, goes against the imaginings of masculinity our culture worships.”

 

Sen goes on to say that, when the slur made its way to the US in the 20th century, it became tied to fruitcake – the sticky and much-maligned treat. The phrase “nutty as a fruitcake” was reserved for people who had lost their marbles, had gone off their rocker, or, simply put, were crazy. At the time, homosexuality was considered deviant – a mental illness to be corrected through lobotomies, electroshock treatment, and chemical castration. Thus, fruits became fruitcakes, and the psychiatric institutions where these horrific procedures occurred were called “fruitcake factories.” Over time, the words “fruit” and “fruitcake” became less of an inside joke in the gay community and more of a weapon that straight people could use to remind gay people of their otherness. For some older gay men who lived through this era, the term “fruit” is as hurtful and offensive as the term “faggot.” Perhaps even worse.

 

Can we reclaim a slur such as “fruit” like many have for “queer” and “queen?” According to linguistics professor Sally McConnell Ginet, sometimes distance is essential to reclaiming a slur. The young activists in the 1980s who shouted “we’re here, we’re queer” in AIDS rallies were distant enough from the word that, perhaps, they barely had any experiences with it. The same goes for the word “fruity” today. Navigating the world as a gay person is leaps and bounds different than it was all those decades ago. And while homophobia and transphobia most definitely still exist around the world – and even in our own backyards – there are people, places, and moments that serve as solid reminders that LGBTQ+ people do deserve and have a place in this world.

 

So, when someone calls you “fruity,” what does it mean? It’s like most things, all about context. If they’re a friend, then perhaps it’s a light jab, perhaps a celebration of gayness, perhaps a little bit of both. If they’re not an ally, then it’s a word that they think should hurt you, but at the end of the day, all it does is say, “you’re sensitive, you’re effeminate.” And really, what’s so wrong with that? We should embrace who we are, not what others expect us to be, which is a lesson it took me a long time to realize and one that I sometimes still struggle with.

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I Like Boys

I Like Boys

Song by Todrick Hall

Songwriters: Carl Seante Mcgrier / Jean-Yves G. Ducornet / Kofi Owusu / Todrick Dramaul Hall

 

Mama come, come doll, take a seat

There's someone you know that you've got to meet

So brace yourself for the big reveal

He's about my height when he's not in heels

Some boys play basketball

He played house with ratchet dolls

It's not Santa Claus, it's time for applause

It's comin' out the closet

 

Mama, I like boys, I like pecs

Like them arms when they flex

Like that print in them sweats

Tell them girls, "Thank you, next"

I like when they text me sexy pics of 'em

Like them abs when there's six of 'em

Tell them girls I'm sorry

I like boys

 

Mama, boys like me (I like boys who like boys)

Mama (I like boys who like boys)

Work (I like boys who like boys)

Mama (I like boys who like)

Boys like me, yeah (boys like me)

Yeah, they do (boys like me)

Ooh (boys like me)

Motherfuckin' boys like me (bitch)

 

I like when they shake it, shake it

I like when they grind real slow (real slow)

I like when they almost naked (damn)

Tell dad I'm so homo

Lights off, doors shut

Tall, dark, clean-cut

Thick with a bubble butt, yup

 

Mama, I like boys, I like pecs

Like them arms when they flex

Like that print in them sweats

Tell them girls, "Thank you, next"

I like when they text me sexy pics of 'em

Like them abs when there's six of 'em

Tell them girls I'm sorry

I like boys

 

Mama, boys like me (I like boys who like boys)

Mama (I like boys who like boys)

Work (I like boys who like boys)

Mama (I like boys who like)

Boys like me, yeah (boys like me)

They do (boys like me)

Haha (boys like me)

Motherfuckin' boys like me (bitch)

 

Style like they name Harry

Chocolate like Tyrese

I pick him up at Barry's

Crunch, Planet Fitness

Shirt off in the lawn

Sizzlin' like grease

By day his name Gaston

By night I call him Beast

 

Bitch, B to the O to the Y to the S

Boys will be boys and with boys I'm obsessed

Boys in their gym clothes, boys in a dress

And if boys are a crime then I'm under arrest

'Cause I've been boy crazy since the boy scouts

Fuck the closets, let the boys out

Don't be a camel when you are a llama, period

No comma, bring on all the drama

 

Mama, I like boys, I like pecs

Like them arms when they flex

Like that print in them sweats

Tell them girls, "Thank you, next"

I like when they text me sexy pics of 'em

Like them abs when there's six of 'em

Tell them girls I'm sorry

I like boys

 

Mama, boys like me (I like boys who like boys)

Hahaha (I like boys who like boys)

Work (I like boys who like boys)

Mama (yeah) (I like boys who like)

Boys like me (sorry) (boys like me)

Not sorry (boys like me)

(Boys like me)

Motherfuckin' boys like me, bitch

"I Like Boys" is a song by American singer Todrick Hall; he co-produced and co-wrote the song with Jean Yves Ducornet. Hall released the song during Pride 2019. The video opens with Hall coming out to his mother played by Luenell. The video shifts to a desert with Hall surrounded by male dancers and a camel. The song celebrates Hall's sexuality, featuring color, cultural references, and male nudity. 

 

Hall describes "I Like Boys" as campy, and I would agree. I am sure it is not to everyone’s taste, but I suspect a lot of us can identify with what Hall says in the song:

 

I like when they almost naked

Tell dad I'm so homo

Lights off, doors shut

Tall, dark, clean-cut

Thick with a bubble butt, yup

 

Mama, I like boys, I like pecs

Like them arms when they flex

Like that print in them sweats

Todrick Hall (born April 4, 1985) is an American singer, songwriter, and choreographer. He gained national attention on the ninth season of American Idol. Following this, he amassed a huge following on YouTube with viral videos including original songs, parodies, and skits. He aspires to be a role model for LGBTQ and people of color. He once again gained notoriety in 2022 for his tactless and manipulative behavior in the third season of Celebrity Big Brother.

 

Starting with season eight, Hall became a resident choreographer and occasional judge on RuPaul's Drag Race. From 2016 to 2017, Hall starred as Lola in Kinky Boots on Broadway. Later in 2017, he began appearances as Billy Flynn in Chicago on Broadway and the West End.

 

As a singer-songwriter, he has released four studio albums, including the visual albums Straight Outta Oz (2016) and Forbidden (2018). In 2020 he released an EP, Quarantine Queen, in response to the COVID-19 pandemic featuring "Mask, Gloves, Soap, Scrub", and was the international host of Global Pride 2020.

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The Weekend

Friday, I went to see “Chicago.” A Broadway performance, it certainly was not. The friend who went with me said, “ It was okay! They had some good parts and some baaad parts!! The dancing and choreo was AWFUL but it was entertaining overall.” Her assessment was spot on. There were two bright spots, the guys who played Billy Flynn and Amos Hart. Both were good actors and could really sing well. I can’t really say that for the rest of the cast. The girls playing Velma and Roxie improved some as the show went on, but there was no where for them to go but up. Some universities have great theater programs, but my college is not known for the fine arts.

My date Saturday night never happened. I woke up Saturday with a migraine, probably because of the bad weather. I had hoped it would get better, and it did for a short while, then it was back with a vengeance. So,  had to reschedule my date. Everything seemed fine. My date was understanding because he too has migraines, and we rescheduled for yesterday. Then, yesterday came and went. I texted him numerous times, but never got an answer. In fact, it looks like the messages went unread. I have no idea what happened. Hopefully, I’ll hear from him sometime today. If not, then I guess he changed his mind. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I did get some packing done. I still have a lot left to do, but slowly but surely, I think it’s getting there. I really can’t wait to get moved into my new place.

On a side note, I ran tot he grocery store yesterday, and I saw the hottest guy I think I’ve ever seen since I moved to Vermont. That’s saying a lot because we have some really hot cadets at the university. This guy could have been a student. He certainly looked like he could be that age. He had great hair. I’ve always admired guys who have a great head of hair. He also had sparkling blue eyes, and a butt to die for. He was wearing shorts which were skin tight and were average length. If they’d been shorter, I’d have suspected he was gay, but most gay men up here don’t wear short shorts. Anyway, the tightness of the shorts made it very apparent that he dresses to the left, if you know what I mean. We kept running into each other the whole time we were in the store. I literally nearly ran smack into him twice. Other times we were sliding around each other as we were making it down the aisles. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy a little eye candy.

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The Fruit of the Spirit

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

—Galatians 5:22-23

The Greek word translated “fruit” refers to the natural product of a living thing. Paul used “fruit” to help us understand the product produced, not by us, but by the Holy Spirit within us. The Greek word is singular, showing that “fruit” is a unified whole, not independent characteristics. As we grow, all the characteristics of Christ will be manifested in our lives.

The fruits of the Spirit need to be allowed to grow within us and become a part of who we are. When we plant seeds in our flower beds, we have to watch out and remove any weeds, which is a constant threat. Weeds will choke what we’ve planted. If weeds are allowed to grow, then what we planted will never have the opportunity to reach its full maturity and beauty. Just as we don’t want weeds in our garden, we must constantly work to rid our lives of the “weeds” of our temptations that want to choke out the work of the Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit gives us the power we need to reject those old sinful desires. We can say “no” to temptation and accept the “way out” God provides through the Holy Spirit. First Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” As we give the Spirit more control of our lives, God will shape us and grow us to look like Jesus. Second Corinthians 3:17-18 tells us, “Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

Paul uses nine characteristics to describe the fruit of the Spirit in the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. The first characteristic is love (Greek: agape, Latin: caritas). Agape (love) seeks the highest good for others, no matter their behavior. It is a love that gives freely without asking anything in return and does not consider the worth of its object. Agape is more a love by choice than Philos, which is love by chance; and it refers to the will rather than the emotion. Agape describes the unconditional love God has for the world. Paul describes love in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

The second characteristic is joy (Greek: chara, Latin: gaudium) The joy referred to here is deeper than mere happiness; it is rooted in God and comes from Him. Since it comes from God, it is more serene and stable than worldly happiness, which is merely emotional and lasts only for a time. Without peace, there would be no joy. Peace is the third characteristic. Jesus is described as the Prince of Peace, who brings peace to the hearts of those who desire it. He says in John 14:27: " Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." In the Beatitudes Jesus says in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

The fourth characteristic is long-suffering and sometimes referred to as patience. Generally the Greek world applied this word to a man who could avenge himself but did not. This word is often used in the Greek Scriptures in reference to God and God's attitude to humans. Exodus 34:6 says, “And the Lord passed before him and proclaimed, ‘The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abounding in goodness and truth.’” The Lord is described as "slow to anger and rich in kindness and fidelity."

Some English Bibles translate the single Greek word chrestotes into two English words: kindness and goodness, which are the fifth and six characteristics. In Greek, old wine was called "chrestos" which meant that it was mellow or smooth. Christ used this word in Matthew 11:30, " For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Kindness is acting for the good of people regardless of what they do. Goodness can be defined in a number of ways: the state or quality of being good; Moral excellence; virtue; kindly feeling, kindness, generosity, joy in being good; or a general character recognized in quality or conduct.

The seventh characteristic is faithfulness (Greek: pistis, Latin: fides). The root of pistis ("faith") is peithô, that is to persuade or be persuaded, which supplies the core-meaning of faith as being "divine persuasion", received from God, and never generated by man. It is defined as the following: objectively, trustworthy; subjectively, trustful:—believing,  faithfulness, surety, truth. The eighth, gentleness is "a divinely-balanced virtue that can only operate through faith.” Gentleness which is prautes in Greek, is commonly known as meekness.

The ninth and final characteristic is self-control. The Greek word used in Galatians 5:23 is "enkrateia", meaning "strong, having mastery, able to control one's thoughts and actions." Second Peter 1:5-7 discusses fruitful growth in the faith, saying, “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.

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Moment of Zen: Cuddling

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A Good Report

I went to see my doctor yesterday. It turned out to be a really good visit. My A1C has dropped to 5.2. I have been taking Metformin and Jardiance for my diabetes, however, because I seem to respond better to the Jardiance than I ever did to the Metformin, he dropped the Metformin. Also, I’d lost another five pounds since I saw him on February 14. We also talked about my anxiety triggers: work, family, and moving. I told him about how bad Tuesday’s panic attack was, and he prescribed me some Xanax for when I need it. At the maximum, he only wants me to take two a week. I’ve taken Xanax before because I used to have panic attacks when I flew, but as I have flown quite a bit since moving to Vermont in 2015, it doesn’t bother me as much. He told me that if the anxiety increases, he can increase my antidepressant, but hopefully, things will settle down once I move.

My weekend is going to be pretty busy. Besides packing over the weekend, tonight, I am going to see a production of Chicago my university is doing. Chicago is one of my favorite musicals, and I fondly remember going to see it on Broadway with Susan when I went down to NYC for Thanksgiving and my birthday in 2019. Tomorrow night, I have another date with the guy I saw last week. If all goes as planned, he’s going to cook me dinner. I can’t wait. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been on a second date with anyone? It’s never happened while I lived in Vermont. Sunday should be a day for laundry and packing.

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St Patrick’s Gay ☘️🏳️‍🌈

"Luck is when an opportunity comes along and you’ve prepared for it.”

—Saint Patrick

 

St. Patrick, originally named Maewyn Succat, was a fifth-century Romano-British Christian missionary and bishop in Ireland. Known as the "Apostle of Ireland", he is the primary patron saint of that country. Each year on This day, Irish and Catholics everywhere celebrate the Feast of Saint Patrick who died on March 17, 461.

 

Saint Patrick’s Day is a time for grand celebration in many parts of the world, with green beer and shamrocks sprouting in the most unlikely places. So what do you do, if you want to join in the fun, but cannot find a trace of green blood in your ancestry, no matter how far back you go? Good old St Patrick is one of a surprising number of queer saints and martyrs in Christian history, giving gays, Irish or not, an excuse to enjoy his day.

 

In his book on Irish gay history, Terrible Queer Creatures, Brian Lacey presents some evidence that Patrick may have had a long term intimate relationship with a man:

St. Patrick himself may have had a relationship tinged with homoeroticism. Tirechan, a late seventh century cleric who wrote about St. Patrick, tells the story of a man Patrick visited and converted to Christianity, who had a son to whom Patrick took a strong liking.
 
Tirechan wrote that “he gave him the name Benignus, because he took Patrick’s feet between his hands and would not sleep with his father and mother, but wept unless he would be allowed to sleep with Patrick.” Patrick baptized the boy and made him his close lifelong companion, so much so that Benignus succeeded Patrick as bishop of Armagh.

This is a rather tenuous basis for a claim that Patrick was gay, but there is more from his youth. He was originally brought to Ireland as a Roman slave. In Ancient Roman society, slaves, male and female, were freely used for sexual purposes. Later, young Maewyn Succat escaped, but returned to undertake the evangelizing of Ireland that he’s famed for. To pay his way back, there is a claim that he worked as a prostitute.

 

This is still short of really hard evidence – but hagiography, the writing of the lives of saints, is not history. The most famous popular belief about St Patrick, that he chased the snakes out of Ireland, is certainly not true (there never were any), but that doesn’t deter anybody from repeating it, regardless. When it comes to the life of saints, definitive proof is not a criteria for a saints life story.

 

Irrespective of our view on the historic Patrick, there’s a deeper, serious reason for thinking about him. For too long, Christianity has been badly abused as a weapon against sexual minorities, but there are undoubtedly a large number of people in church history that in today’s terminology, would be considered LGBTQ+, but who nevertheless achieved high office in the Church, as bishops, abbesses, and popes, or honored as Christian saints and martyrs. There are bishops who wrote frankly erotic poetry and love letters addressed to each other, bishops who secured appointments to vacant sees for their boyfriends, and popes who slept with men, or commissioned homoerotic paintings from the great Renaissance artists. There are even the forerunners of our modern trans men – biological females, who lived as males in men-only monasteries.

 

Secular historians have gone a long way in uncovering our hidden history. We are blessed by God with our sexuality. We are His creation, and to quote St, Patrick, "Hence I cannot be silent, and indeed I ought not to be, about the many blessings and the great grace which the Lord has designed to bestow upon me." Doing the same for our place in church history can make a small contribution to countering religious bullying. Just consider: the next time you hear offensive remarks from a homophobic Irish neighbor or colleague, just point out to him: St Paddy was queer.

 

I will leave you with one final quote from St. Patrick:

“May good luck be with you wherever you go. And your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow."

—Saint Patrick

 

This modified article was originally written by Terence Weldon, a UK based gay Catholic activist He writes on general matters of faith and sexuality, and was first published on Bilerico in 2012.

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Rough Day

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I was fine most of the morning at work, but my mother called. Few people can ruin my day like she often can. She didn’t say anything really offensive, but it’s the way she starts in about things. I can’t seem to do much right in her eyes. After I got off the phone with her, I had a full-blown panic attack. I’ve been having panic attacks recently, but this is really the first one that came while I was at work. I’m not always sure what causes them, but I can pretty well pinpoint this one to the phone call from my mother.

Right after I talked to her, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart began to race, I began to shake, and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. When this happens, I’m unable to concentrate on anything, and I just get so flustered. My head feels like it’s going to explode, and I have this hot sensation all over my head. I got up from my desk and walked outside and around the building, hoping some fresh air might help, but it didn’t. I sat down in one of the comfy armchairs in the museum’s lobby (no one was around), and that too didn’t help. Furthermore, I had a meeting that was supposed to start soon, but I knew it wasn’t that important. So, I went to my boss and told him I was having a panic attack and needed to go home. I know, it was probably not the best idea to drive in that condition, but I felt I had to get out of there. 

I needed to be home, in my private space, so I could lay down in the dark for a while. It took a few hours to finally calm down, but it did happen. I was actually able to run to the grocery store, like I’d planned to do yesterday afternoon anyway. While it was only the grocery store, I calmed down looking at food and doing a little retail therapy. By the time I got home, I felt relatively normal again. 

I hate the sensation of a panic attack. I used to get these every time I had to fly or anytime money was an issue, like unexpected expenses that couldn’t be avoided. Now, I can probably add talking to my mother to the list. I think one of the triggers may have been her talking about me going home. I haven’t been back to Alabama since the pandemic began, and I think it has done wonders for my mental stability. However, the thought of going back to Alabama again is something that, for the most part, I dread.

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Younger Me

Younger Me

Songwriters: Kendell Marvel / John Osborne / Thomas Osborne

 

Younger me

Made it harder than it had to be

Trying hard to dodge my destiny

Would get the best of me

 

Younger me

Way too young to pace a bedroom floor

Always dreamed of kicking down the door

What were you waiting for

 

Younger me

Was as reckless as he should have been

Close calls and downfalls and getting back up again

And doing it all again

 

Younger me

Overthinking, losing sleep at night

Contemplating if it's worth the fight

If he only knew he'd be alright

Yeah, younger me

 

Youth ain't wasted on the young

These trips around the sun

I needed every one

To get where I'm standing now

It's an uphill road to run

For my father's son

Keep it together

It won't be that way forever

 

Younger me

Hanging out but not quite fitting in

Didn't know that being different

Really wouldn't be the end

Younger me (yeah)

 

Yeah

Yeah, oh

Yeah

 

Youth ain't wasted on the young

These trips around the sun

I needed every one

To get where I'm standing now

It's an uphill road to run

Yeah, for my father's son

Keep it together

It won't be that way forever

 

Younger me

You got me where I am today

Got a few things right along the way

You'll see, just wait

Younger me 

About the Song

 

T.J. Osborne publicly came out as gay in an interview with Time on February 3, 2021. Following his coming out, Osborne wrote “Younger Me” as a letter to his younger self. Like many of us who have come out, Osborne said, “I’ve always wished I could speak to my younger self, give him a hug and show him who he’d become and what he’d achieve. Once I came out, that feeling was so overwhelmingly strong that this song was born.”

 

One of the things that makes country music so popular is that it is relatable. “Younger Me” blends that relatable country storytelling with a bit of a pop anthem. The song is a refreshing take on country music nostalgia. Often, nostalgic songs look back fondly on the songwriter’s childhood and simpler times, and the present is either presented as hard or having lost its innocence along the way. “Younger Me” is a different kind of story.

 

The song perfectly encapsulates a more compelling kind of nostalgia that does not rewrite the complexities and confusion of childhood: “Overthinking, losing sleep at night / contemplating if it’s worth the fight”. The lyrics are crisp and vital, evoking specific details (“To pace a bedroom floor”), and are wonderfully free of cliché. For Brothers’ Osborne, the future hold both threat and possibility, and the past contains both hurt and experiences from which to learn and grow. 

 

Brothers Osborne’s music has always had a broad appeal amongst pop and country fans, and “Younger Me” perfects this balance. This is a dazzling pop anthem if ever I heard one, yet the sharp storytelling proves that Osborne is a bona fide country songwriter too. 

 

T.J. Osborne is gay and proud with this song and shows that it is possible not only to be queer in country music, but also to celebrate these aspects of ourselves. “Younger Me” is the perfect embrace that a queer kid might need, a Pride anthem for country music fans.

Thank you, Dylan for introducing me to this song.

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Happy Pi (π) Day!

Ramblings

Yesterday was a bad day; emotionally, it was a bad day. Maybe it was the time change. Maybe it was the need to be packing but not having the will/motivation to do it. Maybe it was something I just couldn’t put my finger on. I accomplished only one thing yesterday: I shoveled the 7 inches of snow that fell on Saturday from my porches and steps, then I went and cleaned it off my car and scraped off the ice underneath. I had planned to run an errand after ridding myself of the snow, but I couldn’t bring myself to go anywhere but back inside. 

Alexander
Dreymon

I’d planned on watching some TV yesterday. I’d started watching the Netflix series, The Last Kingdom, which stars the incredibly sexy Alexander Dreymon. I first noticed Dreymon when he played Luke Ramsey on American Horror Story: Coven. It was the only season of AHS I could ever stand to watch. Dreymon was only in five episodes, but I immediately fell in lust with him. He’s pretty sexy as a Saxon/Dane in The Last Kingdom. However, even as hot as Dreymon is and how good the show was, I could not motivate myself to watch more than one episode. 

 

I didn’t even want to watch Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, which is my happy place when I’m not feeling well and need something to watch. Pathetically, I have lost count of the number of times I have watched the entire seven seasons of the series. I can quote you most of the dialogue from nearly all of the 176 episodes made. Some of the episodes always keep my interest because they are so good, but not yesterday. I just couldn’t decide, so I watched nothing.

 

My sex life did pretty well last week, and two guys seem to have a romantic interest in me and an old friend that I was able to get together with again. I have been messaging back and forth with one of them, but it’s often hours between messages. I tend to answer pretty quickly, but he does not. Usually, that’s a sign of a catfish, but if he is, he’s damn good, as he knows a lot about Vermont. He’s nice-looking, don’t get me wrong, but he also didn’t use the typical catfish pics of an overly handsome guy that you often see. 

 

I met the other guy who seems more actively romantically interested and appears to be pursuing me. We had a great time on our “date,” i.e., the sex was phenomenal (the best orgasm of my life), but I do not see anything long-term there. I think he could be a great new friend and even a friend with benefits. However, I think he may already want more. We’ll see how it goes. I mention him because several times yesterday, I was on the verge of getting in touch with him to see if he wanted to get together sooner rather than later. I’d have liked to have gone to see him, but he lives a bit south of me, so driving the thirty minutes there is a commitment of time (and money with the current cost of gas). I just could not motivate myself even to do that. I know I do want to see him again. He’s from Texas, and he said he’d make me a fabulous Mexican meal. I can’t turn down good Mexican food because it doesn’t seem to exist in New England unless I cook it. (One of the major drawbacks is that he has a little dog, and y’all should know by now how I feel about dogs.)

 

Anyway, I hope today is a better day. Quite honestly, it has to be. At least I will get out and go to work and not be cooped up inside all day. I should have a relatively easy work week. I have two meetings on Tuesday, but there is nothing else pressing beyond that. I can catch up on some work that I’ve needed to do. I do have to have a difficult conversation with my boss. This may sound petty and selfish, but the recent exhibit we put up was my design. Our new curator helped decide how to hang the paintings, but everything else was how I had planned it. There is a front case that you see when you walk into the gallery that was entirely my idea. I found all the materials to make it work, and I researched to get it as authentic as possible. It is also something that we have been praised for since the exhibit opened, with one person saying, “It is the neatest and most inventive thing I have ever seen in the museum.”

 

I took that as a very high compliment, but when my boss mentioned the praise in a meeting, he credited the case to me and the secretary. The problem is, my boss keeps saying that it was mine and our secretary’s vision. She didn’t have (excuse my language) jack shit to do with it. She made some suggestions in the planning stage, and I shot them all down. The suggestions were not part of my vision. None of her ideas made it into the case. So, it pisses me off that I have gotten no credit for the case and no credit for the exhibit at all. I put months into planning and implementing this exhibit, but I have received no recognition. If that sounds childish, then just call me childish. This is about professionalism and giving credit where credit is due.

 

On a brighter note, I did buy a new mattress. It should be here by the end of the week. It will be delivered to my aforementioned boss’s house since my apartment isn’t ready yet, and FedEx will deliver it (God only knows where they will leave it), and I won’t be able to drag it up my stairs into my apartment. My boss lives in a house that is at street level, so it is the most accessible place to have it delivered. Once I get the moving truck, I will get the mattress first before taking the truck to my current apartment to be loaded by the movers. The move is coming together if I can just get my apartment packed up and ready for the movers.

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Paths

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

— 1 Peter 5:6-7

 

Do you ever have days where you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore? Especially, as members of the LGBTQ+ community, I think we have all had that day when we questioned who we are. Those of us who were raised in a conservative church probably questioned out identity even more. When you are raised believing that it is not possible that you could be attracted to those of the same sex or have a gender other than the one determined by your sexual organs, it can be a long terrifying process to know who we really are. Some days and for even years people, life, and events get in the way of our “knowing” and we find ourselves wondering, “Who am I?”

 

I am a firm believer that if we are taught acceptance from the beginning of our lives, then the struggle we go through to accept ourselves will not be as difficult. We sometimes say, “I need to find myself!” If we learn unconditional acceptance, then we will not be lost and will not need to find ourselves. Greater acceptance would change the world, but it will take a lot of work. Colossians 3:9-10 says, “Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him, where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all.” God tells us that, “Christ is all and in all.” If we don’t have acceptance of our fellow humans for their differences, then we also do not accept Christ.

 

We also often wonder, “Why am I here? What is my purpose?” Those are the days we need reminding, that we are part of something bigger. We are connected to something with a bigger purpose. I know the model prayer in the Bible (Matthew 6:5-15), and I find prayer to be a very personal experience, Matthew 6:6-7 says, “When you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.” 

 

When I pray, I have a conversation with God. While I don’t hear Him talking back to me, I do see his actions. One of the things I always pray for is that God will show me the path that is right for me in this life. We need guidance and to feel God’s love and acceptance. I think we are all on a path and God is there with us guiding us. This always reminds me of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand”:

 

One night I had a dream…

 

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. 

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; 

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. 

When the last scene of my life flashed before us, 

I looked back at the footprints in the sand. 

I noticed that many times along the path of my life, 

There was only one set of footprints.

 

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life

This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.

“Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

You would walk with me all the way;

But I have noticed that during the

most troublesome times in my life,

There is only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why in times when I

needed you the most, you should leave me.

 

The Lord replied, “My precious, precious

child. I love you, and I would never,

never leave you during your times of

trial and suffering.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.