Wednesday, November 30, 2022

My Birthday

I'm 45 today. Time is marching on. This birthday has hit me a little differently from others. What have I done in my 45 years on this earth? I feel like I have either failed in life or waited too long to try to have a life. Fear has always kept me back. For most of my life, I was shy and insecure. To a certain extent, I still am, but I am becoming more confident, at least in some ways.


I'm 45 years old, and I'm still single. I've never had a relationship that has lasted much over a year. My two or three other relationships lasted a lot less if you can even call them relationships. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about what my family thought about me being gay that life and opportunity passed me by. I wish I didn't care what they think. I’m closer to the point of not caring anymore, but it feels too late. My parents have been married for 50 years, and my sister has been married for over 25 years. I’m still single, and I fear that will never change. 


I feel like I should be able to see retirement in my future, but it still seems a long way off. My mother was 47 when she retired for the first time, and my father was just over 50 when he retired for the first time. They both went on to work in other jobs for another ten years. However, I couldn't afford any retirement savings or a retirement plan until I started working for this university seven years ago. Financial security has always seemed just out of my grasp.


Then, there is my health. Yes, it could be worse, but I still suffer from chronic migraines )probably always will), and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. I have to wear reading glasses in addition to my contacts, but I was told that comes with being older. I guess the encouraging parts about my health is that I have lost weight, and my diabetes is under control. In fact, my doctor says he will probably take me off my diabetes medication when I return to him in January and declare me a "diet-controlled diabetic."


I know I am bemoaning being 45, and as my father has always said, "It beats the alternative." I am happy with my job and more confident in my sexuality. I have wonderful friends, and I have this blog, which I am quite proud of. Still, what do I have to show for the last 45 years? So, please excuse me for being a little melancholy on this, my 45th birthday. 

I know I’m being silly about this. There really isn’t a reason for me to be in a bad mood about my birthday, but I am as real as I can be on this blog. I didn’t want to be falsely cheerful when I don’t feel that way at all. It would just be dishonest.

I’m just going to treat today like any other day. I usually try to do something special for my birthday, but this year, I am not in the mood. I have the day off from work and no plans. I’ll probably spend the day on the couch watching TV and spending quality time with Isabella.


  1. Have the best birthday that you allow yourself to do!

  2. Happy birthday. 4( more until 90 you have plenty of time to live and enjoy life.

  3. Happy Birthday Joe! Hope you have a nice relaxing day and enjoy you time with Isabella.

  4. Happy Birthday Joe - wishing you reasonably good health and contentment as time goes on .
    Keep on blogging .
    Best wishes,
    " Art "

  5. Happy Birthday Joe, hope you and Isabella have a great day never give up you don't know what is round the corner. Take care.


    Do something for yourself!! A nice dinner out. You can eat out alone, can you?

    Don't worry about what society says you should be doing. Follow your own drum. I am 65 and single. I have had only one relationship. If a relationship happens it happens. Just do you. Make sure you are the best person you can be. Live your life. Volunteer, join groups... I am sure you have heard of Meet Up. Explore. Who knows, that casual friendship may turn into picking out china at Crate and Barrel. And who knows Isabella may soon have another Daddy!

    Here is to another year around the sun. Cheers!!

    Be healthy,


  7. Cheers. Celebrate all the good in your life!!

  8. Wishing you a happy Birthday,
    I understand how you feel, I turned 69 this year.I wonder all the same hings you do, I was closeted util 2011, and I finally came to terms with who I am. I was married for 30 years trying to be what my family expected. My ex-wife is continually beating me over the haes with her Bible saying I should abstain from gay sex, so I can go to heaven. I keep telling her that by beliefs have not changed, but she doesn't get it.

    Bob in Texas

  9. Happy birthday! Have no regrets, they are a waste of energy and thought. I am a gay 71, you have a lot of life to enjoy ahead of you. And to have a relationship or two.

    Hugs Wes

  10. Hi Joe- Happy Birthday - I enjoy your blog immensely, not just for the pics you post, but because of your candor and authenticity. I'm 53 and met my current partner of 12 years when I was 41. Believe me 45 is NOT too old. Keep improving on yourself (kudos re: diabetes) and spreading love and kindness like you do - and your life will continue to get better, with or without a partner. I know this is true. And stop comparing yourself to your parents and your sister. You are your own man, here for your own reasons, and not theirs. A day home with Isabella sounds grand - be grateful for that! What you appreciate, appreciates. I agree with you father 100% - it beats the alternative! Sending you well wishes!

  11. happy birthday just a thought you will always be younger than me (68)

  12. Hi Joe,
    We love you! You’re interesting, smart, engaging, and erudite to mention just a few things. Please know that your life ripples around the globe as you share it. While you may not see it, that’s real good passed around. God bless you, keep on keeping on.

  13. Bon Anniversaire de Belgique avec retard horaire je sais mais du haut de mes 74 automnes je te demande pardon de mes visites seulement hebdomadaires car l'attente de te lire crée une telle impatience que je les déguste et apprécie d'autant plus! merci pour ce blog et la langue anglaise que tu me permets de réapprendre comme au temps de mes 15 ans.... et oui Moi c'est Joseph mais avec tellement de surnom , Djo, Djèdjè, Djefque , grodèdè , et depuis 22 ans de transmetteur de savoir , Monsieur Joseph

  14. Missed your birthday. Aging is inevitable. Embrace what you can and love it.


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