How Would That Feel

How Would That Feel

Performed by Christina Chong

Songwriters: Kay Hanley and Tom Polce

 

Did I hear that right?

Did she just shine a spotlight

On her innermost feelings

Like it's no big deal

Say whatever, whenever you like

 

You'd presume with all my mastery

To pursue flights of fancy, easy

Who am I kidding, I've never found that part of me

'Cause I'm designed to color inside the lines

 

Cool and methodical

Way too responsible

I can't help it

Sometimes I peek through a keyhole and see people happy

I admit

 

It might be time to change my paradigm

If only I can let go of the wheel

My fear replaced with total faith

I'm fiercely free and really real

 

Flying blind

How would that feel?

 

This all makes me so uncomfortable

I want to let go

Be vulnerable

Who am I kidding, I've never met that side of me

In my defense

The truth has a consequence

 

I won't watch the whole thing spin out of control

If I have the chance

 

It might be time to change my paradigm

If I can only let go of the wheel

My fear replaced with total faith

I'm fiercely free and really real

 

Flying blind

How would that feel?

 

In another time we had a life together

Could time repeat

Or will it unravel?

Be careful what you start

Make one mistake and blow it all apart

Or worse

Break my own heart

Who am I kidding, I've never found that part of me

 

It might be time to change my paradigm

If only I can let go of the wheel

 

It's nice to dream that I could change my mind

Deep down, I know

I will never let go

My fear is staked

I have no faith

Contented freedom is not real

 

Flying blind

How would that feel?

Because June is Pride Month, I have been focusing on LGBTQ+ poems and poets. “How Would That Feel” from the second season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds episode "Subspace Rhapsody" might seem like an odd choice, but for me, the lyrics of this song (and I always think of songs as poems set to music) really resonated with me about my own experience as a gay man. But first, a little about the song. In this episode, Captain Christopher Pike and the crew of the USS Enterprise encounter a naturally occurring fold in subspace which, when interacted with, causes the entire crew to start singing their private thoughts and feelings. The episode is a musical, the first in the history of the Star Trek franchise. It’s one of my favorite Star Trek episodes. 

 

"How Would That Feel" is the third song in the show after “Status Report,” which introduces us to the musical theme of the episode, and "Connect to Your Truth,” in which Una Chin-Riley, commonly and originally only known as Number One and Pike’s first officer, and James T. Kirk, the future captain of the Starship Enterprise, engage in a duet in which she advises him on how to serve in a command role. When La'an Noonien-Singh sees the interaction between Una and Kirk, La’an begins feeling emotional towards Kirk with whom she had a relationship in an alternate timeline. She goes to her quarters and sings about becoming a different person who takes chances.

 

Growing up gay in Alabama, whether I fully realized that’s what made me different at the time or not, made me hesitant to ever “say whatever, whenever” I like. When you’re closeted, you have to choose your words and mannerisms carefully to hide your true self, because as the song says, “In my defense / The truth has a consequence.” For La’an, it’s her heritage of being a descendant of one of Earth’s most villainous dictators and whether or not that means the same evil lives within her. For me, it was whether or not anyone would accept me, or would I lose everything if I came out?

 

I was considered very intelligent as a kid, some people still think I am, so when La’an sang, “You'd presume with all my mastery / To pursue flights of fancy, easy / Who am I kidding, I've never found that part of me / 'Cause I'm designed to color inside the lines,” it felt like she was singing about my own story. I always felt that I could not be the real me. I didn’t even know who the real me was, so I did not pursue my “flights of fancy” about being attracted to other guys. I never let myself find that part of me; it was too hidden away because of the shame I was made to feel. So, I kept to what was expected of me and colored “inside the lines.” I studied hard because I wasn’t able to show my “masculinity” by playing sports. I was not athletic, so I had to fall back on my brains. I was a very serious kid. I was “Cool and methodical / Way too responsible.” I remember looking at other people who really enjoyed having romantic partners and I felt like I was peeking “through a keyhole and see people happy” when I was not. If I was free to be me, “How would that feel?”

 

I eventually came to understand that I could be happy if I changed “my paradigm / If only I can let go of the wheel / My fear replaced with total faith / I'm fiercely free and really real,” but I never felt like that was my reality. I could not be free, nor could I be real, my true self. I couldn’t watch my life “spin out of control” because I did not “have the chance” at that happiness. Once I came out to myself, I could come out to others, but as the song says, “This all makes me so uncomfortable.” I wanted to let go, be vulnerable, be myself, but was I? I had never “met that side of me” because I’d never allowed myself to be “fiercely free and really real.” I felt like if I ever allowed myself to meet that side of me, then my whole life might “spin out of control.”

 

The only part of the song that I didn’t fully identify with is:

In another time we had a life together

Could time repeat

Or will it unravel?

Be careful what you start

Make one mistake and blow it all apart

Or worse

Break my own heart

Who am I kidding, I've never found that part of me

I have to admit though, I have always wondered about the possibility of reincarnation. Catholics believe in purgatory (the condition, process, or place of purification or temporary punishment in which, according to medieval Christian and Roman Catholic belief, the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for heaven.) What if purgatory was actually previous lives we live. Religions, even some sects of Christianity, and especially the Indian religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, have reincarnation as the central tenet of their faith. When the soul is passed from one being to the next until reaches cumulative virtues allows it to finally ascend into paradise. I could definitely get very metaphysical about this verse of the song, but this verse is more about La’an’s emotions towards Kirk who she has had a relationship in an alternate timeline. La’an knows that if she tells Kirk about her feelings, it could change the course of history, so she knows she cannot be herself and let her emotions out.

 

Ultimately, by the end of the song, La’an decides that she can’t allow herself to be who she is and take the steps to make try to make a better life for herself. She feels that she must keep everything bottled up inside. For many gay men out there, the dream of coming out never feels like it can become reality. This was the case for me for a long time. In some ways, I still hold myself back and think, “It's nice to dream that I could change my mind” and let go a little more in an effort to make myself happy. I’m still resisting letting go completely because “Deep down, I know / I will never let go / My fear is staked,” and in some ways, I know that “Contented freedom is not real.” I will continue to work on who I want to be and try to be more comfortable with who I am. I have come a long way in fully accepting myself, even if I sometimes feel that I held myself back too long and now it’s too late to ever find that person who is meant for me to spend my life with. I still wonder “How would that feel?” to finally let go, allow myself to fly blind and not try to control everything. Could I “let go of the wheel” and create a better life for myself by letting go of my past and just be “really real.”

 

You might find my thoughts on this song silly, but I think we all have a song that speaks to our soul. It may not have meant to tell our personal story, but when we really look at the words and put it in a different context, then it fits. To me, that’s the makings of a truly great song. It’s a song that may have been made to be seen in a particular context, but it speaks to you in a way that the writer never considered. Poetry is oftentimes the same way. It’s up to our own interpretation. For me, that song is “How Would That Feel” because it feels like my personal story. I can’t help but belt it out when I listen to it, and I am sure all of you are very glad you have never had to hear me sing this song to the top of my lungs as I am driving down the road.