As I was sitting in church yesterday, I was trying to follow my own advice and really listen to the lesson in the sermon. My preacher preached on the four levels of love, from lowest to highest: worldly love, selfish love, love of our fellow man, and the highest level of love, the love we have for God. It was a very good message, and I want to share part of it with you over the next several Sundays as I look at the Epistles of John. As I was listening to the sermon though I was thinking how much I love God and how I try to love all of my fellow mankind, but I was also thinking about how often I fail at loving mankind. There are just some people that I have a hard time showing the type of love God wants us to show. My preacher said that we should show kindness to everyone and to put behind us those things that make us not want to love that person. I still find that there are certain people who just make me angry to look at them. I'm gonna try and be better.
The two lowest levels of love, worldly and selfish, are two that I'm not having a hard time resisting right now. I'm kinda mad with the world and not much liking myself at the moment I'm in quite a funk, and this hit me hard during the middle of church, which is why I began by talking about the sermon.
School starts back today, at least for teachers. Students return on Wednesday. Every year, when it's time for school to start back, whether it was as a student or teacher, I get depressed. When I was in middle and high school as a student, I went through this every Sunday. It wasn't that I hated school, I loved learning, but I hated the people I had to learn beside. And now, I don't much like the students I have to teach to, nor some of the people I work with. It's really not as bad as I make it sound, but at the beginning of the summer, I had such high hopes that I would be moving on to better things. I had put in numerous job applications, only to receive one rejection after the other. For many of those jobs, the funding fell through, and no one was hired. So it was not really a rejection of me, but a major let down. At least I do have a job, I know far too many people who don't have a job and are looking for one.
The thing is, this sadness and loss of hope that I have been feeling for weeks, just came crashing down on me right in the middle of church. I was thinking, I love God, why can't I just go and be with him. I'm not afraid to die, and it could just make things simpler. I'm not fond of the world I live in, and I don't much like myself, so let me be with my greatest love: God. Please don't think I was contemplating suicide. I won't allow myself to think that way again, but I was thinking, that maybe it would be best if God just ended this one life, my life.
Truthfully though, it was the sermon I heard today that made me reconsider those thoughts. Those thoughts were selfish, very selfish. The end of my love would only cause an end to my own misery, but what would it do to others. I have a friend that I talk to several times a day through text messages, and I thought he would wonder what happened to me if the messages just suddenly ended and he received no response. He doesn't need that and I wouldn't want him to go through that. How would he even know what happened to me? I felt the same way about another friend of mine. We email each other every week, sometimes several times a week. What if the emails just stopped. How would he know what happened? Then there are all those out there who read my blog. Would they wonder why I quit posting? The Closet Professor would have just stopped with no explanation. Then there is my family who would grieve for my loss.
Is it selfish to believe that my death would cause others sorrow? I'm pretty sure it would. I not so sure how great an impact it would have. People would go on with their lives. The thing is I would cause sorrow in at least some people, and I'd hate to know I did that.
This funk will end soon. I'm just feeling anxious and sorry for myself right now. If it doesn't, and since it has been going on for a week or so now, I'm planning on seeing my doctor and asking him about my antidepressant. Maybe he will either increase the dosage or give me something that might work better. Hopefully, my new exercise and diet plan will also help lift my mood. I'm sure getting back into a regular routine will help.
7 comments:
The only way to keep from drowning when in the deep water is to get in there and swim.....so, swim now, Damn It!!!
No need for you to sink, you can swim, swim, swim...
I am glad you are seeing your doctor about this.
I encourage you to continue your search for more fulfilling employment. I have been there and know how frustrating it is, especially when it looks like something is going to pan out and it doesn't. I suspect finding a job and a place where you can be open and free will make a huge difference.
Be well, be happy, be free and safe.
PS -- To help deal with that thing about the people who drive you crazy, you might want to look into the Buddhist practice of metta bhavana. It is a simple meditative method that is easily adaptable to a Christian point of view. I have found it helpful.
Joe, to comment on your thoughts: yes, there are people who would feel sorrow at your death. I may not know you peronally, but I would feel your loss. Your blog is a source of comfort and enjoyment daily. I agree with Michael that I am glad you are seeing your doctor. And please do continue your search for other employment.
Hang in there friend. You'll get thru this funk. But seeing the doctor is a good idea. Just get through this first week. We all support you.
I've already had the texts and phone calls stop once. And found out why 4 months later. It should never happen to anyone.
I am glad you have seen your doctor. That is important. A third party with no emotional involvement can go a long way to helping you out of the dumps. I certainly have used them in the past.
Sometimes the job and the search for better is tough. I know that, too. When you find your next job, it will be because it's time, and it will be great!
I will pray for you, as I do for all my friends. God can and will help.
Peace <3
Jay
You just can't love God if you can't love yourself, God is within you. I used to feel the same way you feel, I know exactly what you are going through and the most important thing to do is LOVE yourself and be gratefull for what you have in life.
Blessings
I had a similar episode a couple of years ago so I don't want to minimize your pain. It was a very gray time and I thought there was no end to it. But switching antidepressants and getting some therapy pulled my out of that dark place. I don't' know you but I read your blog faithfully and I would miss you! I follow your travels and pull for you to get a job you love and basically root for you. So, yeah, you can do this!
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