Trust in the Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were discussing something that he has been wrestling with for years. He said that once he decided that it was inevitable at some point in the future that he didn't wrestle with it in his mind anymore. I have often wrestled with the same issue. I am not here to discuss the issue at hand, that's not what this is about. When he said he decided that it was inevitable and would one day happen, I told him that I knew he was wrong. I told him that I'd worried and contemplated on the same thing for many years. I came to a very different decision than my friend. I told him that once I put my faith in God, once I trusted God with all my heart, and once I quit relying on my own fears and worries, I think about that issue much less. It doesn't mean that the voice in my head that tells me things contrary to God is completely silent now, but it does mean that my faith can shut that voice up.

The point is that if we acknowledge God as our guide, then he will not guide us wrong. We have to put our full faith and trust in God, and He will protect us and show us the way. If we rely on our own insights, then we will get lost. God is our compass, but if we don't use Him and trust Him, then we will lose our way. We also must understand that each of us matters to God. I believe that we are important to God no matter how we see our relationship with Him. As 1 John 4:8 says, “God is love,” and in verse 12, we are told, “If we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is perfected in us.” If God lives in us, then we are significant to God. He not only will not forsake us, but He will love us, guide us, and protect us.

Moment of Zen: My Readers

From the day I first told all of you about the loss of my job and every day since, all of you have shown such love and support.  From your comments and your emails of comfort to your comments and emails of congratulations, each of you have been very special to me.  Thank you for your compassion.  You lifted me on my darkest days, and you have rejoiced with me in triumph. You have supplied much needed help and support as well as advice.  Thank you!

The Girls

Then

Now

I've had the "girls" nearly a year now.  Tuesday will be a year since I adopted them.  They've grown so much and Edith (black calico) is continuing to grow.  Her particular breed (she's a dessert lynx mix) usually doesn't stop growing until they are two years old, while most domestic shorthair, like Lucy, usually stop after a year.  I think that Lucy (gray calico) is as big as she will get.  I'd originally planned to fly Edith back with me at Christmas.  It would have been a shorter trip and easier on her.  However, the apartment that I found does not allow pets.  This apartment will do for at least six months, and then I can start looking for something that will allow pets.  Regardless, Lucy will probably stay with my aunt who she likes more than me anyway.  Lucy is a bit of a scaredy cat.  She runs and hides from almost everyone.  Edith on the other hand demands everyone's attention, usually in hopes that they will give her food.  She likes to sit on my shoulders (and sometimes my head) as I have my morning coffee.

If HRH was still alive, I wouldn't have stopped until I found a place that allowed cats, but these girls have been around my aunt enough to be comfortable with her and quite honestly might just prefer her. I will miss them terribly, but for now, this is the choice I had to make.  I know they have a good home and will be well taken care of.  I will still miss them though, and they might miss me a little.  Lucy is completely indifferent to me, and Edith only thinks about food and playing.  So, it's quite possible that they won't miss me nearly as much as I will miss them.

Moving Preparations

I've been getting things packed this week and ready to move.  I found an apartment and put down a security deposit.  It's a cute two story 1850s house split into four apartments.  It has beautiful hardwood floors, and I was lucky to find one in which all utilities are included.  It's a one bedroom apartment but has a good sized living room and kitchen.  I've only seen it in pictures, but I know it's the one I want.  It's in an excellent neighborhood and the price is good.  It's within walking distance of the museum, and on the same road if I choose to drive.  And when friends and family come to visit, there is a bed and breakfast located conveniently next door.  

Now that I have found a place to live, it's all about the packing.  Since I don't want to rent and drive a moving van and tow my car up there, I have decided to take as little as possible.  My parents had originally planned on going with me, but the timeframe changed and they will come up in a few weeks.  They will bring any nonessentials with them when they come.  I will pack clothes, a few appliances/electronics (tv, microwave, a few lamps, etc. that I will need), dishes, pots, and pans, some linens, books, and DVDs.  I have the furniture I want already picked out and ready to be delivered once I have possession of the apartment and an address.  Also, this way, I can buy what I need now and get the pieces I want later to add to the furnishings.  I do wish I could pack the guy sitting in the car in the above picture in my car.  He'd make a nice decoration for my new apartment.

So next week, I will be packing my car and getting ready to leave Wednesday morning to make the drive to Vermont over a couple of days.  I know I will stop and visit a friend of mine at Virginia Tech and spend the night there on Wednesday night.  I plan to spend a night somewhere on Thursday night maybe somewhere close to the New York-Vermont border (any suggestions) and then drive the rest Friday morning and get the keys and move into my new home.

So right now, that's the plan.  God willing, I will be in my new home on October 9.  So far, God has been pretty willing, I pray he continues to be and this is a smooth transition to a new home.

Stepping Stone

Henry David Thoreau said, “All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.”  It has been a while since I've written about my love of the transcendentalists, but I love the philosophy of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau.  One of the things I will definitely do once I move to Vermont is to take a trip down to Concord, Massachusetts, to visit Walden Pond.  The transcendentalists had a way of thinking that too many people in America forget, and I personally think “Self-Reliance” by Emerson is one of the most important essays ever written.  If you've never studies it or read it, I urge you to go back and read this post I wrote several years ago.  

With that being said, I want to go back to Thoreau’s quote, “All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.”  I think this is especially true in my life right now.  I was completely devastated when I lost my job back in May, but like the Phoenix, I have risen from the ashes.  I told one of my friends that I was going to dinner with some of the people I used to work with from the school.  People I wanted to be able to say goodbye to and do miss.  That friend told me yesterday:

You have done everything you could possibly do to pull yourself out of the hole you were in last spring. I'm sure there will be some at the dinner who were envious of what you have achieved. Surely you weren't the only one there who would like to be working somewhere else, but without the impetus of getting fired, it is so difficult to light a fire under one's butt as you can testify to! You are the ultimate success story: a great new career, colleagues who already value working with you, a super cute place to live, a liberal state in which to now call home, and finally...able to be your true self. Remember early on when I told you looking for a job is one of the hardest things you will ever do? You are now living proof of that. But oh, the feeling of accomplishment when it is over. I hope you never go through it again. But I am so, so proud of you for having done it….You were judged, Joe, and not found wanting. That has to feel spectacular!!!

It really does feel spectacular.  I know I would have never changed careers, and I would have never even looked for this job, if I had not had the “misfortune” of being fired.  While I was horrified that it happened, so embarrassed when it happened, and fell into a deep depression, I refused to give up, and I did turn something that I thought at the time was a great misfortune into something very fortunate. Most of my friends that I met last night for dinner are older than me.  They have either retired or close to retirement.  There were only two who were younger than me.  Of those two, one is only a few years younger; the other was a student of mine (her mom is a good friend of mine).  

The student had been a very troubled teen. Her parents didn't know what to do with her, but refused to give up, but they were at a loss of what to do.  While most people treated her as an outcast, I treated her like the star student I knew she was.  I encouraged her writing and poetry.  Of all my students, from middle school to college, she was the most talented writer.  In fact, she's one of the most talented writers I've ever read.  I wish she would do more with it, but after about a year of working with her, her mother came to me and said, “Thank you.  My daughter thinks the world of you, and she has changed so much since you have been encouraging her.”  It was moment like that, which had made me want to be a teacher.  The problem was that most of my students weren't like her.  They were spoiled brats who had a sense of entitlement.  While I wish here had been more like this student, and there were a few, I know that teaching was just slowly killing me because most students didn't care about learning.  Apathy is one of the greatest dangers to this country, which is why I admire the transcendentalists.

So when I lost my teaching job, I reevaluated my priorities.  Are their other more indirect ways to teach?  The answer is yes.  Working in a museum means that you are creating a teaching tool for those who want to learn.  What a great feeling that is! People actually are interested in what you are doing.  I also get a chance at a new life.  Because of that, many of the people at dinner last night were envious.  How many times do you actually get to start over?

Basically, this move is a reboot of my life.  It's a fresh start. I am getting a new place to live in a new location. I am getting new furniture and taking with me as little as possible. (For now, my cats will stay here with my aunt, who will take great care of them.) I will still have the same clothes (though I'll get some new winter clothing) and a few small appliances, but everything else I will be starting from scratch.  For the first time, I feel like I have a real grown up job.  Not to diminish school teachers, but it had always been meant to be a temporary job for me until I found a college teaching job.  So with this new jobs, I'm not just in a temporary holding pattern.  This is going to be my career, and I am happy.

Not many of us get a second chance, and I will thank God for the rest of my life for this one.  I took a misfortune in life and used it as a stepping stone to fortune.  I've got a new start and I don't want to screw this one up.  I want to do my best, and I will do my best.  This is a chance of a lifetime.

When We Two Parted

When We Two Parted

George Gordon Byron, 1788 - 1824

 When we two parted 

   In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted 

   To sever for years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold, 

   Colder thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold 

   Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning 

   Sunk chill on my brow-- 

It felt like the warning

   Of what I feel now.

Thy vows are all broken, 

   And light is thy fame;

I hear thy name spoken, 

   And share in its shame.

They name thee before me, 

   A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o’er me--

   Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee, 

   Who knew thee too well--

Long, long shall I rue thee, 

   Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--

   In silence I grieve,

That thy heart could forget, 

   Thy spirit deceive.

If I should meet thee 

   After long years,

How should I greet thee?--

   With silence and tears.

Taking a Day Off

When I said the other day that I was overwhelmed, I meant it, so I am basically taking a day off from blogging.  First off, I've been kind of sick all weekend.  Second, there is so much whirling around in my head that I have no idea what to write.  Today, I will mostly spend packing and making a few phone calls in an attempt to find a place to live.  I also have a bit of paperwork to fill out as a new hire.  It's quite likely that if I can find the right place this week and can work things out, I will be starting my new job a week from today; otherwise, my start date will be pushed back two more weeks.

The Way Out

No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.  Corinthians 10:13

For the past six year, I have felt like I was in quicksand and slowly being pulled under.  The harder I tried to escape, the more deeply mired I became.  I was dying both in mind and body.  I became complacent over the past six years.  Six years ago, I had been looking for a college teaching job because I had two choices: find a good job and finish my dissertation or move home and finish my dissertation. I couldn't financially sustain my life as it was.  The problem was that six years ago, we were right in the middle of the Great Recession.  Every job I applied for had their search cancelled because of lack of funding.  Without a good job that would also allow me to research and write, I could no longer financially support myself and have any hopes of finishing my dissertation.  So I moved home with my parents.  I continued working on my dissertation and believed that I was making progress and I continued to look for a job.  Neither worked out as planned.  My dissertation advisor, who I was thrown to when my previous advisors all left for other universities, hated my dissertation topic and did not believe in me.  By the time I finally got a new advisor, I was so discouraged that I just couldn't bring myself to finish.

I also knew that I had to get out of my parents’ house so when the chance to teach at a small private school in Alabama came my way, I took it.  That's when I really got bogged down in he quicksand that has been Alabama.  I became complacent here.  I got even more discouraged over further rejection letters as I continued to look for other employment.  I got discouraged to the point of barely even looking for other jobs.  Then that door was slammed in my face as a coach was hired to replace me.  A coach that my former colleagues describe as having the personality and teaching ability of a door knob.

The last five years, I have had one thing that sustained me and kept me from completely being consumed by the mire of Alabama.  It was this blog.  Not only did it give me a creative outlet but it brought into my life some truly wonderful people, some that will be lifelong friends.  They have helped me through the rough times.  Four years ago, one of those friends sent me two articles from the New York Times’ Sunday Magazine about homosexuality and religion.  Those articles began a personal study on the churches of Christ and homosexuality which became a week long set of blog posts.  In turn, it led me to write my Sunday devotionals/bible studies.

I have always said that these Sunday posts were my own personal bible studies but that I posted them for those who wanted to study with me.  My faith has grown stronger because of these bible studies.  I never lost my faith in God, but I had lost my faith in Christians.  The more I studied, the more I came to understand the true depths of God’s love.  Homosexuality cannot be a sin because love cannot be a sin.  Love is not exclusive to opposite sex couples, but to all people regardless of gender.  I also came to realize that those people who preach hate are not Christians at all because they do not follow God.   God is the God of John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” 

When I lost my job four months ago, I never let my faith waiver.  I knew that God would provide.  For the last nine months, he has provided a wonderful man in my life.  I know that my boyfriend was a gift from God.  He has been there for me and encouraged me.  God brings people into our lives when we need them most.  He brought some very special blog friends into my life, some who provided great encouragement and advice when I needed it most.  You have provided prayers when I needed them, and you have proven without a shadow of a doubt that prayers do work.  I found a dream job, I am getting out of Alabama, my headaches have improved, and Miss E came through her surgery very well and continues to improve.

I believe that God has guided me and provided for me, especially in the last four months.  I believe that He guided me to the job announcement for this job.  It was not a job site I'd ever known about but was led to it and I saw this announcement.  I knew immediately that it was a job I had to apply for.  I labored over the application to make sure that it was absolutely perfect.  I firmly believe that God sent me certain signs of encouragement along the way.  While interviewing for another job, the woman interviewing me was very interested in the same experience that I'd relied on for the Vermont job.  At the time, I thought that if she was intrigued by this experience, even if it had nothing to do with the job she was interviewing me for, that it must mean that it was a very strong part of my resume.  I hoped that it would shine through with the people in Vermont.  Apparently, it did.  Also, Vermont kept popping up everywhere.  My boss where I'd volunteered over the summer (I'd told her about the job when I applied), handed me a Vermont quarter one morning.  Later that afternoon, I was called for the telephone interview.  The next week, while also volunteering, I picked up a quarter off a cart that I was moving.  Guess what, it too was a Vermont quarter.  That day when I got home, I had a message on my answering machine inviting me up for an interview.  God works in mysterious ways.  And it could have just been coincidence, but I will always believe it was God telling me, “Be patient, I've got you covered on this one.”

James 1:2-8 states, “My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind; for the doubter, being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord.”  When I lost my job, I was devastated but realized that that when I “face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy.”  I realized that losing that job was a blessing.  When I asked for wisdom about interview techniques, I received perfect advice from an amazing friend.

Having this understanding about what trials can accomplish enables us to have a joyful attitude toward such trials. To truly turn trials into triumph, we must let patience do it's work.   Too often, we want to get our trials or difficulties over with quickly, but there are times when the best course is to bear up under the trial patiently. Instead of grumbling and complaining, patiently endure the trial, doing good despite the trial.  When we experience rejection of any kind, we must show patience and let our own good work and righteousness speak for us. When patience has the opportunity to work, it produces maturity.  In James 1:4, the word "perfect" does not mean that we must be sinless; Romans 3:23 states that "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," instead perfect means  "completeness, wholeness, and maturity."

We should remember that Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”  The chorus of the hymn “He Lives” says, “He walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way.”  Life may have its difficulties and sometimes they may seem like it is more than we can handle, but we must keep our faith, we must pray to God, and we must remember that God is with us every step of the way.

I'm going to close with a poem that was much beloved by my grandmother:

Footprints In The Sand 

by Mary Stevenson

One night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach

with the Lord..

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..

For each scene, I noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand,

one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me

and I questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why

when I need you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My precious child, I love you and would

never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints, it was then

that I carried you."

These last six years, God has tested me, but not so much that I could not bear it.  There was a reason for His tests, and I know that I am a better Christian for this journey.  He has strengthened me.  I have triumphed over adversity, and he has provided me with a way out of the quicksand that was slowly killing me as it drug me under.  There is still a lot to do as my time in Alabama grows shorter, but God arrived with the rope to pull me out of the quicksand just when I needed him most.

Moment of Zen: Cats

Updates: Overwhelmed, but Excited and Hopeful

Searching for an apartment 1350 miles away is not easy.  I just want a decent apartment, but apparently in Vermont, apartment complexes are few and far between, at least in the part of Vermont where I will be living.  Luckily, my new place of employment has some resources to help with locating a place to live.  Internet searches seem to just scratch the surface of what's out there.  I'll call tomorrow and get into the university's system and then I can use their resources.  I may have to fly up next week and do some searching.  The other option is to pack the car, drive up, crash at the house of my new boss or my coworkers (they all offered me a place to crash), and then find a place.  

By the way, if I haven't said this before, I will be working with an amazing group of people.  Each has told me how excited they are that I will be joining them as part of their team, and each has offered assistance in any way possible.  While I have only met them in person for two days, I feel like I already know them. They welcomed me from the very beginning.  Apparently, when the committee (which is the whole museum staff of four) voted, the vote was unanimous in my favor.

The logistics of everything will be worked out in the next week.  I feel sure of it.  I'll find out tomorrow when my probable start date will be.  HR would like for me to start at the beginning of a pay period, so I'm guessing that means I will likely have one of two dates to choose from since the university has pay periods starting every two weeks. As soon as I get home from my doctor's appointment, I'll give HR a call.

Have I mentioned that all of this is a little overwhelming?  Very exciting, but overwhelming.

Also, I wanted to thank all of you for your prayers.  Miss E pulled through the surgery better than the doctors could have hoped.  She's a truly remarkable woman.  At 101, she's got spunk.  I saw her yesterday, and she was giving them hell.  Not in a mean malicious way, but she wants to do things her way.  She's nice about it, but she lets them know nonetheless.  When they attached the blood/oxygen monitor to her finger, she did not like that and removed it four times.  She finally gave up trying to take it off when I told her that she had to have it on and that they would just come and put it back on.  She didn't believe her daughter when she said that.  The pain medication had her a bit disoriented, but she had amazing moments of clarity.  When I left, she asked me when I would be leaving for Vermont.  

She is elderly and fragile, but I'd never call her weak.  Of course she isn't out of the woods yet, but we will keep praying, and I hope all of you will as well.  One of these days, God willing, she's going to break the record for the oldest living woman. Of course, she will never admit it.  She hasn't been truthful about her age for over 80 years.  You see, she was a few years older than her husband.  In her day, women didn't marry younger men, so she shaved off a few years.  There is no doubt what her age really is, but she'll tell you she's 98.  At her 101st birthday party, she admitted that she might be 100, but like her driver's license she claims that is wrong.  Her version is that they put the wrong date on her birth certificate.  On her 100th birthday she claimed for weeks leading up to it that she was only 95, then she remembered that she'd already had a big celebration for that milestone, so she changed it to 97.  So we through a huge 97th birthday party.

I'm so glad that she made it through the surgery and as long as things continue to improve, then she is likely to make it through this.  The fight will come from her not wanting to go to rehab for physical therapy.  She will insist that she go home and they come to her.  She will get her way too, because at 101, you've earned the right to have it your way.  Besides, she can afford it, she owns one of the largest cattle farms in the county.  Her late husband collected land like some people collect stamps.  Honestly, you'd never know it. She worked all her life, as did her late husband.  I doubt she knows her true monetary worth, but for all who know her, she is priceless.