Comfort in Times of Tragedy

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing. — 1 Thessalonians 5:11

My thoughts and prayers are with those in Paris. Such a senseless tragedy is shocking but becomes more and more frequent in here terror filled times. When a nation faces tragedy, how can it cope? And how do we work through the grief individually when we suddenly lose a loved one? There is hope for the future. You can find comfort and assurance!

We all desire to have a secure, predictable and peaceful world. But when tragedy strikes, we awaken to new realities. The terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday night no doubt shocked all of us.  We suddenly realize our world's—and our own—vulnerability. The Paris attacks killed 129, wounded 352, with 99 people in critical condition.

Most of us have lost loved ones at some time in our lives, whether through tragic accidents, disease or violence. How can we cope with such loss? Those who have lost loved ones need comforting. They need hope and reassurance. As Scripture says: "Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11). If you know someone who needs reassurance, give comfort. Let that person know you care. Give a hug or place a phone call. Provide help as you are able. When a loved one hurts, we suffer with that loved one. The Apostle Paul wrote that "there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." (1 Corinthians 12:25-26).

We can identify with those who suffer because we, most likely, have also suffered at one time or another in our own lives. We can empathize with their pain and with their loss. You can help others by giving comfort in times of tragedy. Our tears can demonstrate a deep concern for our friends and the victims of tragedy. God is the Father of mercies and God of all comfort. When we share our sorrow with our Father in Heaven, He gives comfort. Several of the Psalms express King David's sorrow as he shared his intimate feelings in prayer. You, too, can pray using the Psalms. David cried out in prayer to his God: "Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; do not be silent at my tears; for I am a stranger with You, a sojourner, as all my fathers were" (Psalm 39:12). God answers prayer. David begins the very next Psalm exclaiming, "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry" (Psalm 40:1). God will hear our cry as well. Notice this encouraging promise: "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him" (Psalm 126:5-6).

When we are honest with our feelings, and share them with God in Heaven, He promises to comfort us. Some of us struggle with the problem of evil in the world. We do not understand how an all-powerful God, who is love, can allow such evil in the world. God's long-term plan of salvation takes this into account. There is a real devil who is out to destroy all humanity, and he uses human instruments to perpetrate death and destruction. Satan the Devil is out to thwart God's plan. But he has failed—and will yet utterly fail.

How do you cope with tragedies? Pray with your whole heart. Scripture shows us that we are saved by His life: "For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life" (Romans 5:10). We need to seek our Savior with all our heart. In emphasizing the Ten Commandments, the Apostle Paul wrote: "Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed" (Romans 13:10-11).

We need to give comfort to others in time of tragedy. We should contribute to their physical, spiritual and emotional needs. We ought to pray for the victims and their families, because we know our prayers can make a difference. "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16). Are you praying for the victims of terrorist attacks and other tragedies?

Not only do we comfort others and pray for others, but we ourselves can find comfort and assurance from our Father in Heaven who is called "the Father of mercies and God of all comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:3). Paul reminds us that we can take comfort in Scripture, and that we should give this comfort to others. The truth of the Bible can bring comfort in times of tragedy. We all need this inspiring, hope-filled truth.

Moment of Zen: Colton Haynes

I have probably used more pictures of Colton Haynes on this blog than any other single person.  For me, he is close to perfection and these pictures just reinforce that because of his hairy chest.  Usually, Colton is shaved smooth but it is so refreshing and hot to see him with some chest hair. Not to mention the fantasies that these pictures of him naked in bed evoke...

Kurt Marshall

Fifty years ago today, James Allen Rideout, Jr. was born in Waterville, Maine, about 200 miles away from where I currently live.  Eighteen years later, he took on the name Kurt Marshall and began making gay pornographic movies.  Marshall was in one of the most stunning and lusted after blondes to ever hit gay porn. In his gay porn career, he only made four movies: Sizing Up, The Other Side of Aspen II, Splash Shots, and Night Fall. Although he appeared in only those four films, the gay porn magazine Unzipped named him one of the top 100 gay porn stars of all time in 2006, author Leigh Rutledge listed him as the ninth most influential gay porn star of all time in 2000, and adult film magazine editor John Erich called him one of the "most beautiful" gay adult film stars of the 1980s. To say that Kurt Marshall was influential in gay porn would be an understatement, but he was a shooting star that burned brightly, and his light only shone for a short time.

You might ask why he was so influential to gay porn.  In 1984, at the age of 18, he starred in his first film, Matt Sterling's Sizing Up. His role was that of a star track and field athlete, which echoed his high school sports experiences. He graduated high school after lettering in swimming and track and field. A historian of gay erotic film called Sizing Up a "superior example of [a] gay porn video which make[s] gay men visible in places where they have mostly been invisible..." He made three films the following year, all for Falcon Studios, the highly influential The Other Side of Aspen II, Splash Shots, and Night Flight. The Other Side of Aspen II was Falcon's first film which was shot entirely on video. Adult Video News (AVN) later rated the film as the ninth most innovative and influential gay porn film of all time in 2005. His second film, Splash Shots, was credited with making sex around the swimming pool a gay porn cliché.

Marshall was an advocate for gay rights, once telling an interviewer for Stallion Magazine in 1986, "I think to be gay is to be blessed. We have so much freedom, so many choices. This isn't our moment to party or to think we're going to stay young forever...maybe it's our time to find someone to be safe with...to be happy with..." He was never sorry for what his porn career or for who he was, and went on to say, "One can only judge something with one’s own eyes – something’s only bad when it has a bad influence on you. If something turns out good, you can’t look back and think that it was wrong...” Like so many gay men of the 1980s, we all probably wish he could have found "someone to be safe with."

Sadly Marshall succumbed to the problem that many gay porn actors of the past and today face.  Marshall was an admitted drug user, mostly cocaine, which is probably why he was reported to be difficult to work with on shoots. He was sometimes called a "diva" but with those looks, I can understand why. As a gay porn actor of the 1980s and before the use of condoms (though most studios today are also forgoing condoms again, a trend that began long before PrEP). Marshall met the fate of most of the "pre-condom classic" porn actors, he tested positive for HIV in 1986. He came out to his family that same year and entered a drug rehabilitation program. He moved to San Diego, California in 1987, but returned to Los Angeles later that same year, and worked in the construction industry. He died on October 10, 1988, at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center. The official cause of death was kidney failure due to substance abuse and AIDS.

I honestly can't watch a gay porn of the 1970s or 1980s without wondering if those men survived the AIDS epidemic. Most of them did not. Gay porn has once again turned to condom-less sex, but many now forgo the classic "money shot" for the far more risky "cream pie" shot. Even with the amount of STD screenings and testing gay porn studios do, the actors are still taking risks, and while PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) is being touted as a prevention option for people who are at high risk of getting HIV, it is still not considered 100 percent. I will not be a hypocrite and say that I don't enjoy watching condomless sex, but I also understand the risks of not using a condom. Many young people don't. They did not live through the 1980s and 1990s, when nearly everyone knew someone who had died of AIDS. HIV is still a virus; it is still incurable; and it is still deadly. While people may live longer with advances that come with understanding the virus more effectively, the quality of life on HIV medications is still often difficult. I urge my younger readers especially to please use a condom. If you are going to forgo the condom, I hope that you are in a committed relationship and you have both been tested. I want us all to have long healthy, productive, and happy lives.

Waves

I've talked about my cluster headaches before, and since I've been on my new medication, they have greatly improved.  I've gone from chronic cluster headaches to more episodic ones. The way that I always describe them is that they feel like an ice pick driven in my eye and it comes out the lower back of my head.  I titled this post waves because when I have one, it comes and goes in waves, like I am riding waves at the beach. When you are at the crest of the wave is when the headache is most intense and then it eases off as you go down into the trough of the wave until it is almost completely gone before building in intensity once again and the cycle begins again.  Since I started on my new medicine, I get these headaches much less frequently but also the waves are like being out in the ocean, that point where your feet can touch the sand when the waves is in its trough and then it lifts you up as the wave rises.  Before my new medicine, it was like I was caught in the breakers. Each wave came crashing down, sometimes knocking me down and just as I would get up, I was hit again and when there was relief it was ever so very slight but the pain never completely went away because I was constantly being hit by the waves and being pulled down.

None of this may make any sense, but yesterday I had a cluster headache all day. As I road the "waves" throughout the day, I kept thinking of this analogy.  It's the best way I can think to explain it.  Also, I wrote this when o was in one of the low troughs, so the pain had eased, but I can tell that it's not gone away completely.  I'm hoping that I will feel better today.

In Flanders Field

In Flanders Fields

By John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

      Between the crosses, row on row,

   That mark our place; and in the sky

   The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

   Loved and were loved, and now we lie

         In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

   The torch; be yours to hold it high.

   If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

         In Flanders fields.

McCrae's "In Flanders Fields" remains to this day one of the most memorable war poems ever written. It is a lasting legacy of the terrible battle in the Ypres salient in the spring of 1915. Canadian physician Major John McCrae was inspired to write it on May 3, 1915, after presiding over the funeral of former student, friend, and fellow soldier Alexis Helmer, who died in the Second Battle of Ypres. According to legend, McCrae discarded the poem in a nearby trash can because he was not satisfied with it.  A fellow officer retrieved it and sent it to newspapers in England. The Spectator, in London, rejected it, but the London-based magazine Punch published "In Flanders Fields" on December 8, 1915.

McCrae was moved to the medical corps and stationed in Boulogne, France, in June 1915 where he was promoted to Lieutenant-Colonel, and placed in charge of medicine at the Number 3 Canadian General Hospital. He was promoted to the acting rank of Colonel on January 13, 1918, and named Consulting Physician to the British Armies in France. The years of war had worn McCrae down, however. He contracted pneumonia that same day, and later came down with cerebral meningitis. On January 28, 1918, he died at the military hospital in Wimereux and was buried there with full military honors.

I chose this poem today because around the world tomorrow, November 11 is celebrated as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day and in the United States as Veterans Day.    World War I – known at the time as “The Great War” - officially ended when the Treaty of Versailles was signed on June 28, 1919, five years after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria which had begun the war.  The Treaty was signed in the Hall of Mirrors at the Palace of Versailles outside the town of Versailles, France. However, fighting ceased seven months earlier when an armistice, or temporary cessation of hostilities, between the Allied nations and Germany went into effect on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. For that reason, November 11, 1918, is generally regarded as the end of “the war to end all wars.”

In November 1919, President Wilson proclaimed November 11 as the first commemoration of Armistice Day with the following words: "To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations…". The original concept for the celebration was for a day observed with parades and public meetings and a brief suspension of business beginning at 11:00 a.m.

A Congressional Act approved May 13, 1938, officially made the 11th of November in each year a legal holiday—a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace and to be thereafter celebrated and known as "Armistice Day." Armistice Day was primarily a day set aside to honor veterans of World War I, but in 1954, after World War II had required the greatest mobilization of soldiers, sailors, Marines and airmen in the Nation’s history; after American forces had fought aggression in Korea, the 83rd Congress, at the urging of the veterans service organizations, amended the Act of 1938 by striking out the word "Armistice" and inserting in its place the word "Veterans." With the approval of this legislation on June 1, 1954, November 11th became a day to honor American veterans of all wars.

Though there has been a few attempts to move the holiday to a Monday or to celebrate it at other times, Veterans Day continues to be observed on November 11, regardless of what day of the week on which it falls. The restoration of the observance of Veterans Day to November 11 not only preserves the historical significance of the date, but helps focus attention on the important purpose of Veterans Day: A celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good.

Note:

The photograph above is from Kristine Potter’s series of black and white photographs, The Grey Line, a collection of portraits made at The United States Military Academy at West Point.  I loved the mist in this picture.  To me, it was  a perfect symbol for a Veterans Day commemoration.

Making Friends

Last night was my family's last night on Vermont.  My dad said that it seemed like all he had done was eaten and didn't want any dinner, so my mother and I went to dinner on our own.  We walked a block or so from their hotel and found this little pizza place called Positive Pie that I had heard good things about. We both had the shrimp scampi because they don't just serve pizza but Italian food in general. We had the cutest waiter (not the guy in the picture above), who I'm pretty sure was gay because he was very flirtatious toward me. First of all, let me say that it went nowhere because of three things: 1) my mother was there, 2) he was more than half my age, and 3) he was obviously flirting to get a good tip. I've always had a thing for guys in the service industry: waiters, bartenders, baristas, etc., and it is fun to get some positive attention, even if you know it won't lead anywhere.  That being said, this will not be my last visit to Positive Pie.

I was telling a friend of mine about my encounter with the waiter, and he encouraged me to try more to make friends up here and not just coworkers.  It's hard to make friends though.  On gay.net's Ask Adam (http://www.gay.net/dating/2015/10/28/ask-adam-how-can-gay-guys-find-friends), there was a question about how gay guys can find friends. "Isolated in Illinois" seems to have a similar situation to me, and I liked Adam's answer, which you can read below.  There are at least one or two gay men's groups around here and I've been invited to attend a supper club that's an our or so south of here, which would be lots of fun.  I just need to find the courage to follow Adam's advice.  Read the column below, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

ASK ADAM: HOW CAN GAY GUYS FIND FRIENDS?

Dear Adam,

I know how to talk to people, I’m reasonably smart and attractive, and yet I feel isolated a lot of the time. I knew how to make friends in college, but since graduating five years ago, I’ve yet to make a real friend. Is this normal?

Signed,

Isolated in Illinois

Dear Isolated in Illinois,

Modern life can be a lonely place.

Most people are struggling with this, but LGBT people can feel especially isolated. It comes with the territory of being different. And you’ve always been different.

As a teenager, you never could fully join the exciting conversations and social rituals around opposite-sex attraction. You may have faked it, but you never were really a part of it. 

While all your friends were crushing on the movie stars of the day, you silently longed for all the “wrong” ones. Even the nerdy, heterosexual outcasts in your school belonged in a way you didn’t. Because they were straight, they really didn’t have to question if they were a member of the human race. At an unconscious level, many LGBT people don’t feel like a member of the human race. We can feel like a different species.

And while you may have already worked hard to accept your differences, at some level, we all just want to fit in. This is wired into primates. So it isn’t surprising that we may struggle a little more with feelings of loneliness and isolation as grown ups. 

Like all worthwhile experiences, creating friendships takes work. There’s a myth that it should be easy, that it should just happen. In reality, building a network of friends requires the same kind of strategic activity that goes into finding a job or the love of your life.

Practical Advice

What follows is my best tip on building your friendship network.

There is something magic about seeing the same group of people each week for months and years. Just the consistent close proximity creates the safety that is needed to turn a stranger into a friend. This is why it is easier to make friends in college. Therefore, joining weekly groups is the number one best way to make a friend. 

Do you know who has the best social network in any city?  It’s people who attend 12-step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. This makes sense: they are a group of people who meet frequently to try and be authentic, supportive, and remove a piece of the social mask. 

Who else meets regularly? It’s the people in the LGBT sports league, the LGBT volunteer service organization, the LGBT spiritual or arts group, the LGBT meetup.com group. Google will lead you to them.

Yes, joining groups takes time and you are busy with work. But people who join groups tend to be people who can commit to people. And those are the people who make good friends.

It’s also a great way to find a committed partner. Personal disclosure moment: I found my husband, and all my previous boyfriends before him, through LGBT volunteer groups.

The Path From Acquaintance to Friend

You may know lots of people, but still feel isolated. The secret sauce that turns acquaintances into friends is personal disclosure. There’s a limit to how far you can get with a person if you aren’t willing to reveal something that feels vulnerable about yourself.

Again, this can be a little more challenging for LGBT people. We’ve been trained since we were 6 years old to hide what we feel. What we liked wasn’t good. It was disgusting. Or so we were told.

So it takes practice. Begin revealing something only a little uncomfortable and see how that goes. If your acquaintance handles that well then you can test out the next level of disclosure.

Ultimately, the most powerful way to deepen a connection with someone is to dare to admit your friendly affection for them. 

If you have butterflies in your stomach when talking about yourself, then you’ll know you are doing something right. There is no personal growth without butterflies.

Don’t think friends are all that important to happiness?

According to Bronnie Ware, a palliative nurse who wrote The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, one of the top regrets of people who are dying are:  “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”.

Too busy for friends?  Another one of the top five regrets of the dying is “I wished I didn’t work so hard.”

Your relationships truly matter.

ADAM D. BLUM, MFT is a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of the Gay Therapy Center, which specializes in relationship and self-esteem issues for LGBT people. The Center offers services in their San Francisco offices, or by Skype and phone worldwide. Visit their website to subscribe to their e-newsletter and free guide on building gay relationships. Follow them on Facebook and read their blog.  Email Adam your questions for possible publication. Questions may be edited.

A Beautiful Life

"Let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith" 

Galatians 6:10

A Beautiful Life

Each day I’ll do a golden deed,
By helping those who are in need;
My life on earth is but a span,
And so I’ll do the best I can.

Life’s evening sun is sinking low,
A few more days and I must go.
To meet the deeds that I have done.
Where there will be no setting sun.

To be a child of God each day,
My light must shine a-long the way;
I’ll sing His praise while ages roll
And strive to help some troubled soul.

Life’s evening sun is sinking low,
A few more days and I must go.
To meet the deeds that I have done.
Where there will be no setting sun.

The only life that will endure,
Is the one that’s kind and good and pure;
And so for God I’ll take my stand,
Each day I’ll lend a helping hand.

Life’s evening sun is sinking low,
A few more days and I must go.
To meet the deeds that I have done.
Where there will be no setting sun.

“A Beautiful Life” is a song which encourages us to do good unto others in order that we might be an influence for righteousness in this world. The text was written and the tune (Life’s Evening Sun) was composed both by William M. Golden (1878-1934). The song is dated 1918, but little information about its background is available. Perhaps Golden’s best known song is "Where the Soul Never Dies," beginning, "To Canaan’s land I’m on my way."

While I have sung this song many times in church, my most vivid memories are of my mother playing it on the piano. It was one of the songs that she loved to use to proactive playing the piano. I knew the tune long before I knew the words; however, this is one of the most beautiful songs when sung A Capella. When it is sung, the base begins "Each day I'll do," followed by the higher voices singing "A golden deed." Each line alternates between the two and when done right it's an amazingly beautiful song.

The song suggests several things that we can do to be a good influence on others. According to stanza 1, we must do our work for the Lord every day. Christianity is a religion that must be practiced daily and affect our daily lives. Therefore, daily we should be concerned about those who are in need. The reason that this is so important is that our lives are limited so we must do good while we have the time.

According to stanza 2, we must let our lights shine. God wants us to be His spiritual children. However, as His children, He wants us to let our lights so shine that men may see our good works and glorify Him. One way to do this is to sing His praise that we might teach and admonish others.

According to stanza 3, we must be kind to others. Our lives are more than just our physical existence, and to have an enduring quality they must be influenced by Christ. A life that is truly influenced by Christ will be characterized by kindness. Such a life will also not be ashamed to take a stand for God so that it can be a help to others.

The chorus re-emphasizes the need to be doing these things because of the brevity of life. God has eternal life planned for His people in heaven. However, to be made fit for such a wonderful dwelling place, we must strive while we journey here on this earth to have "A Beautiful Life."

Moment of Zen: Ice Cream

I'm taking my family to tour the Ben & Jerry's Factory today.  I've never been either but it should be lot of fun.

The Family Is Coming!

I am dreading this weekend.  My parents and my aunt is coming up for a visit. I love my family and while I do look forward to seeing them, thankfully they will be here only for the weekend. They drive me crazy and there is a lot about this weekend I'm not looking forward to.  They've been driving up to bring me the rest of my belongings, but they have been pushing it to get up here.  They drove late into the night Wednesday, and all day and evening yesterday, and last I talked to them, they are about six hours away.  I tried to get them to take it easy on the way up, mainly because I didn't want them cranky and in a bad mood when they get here because they haven't rested enough. They will do the opposite of what I suggest they do anyway, and they are taking what looks like to me to be the most aggravating route, so I can't imagine them being in a great mood when they get here.  Hopefully, I can just keep them busy all weekend and they won't drive me too crazy.

Movember

Movember (a portmanteau of the Australian-English diminutive word for moustache, "mo", and "November") is an annual event involving the growing of moustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of men's health issues, such as depression in men, prostate cancer and other male cancers, and associated charities. The Movember Foundation runs the Movember charity event, housed at movember.com. The goal of Movember is to "change the face of men's health."

By encouraging men (whom the charity refers to as "Mo Bros") to get involved, Movember aims to increase early cancer detection, diagnosis and effective treatments, and ultimately reduce the number of preventable deaths. Besides annual check-ups, the Movember Foundation encourages men to be aware of family history of cancer and to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Since 2004, the Movember Foundation charity has run Movember events to raise awareness and funds for men's health issues, such as prostate and testicular cancer and depression, in Australia and New Zealand . In 2007, events were launched in Ireland, Canada, Czech Republic, Denmark, El Salvador, Spain, the United Kingdom, Israel, South Africa, Taiwan and the United States. As of 2011, Canadians were the largest contributors to the Movember charities of any nation. In 2010, Movember merged with the testicular cancer event Touchback.

While I wont be growing a moustache for November, as I've always found them to be fairly unattractive on men (facial hair is something I can take or leave, though some men are very attractive with a bit of scruff or a well groomed beard and moustache), this charity seems to be very worthwhile.  In 2012, the Global Journal listed Movember as one of the world's top 100 NGOs (non-government organization). Remember, that testicular exams are best administered when the scrotum is loosest, preferably after a hot shower, and if you can have a buddy help you, it can be quite fun and possibly lead to other activities.