Love/Hate Relationships

Sometime, men just suck, and not in the way I'd like them to suck either.  I've always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with men.  As a gay man, I am obviously attracted to men and the love the idea of finding a man that I love and who loves me and settling down for life with that man.  Then again, it seems like all of the men I know or have met are a bunch of lying assholes.  When I was younger, I will admit that I was all about the sex, but dammit, I've matured (at least that how I think of it) to the point that I know I want something more than a one night stand or a f*ck buddy.  Though, since it has been a while, sex would be nice.

I also have a love/hate relationship with the South.  I love the beauty of the South, the manners of the people, being near family, the food, but the South has its drawbacks.  It's not a good place to be a gay man.  There are no gay bars around where I live, not that I have ever found bars to be a good place to meet someone.  There seems to be no places for primarily gay men to socialize or even for gay men to meet each other.  Then there is the Internet, which is always a disappointment.  If you look on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, or Grindr, there isn't a man in a twenty mile radiance. I rarely log onto online hook-up sites, and when I do, it's generally because I have gotten a notification of a message in my inbox and I check it out just so I can stop getting those annoying notifications.  It's also fun to see who's out there on occasion.  Nothing is ever there (well it's always the same people on there), but I still look.  I also think it is a terrible place to look for a relationship.

On a few occasions, I have had someone message me while I was on there.  We begin chatting, have a good rapport, and begin exchanging texts back and forth. All seems to go well, then you decide you want to meet and just like that, they are gone.  He will seem so excited to meet up, then when you try to establish a time, he just quits answering you. I don't know if the men around here are just scared, married, or what, but it just never seems to work out.

Quite honestly, I am sick of it.  Why can't men be honest?  Why do they just want to play games?  If you like someone, why not meet for coffee or dinner.  If you get together and there is something physically unappealing about the person, does it mean that you can't be friends?  I would love to have some gay companionship.  It doesn't have to be all about the sex.

I am an intelligent human being.  Most people think I have a great personality and sense of humor, and I've been told that I am, and I quote, "damn cute."  Yes, the older I get, the thinner and grayer my hair is, the more receding my hairline is, and the more expanding my waist is.  The first two, I can do nothing about, it's genetic, but the third, I try to work on, but I have always struggled with my weight.  I'm not obese, but I am overweight and it's something that is difficult for me to change.   I am a loving, caring, and compassionate person.  I am also a fabulous cook, part of the reason for that expanding waistline.  Why do looks matter so much to so many gay men?  Then again, maybe it's not looks, maybe it is something else: personality, distance, or maybe I'm just boring.

I know I am ranting and bitching about men, and though many men I have known fall into the shallow category, not all are that way.  I was a bit shallow in my twenties, but I dont feel that way anymore.  i dont care about looks.  its the person that counts.  Some might say that I am not shallow any longer just because I have less hair and more fat.  I don't think that is the reason.  I have worked hard to mature as a person and to not be judgmental.  I am who I am, and I want a man to be himself, not someone's idealized version of a man should be.

I believe a lot of you guys who are reading this are probably exceptions to the description I have given of men above, but you all live so damn far away.  I know of one particular man, who has become a great friend of mine.  He is selfless and gives and gives, expecting nothing but friendship in return.  He is a wonderful human being, and I would be his friend regardless of anything else.  I am truly blessed to know him.  The truth is, I love him very deeply.  He's older than me, but that doesn't matter a hill of beans to me. I like a man who is mature, and the age different is really not that much.  The fact is, if he didn't live so far away and if he would even have me, I'd marry him in a heartbeat.  By the away, gay marriage is not legal in his state, but civil unions are.

There's a saying that "the good ones are always gay," but for me it's more that "the good ones are too far away."  I guess the grass is greener on the other side.  Someday, I hope to find that someone out there, but until then, thank goodness I have my straight friends for companionship and my right hand for well...I think you can guess what I like to use it for.