Thursday, June 20, 2013

Love/Hate Relationships

Sometime, men just suck, and not in the way I'd like them to suck either.  I've always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with men.  As a gay man, I am obviously attracted to men and the love the idea of finding a man that I love and who loves me and settling down for life with that man.  Then again, it seems like all of the men I know or have met are a bunch of lying assholes.  When I was younger, I will admit that I was all about the sex, but dammit, I've matured (at least that how I think of it) to the point that I know I want something more than a one night stand or a f*ck buddy.  Though, since it has been a while, sex would be nice.

I also have a love/hate relationship with the South.  I love the beauty of the South, the manners of the people, being near family, the food, but the South has its drawbacks.  It's not a good place to be a gay man.  There are no gay bars around where I live, not that I have ever found bars to be a good place to meet someone.  There seems to be no places for primarily gay men to socialize or even for gay men to meet each other.  Then there is the Internet, which is always a disappointment.  If you look on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, or Grindr, there isn't a man in a twenty mile radiance. I rarely log onto online hook-up sites, and when I do, it's generally because I have gotten a notification of a message in my inbox and I check it out just so I can stop getting those annoying notifications.  It's also fun to see who's out there on occasion.  Nothing is ever there (well it's always the same people on there), but I still look.  I also think it is a terrible place to look for a relationship.

On a few occasions, I have had someone message me while I was on there.  We begin chatting, have a good rapport, and begin exchanging texts back and forth. All seems to go well, then you decide you want to meet and just like that, they are gone.  He will seem so excited to meet up, then when you try to establish a time, he just quits answering you. I don't know if the men around here are just scared, married, or what, but it just never seems to work out.

Quite honestly, I am sick of it.  Why can't men be honest?  Why do they just want to play games?  If you like someone, why not meet for coffee or dinner.  If you get together and there is something physically unappealing about the person, does it mean that you can't be friends?  I would love to have some gay companionship.  It doesn't have to be all about the sex.

I am an intelligent human being.  Most people think I have a great personality and sense of humor, and I've been told that I am, and I quote, "damn cute."  Yes, the older I get, the thinner and grayer my hair is, the more receding my hairline is, and the more expanding my waist is.  The first two, I can do nothing about, it's genetic, but the third, I try to work on, but I have always struggled with my weight.  I'm not obese, but I am overweight and it's something that is difficult for me to change.   I am a loving, caring, and compassionate person.  I am also a fabulous cook, part of the reason for that expanding waistline.  Why do looks matter so much to so many gay men?  Then again, maybe it's not looks, maybe it is something else: personality, distance, or maybe I'm just boring.

I know I am ranting and bitching about men, and though many men I have known fall into the shallow category, not all are that way.  I was a bit shallow in my twenties, but I dont feel that way anymore.  i dont care about looks.  its the person that counts.  Some might say that I am not shallow any longer just because I have less hair and more fat.  I don't think that is the reason.  I have worked hard to mature as a person and to not be judgmental.  I am who I am, and I want a man to be himself, not someone's idealized version of a man should be.

I believe a lot of you guys who are reading this are probably exceptions to the description I have given of men above, but you all live so damn far away.  I know of one particular man, who has become a great friend of mine.  He is selfless and gives and gives, expecting nothing but friendship in return.  He is a wonderful human being, and I would be his friend regardless of anything else.  I am truly blessed to know him.  The truth is, I love him very deeply.  He's older than me, but that doesn't matter a hill of beans to me. I like a man who is mature, and the age different is really not that much.  The fact is, if he didn't live so far away and if he would even have me, I'd marry him in a heartbeat.  By the away, gay marriage is not legal in his state, but civil unions are.

There's a saying that "the good ones are always gay," but for me it's more that "the good ones are too far away."  I guess the grass is greener on the other side.  Someday, I hope to find that someone out there, but until then, thank goodness I have my straight friends for companionship and my right hand for well...I think you can guess what I like to use it for.


den81164 said...

have you been reading my mind? lol

SEAN (Just A Jeep Guy) said...

I'm so glad that you never used "gay" when complaining about men. I think all men, straight,gay, bi, have the same basic needs, drives and qualities. The difference is that women hold their men accountable to their needs as women. When you put two men together it removes many of the checks and balances we were raised seeing and being taught to strive for.

I currently on Long Island, just a 40 train ride to NYC but it might as well be another state. Long Island really has not gay life except for closeted married men unless you go way out on the island but that's over an hour's drive. NYC men only want other NYC men and it is so competitive there as well as expensive. Being close doesn't make it accessible - it takes too much effort. When I can (I'm taking care of my dying mom) I'll move back to DC or somewhere else.

Will you ever move? Maybe after school or will you be tied to the university?

Also, if that man you love is reading this, it sounds like to me you just proposed!

Knoxxy said...

Hook up sites are always very bad when looking for a relationship. makes you jaded too.

Anonymous said...

you would be PERFECT for a friend of mine :-)

Anonymous said...

Two of the loneliest (but not THE loneliest) and sexless years of my adult life were spent in middle Georgia. I know what you mean. Try out or Craigslist's "Miscellaneous Romance" section. Someone will find you handsome, admire your intelligence, want to eat your cooking. He's out there, keep looking.

Like you, my love/hate relationship with the South is always there. As a Georgia guy, it's home. People there get my sense of humor in ways that the Philadelphia folks do not. It is a difficult, difficult place to be gay.

So, let us at least know in which state you live. We might know something that you do not. Gay Christian groups are out there in the most unlikely places, even the rural South.

Wish that I were there to give you a big hug. . .

Mike said...

I feel for you. :::Hug:::

Anonymous said...

Come on up to Richmond and let me introduce you to a man who feels exactly as you do. No online crap, just a real relationship with someone who feels and thinks (I think) like you do.

Peace <3

Ron said...

I understand your frustration. I've encounctered the same problems meeting men for friends. The Internet just didn't work. Either they didn't show up or when they did they were not as advertised. It seems I was the only honest one. Now that I'm older it really doesn't matter. Fortunately I've made a few good friends through blogging. For that I am thankful. I hope you have the same good results.

naturgesetz said...

I have a friend I met through blogging. The first time we met irl we just hit it off. As with you and your older guy, there's a considerable age difference, and we live seven hours apart. But he's visited a couple of times, and we enjoy each other's company. We don't have sex. I'd be happy to share a home with him if it were possible.

I've never tried to use the on-line dating sites, ad I think you're wise not to use them or bars as ways to meet people. I think meeting people in your regular activities is better, and I think you'd do well to visit your faraway guy when you can.

David Jeffreys said...

I know what you mean -- I want Mr. Right, right here. All of my relationships have been long distance ones, and ultimately the distance got in the way. I envy gay couples who can share their home, their pets, and their day.

Some of my best relationships, I met at a gay group that was into outdoor hiking. It seems to me, that the best way to meet Mr. Right, is to become involved in activities that you enjoy and that he would share.

I agree with Sean, that it sounds like you just proposed, and I hope he is reading this post. Find a way to minimize the distance between you.


Nikki said...

I'm straight/female, but my best friend here in the south feels the same as you do. It breaks my heart for him. I left home in KY when I was 17, vowing never to go back, but ended up in SC in the 80s, started a business and found it hard to leave. People envy my living in such a gorgeous, but It's maddening in its conservatism, homophobia and racism. Have to try to fight back and make it a better place. Love your blog!

Pier Roberto Giannelli said...

As always, your blog is a ray of light, even when you're not feeling very optimistic.... About this post--I have gone through the same difficulties; I think that you need to go somewhere else, at least as far as Atlanta! Seriously, the chances of meeting a suitable potential partner are low, unless you live where there is a sizable community (that means a really big city) and can meet an ample variety of men face to face. In my experience, Online is a needy fantasyland; I wouldn't continue to waste my time. Oh, yeah-- I grew up in the South, too- for us it was a No-Man's-Land then, and although I haven't lived there for 40 years, I'm betting it is still.

Coop said...

you'll find someone Joe. :-) I'm reading this post several days after you wrote it and, to my eyes, you're just venting.
The comment about women holding their men accountable is probably 100% accurate.