Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

De Profundis

De Profundis

By Dorothy Parker

 

Oh, is it, then, Utopian

To hope that I may meet a man

Who’ll not relate, in accents suave,

The tales of girls he used to have?


 

The poem today is short and sweet. (I don’t know that Dorothy Parker was ever “sweet” in her prose. It’s just an expression.). Dorothy Parker always goes straight to the point, and usually in a humorous way. A founding member of the Algonquin Round Table, Dorothy Parker’s work was known for its scathing wit and intellectual commentary. She may have used humor, but there is often a lot of truth in what she says. In this poem, she basically is saying: In a perfect world, I would meet a man who won’t tell me about his past lovers. We probably have all known people who constantly compare people to others in their past. We may have even had a boyfriend who constantly told us about his ex-lovers. While it’s good to know about someone’s past, we don’t need to hear them compare us to those whom they have known in the past.


De Profundis is Latin: “from the depths.” De profundis often refers to Psalm 130, traditionally known as the De Profundis (“Out of the depths”), from its opening words in Latin. There are several works in literature titled “De Profundis,” several of which include more serious poetry. These include:

 

  • De Profundis (letter), an 1897 work written by Oscar Wilde during his imprisonment, in the form of a letter to Lord Alfred Douglas
  • “De Profundis,” a poem by Federico GarcΓ­a Lorca, set to music in the first movement of Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 14
  • "De Profundis," a 1998 poem by Regina Derieva
  • “De Profundis,” a poem by J. Slauerhoff in the 1928 collection Eldorado
  • “De Profundis,” a short story by Arthur Conan Doyle written in 1892
  • “AMERICA ’62: De Profundis,” a 2007 prose piece by Panos Ioannides
  • Suspiria de Profundis, a collection of essays by Thomas De Quincey


Appropriately, the watermark at the bottom of the photo above reads, “GAYS WITH STORIES.”

Friday, August 26, 2022

She Would if She Could



As a friend of mine says about Isabella, “She’s so sassy!”

Friday, July 15, 2022

Funny Friday

I tried and tried to come up with something to write today, but I think I had put it all into yesterday’s post. So, I thought I’d share a few memes that I find funny. 


I had to add in a few sci-fi memes. Not everyone will get these, but they made me laugh.


This last one is from one of my favorite scenes from Deep Space Nine. The original dialogue went like this:

Bashir: Of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren't?"

Garak: My dear Doctor, they're all true.

Bashir: Even the lies?

Garak: Especially the lies.

Thursday, January 27, 2022

The Cat and Creation


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.

* * * * *

If the guy above looks familiar to you, then you might be a fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race (RPDR). Bryce Eilenberg is a member of the Pit Crew, a group of male models who appear in various segments of RPDR. Bryce is a sexy redhead who loves cats, and he’s a straight ally (not gay as I originally posted). What’s not to like?

Friday, August 21, 2020

WTF

Sometimes you see things and you just have to say, “What the fuck?” That was my response when I saw an email for Fleshjack, which included a picture of their new product the FleshSack. I think most of us get those emails for "toys," especially if you've ever bought a toy online. I actually don't mind those emails, but sometimes I do just delete them. Other times, I'm just shocked at what they've come up with new. That's how it was with this new FleshSack. 


A Fleshjack is the gay version of the Fleshlight. If you don’t know, it is a masturbation toy (sleeve) that acts as an artificial orifice “lined with stimulating textures to grip, massage, and tantalize your penis.” Fleshjack has teamed up with various porn stars, the so-called Fleshjack Boys, to create molds of their penises for dildos and special textures inside the sleeves depending on which Fleshjack Boy you choose. You can experience adult film stars such as Brent Corrigan, Johnny Rapid, Jake Bass, Levi Carter, Pierre Fitch, Boomer Banks, and others. There are about two dozen choices.

 

Their new product the FleshSack is a masturbation sleeve with balls attached. They describe their products as:

 

Slide into this back door option and you'll find that it has something extra to offer. Hanging proudly are a pair of soft, yet firm testicles to feed your fantasies. Made from the same material Fleshlight is famous for, these balls will rock in motion as you thrust in and out with every stroke. Like any anal adventure, make sure you use plenty of lube to help you glide through FleshSack's gripping inner texture.

 

Realistic dildoes have long had testicles attached to them. A company called Fort Troff even offers dildoes with hair, which also looks odd. It’s amazing some of the sex toys they have out there. Some look pretty innocuous. I remember my dad had one of those hard-plastic vibrators in his underwear drawer. If you’re my age or older, you probably saw advertisements in magazines for these “body vibrators.” 


 

These days, sex toys are getting more and more inventive and some just look strange. Fleshjack has even made “vampire” versions. I even saw Game of Throne themed dildoes once. Who wants to fuck themselves with a White Walker dick? What about a zombie dick? What people come up with is amazing. Toys range from simulating you wildest fantasy to attempts at being as realistic as possible. I am not judging, to each his own. I guess as long as you’re safe, who cares how you get off. I say have fun, but I did have to laugh at the FleshSack. It just looks so odd and amusing to me.

 

Friday, May 15, 2020

Funny Fortune


Last night I watched Fortune Feimster’s Netflix comedy special Salty and Sweet. I laughed so hard; I was nearly crying. Have any of you seen it? Fortune is a lesbian comedian from North Carolina. She came out surprisingly a little later than I did. She was 25; I was 23. However, like me, she did not realize she was gay for most of her formative years. Living in the South, we didn’t have positive LGBTQA role models. However, unlike my situation, her family has been very accepting, and she is currently engaged to a kindergarten teacher.  

She was in shows like Last Comic Standing and Glee. She’s been a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race and will be staring in The L Word: Generation Q. She was also in the 2019 Tales of the City. I most remember her from a short-lived sitcom called Champions. I’ve watched her on TV a few times, and I think I saw every episode of Champions which was about a flamboyant gay kid who gets dropped off to his father (who never knew before that moment he even existed) by his mother so he can attend an arts school in the city where his father lives. It as a cute show, and Fortune played a coworker of the kids very straight dad. I’ve also seen clips of her comedy shows, and she never fails to make me laugh watching her stand-up acts. Salty and Sweet was no exception. I hope I didn’t disturb my downstairs neighbor laughing so much. I really recommend anyone who wants a good laugh to watch it, especially if you’re gay and from the South.

Friday, May 8, 2020

Leslie Jordan



“Well shit...what are y'all doin'?" 

Leslie Jordan has risen to Instagram fame with that phrase. He has gone viral on Instagram during the quarantine doing little videos of stories from his life. I have always been a fan of Leslie, and nearly every night before bed, I check out what videos he posted that day. He's just a really talented and funny man. 

Last night I watched My Trip Down the Pink Carpet. It was just what I expected. It was funny, sweet, and emotional. Some of the stories from his one man show he has repeated during his Instagram posts, but they are still funny. I realize that he might not be everyone's taste in humor, but he just makes me laugh. 

While I am no Hollywood star and I'm nowhere near as funny, there's a lot that I identify with in Leslie. He grew up in East Tennessee, and I grew up in South Alabama. He was raised Southern Baptist; I was raised in the Church of Christ. We've both had our share of struggles accepting ourselves for who we are. This could describe thousands of gay men and women across the South, especially of my generation and the generation before. Even today, kids are scared to death to come out because our parents barber always accepting. Leslie has said that while his mother accepts him, she's never understood him. 

Leslie hasn't lived a perfect life. He struggled for over thirty years with drugs and alcohol, but he's been sober since 1997. However, I admire him so much. During the height of the AIDS crisis he volunteered for Project Angel Food. These days he works with The Trevor Project to help prevent LGBTQ suicides. 

I hope you'll check him out. He really does make me laugh.


Friday, April 10, 2020

Laughter in an Age of Pandemics


 

This is an article by Michael A. Genovese, a Director for the Institute for Leadership Studies in the Loyola Marymount University (Los Angeles, CA) that I wanted to share with you.

 

In the 1941 movie classic Sullivan’s Travels, successful movie director John L. Sullivan, played by Joel McCrea, laments the fact that in the midst of the misery caused by the Depression and War, he is making frivolous films such as Ants In Your Pants, 1939. Sullivan rebels.  He decides to pose as an average citizen and go out among the people to see what they are like, what they want, and how he can be of service to humanity. After a series of troubles along the way, Sullivan happens upon the sound of laughter. He searches for the source and finds a group of down and out men hysterically laughing at a silly cartoon. Eureka! Sullivan realizes the error of his ways. The people don’t want serious, ponderous social criticism, they want to laugh, escape, lose themselves for just a few moments, forget about the troubles they face and have a good time. The movie’s point is driven home by Sullivan in the final lines of the film: “There’s a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that’s all some people have? It isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.”

 

During World War II, the commissioner of baseball, Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis, sent President Franklin D. Roosevelt a letter offering to cancel the baseball season if the President so wished. Roosevelt, in a January 15, 1942 letter, told the commissioner that baseball must go on. The people needed it in the midst of the troubles of the war. Baseball brought joy to millions of anxious Americans. The game had to go on.

 

When things go from bad to worse, we have essentially two choices: let it defeat us or rage against the madness and laugh. Laughter is good medicine for virtually anything that ails us.  And in this age of pandemics, where social distancing removes the tactile from our daily lives, and forces us to hibernate in isolation, we social animals hunger for the embrace of others. Stripped of the direct contact with others, we search to fill the void. Laughter helps. True, things aren’t very funny just now, but life remains ironic, silly, discombobulated, and downright hysterical – if you wish to see things that way. And if you do, it will help see you through this insanity. In a world where the Trump Covfefe Panic Index has exploded off the charts, we all need distractions from the misery that surrounds us. And speaking of distractions, I find myself suffering from Kardashian Withdrawal Syndrome. My social grounding has been torn out from under me. 

 

As our politicians inadvertently spread fear and anxiety, we search for security and hope. There was a time when FDR could remind us that the only thing, we had to fear was fear itself. But today, watching Donald Trump bumble and fumble his way through a press briefing on the coronavirus, we are left dumbfounded and with a feeling of “Oh Dear Lord, all is lost if this guy is in charge.” Yes, we get the occasional chuckle, as when Dr. Fauci stands behind as the daily press briefing while the President is speaking, shakes his head, looks down at this feet and invites us to imagine the thought bubble over his head that reads “What the [bleep] is wrong with this moron?” But that is little consolation. Trump, who is wrapped tighter than an airport sandwich, actually inspires fear and anxiety every time he opens his mouth. His credibility has disappeared faster than cupcakes at a pot party, and as each member of Team Trump – crammed together in a very non-socially distanced way – goes up to the microphone, bows and makes the ritual “You are doing a wonderful job, Dear Leader” before delivering the bad news about a pandemic out of control, we cringe and think, “Life under Trump is like running through hell wearing a gasoline bathing suit.” Trump’s disappointing response to the coronavirus has been as welcome as an ingrown toenail. Our president who used to say “I alone can fix it” has been revealed as a fraud. He does however have the Midas Touch… everything he touches turns to mufflers. 

 

This president may be a joke, but it is no laughing matter. In this, Marx was right. Of course, I refer to Groucho Marx, who said that the problem with political jokes is that they keep getting elected. Can President Trump lead us out of this crisis? That’s about as likely as Mike Pence marrying Cardi B. And while the President says that he is doing a tremendous job (and that is why I do not let my students grade their own exams), and that he would give himself an “A” grade for his handling of the crisis, in reality the case for Trump handling this crisis well has fallen apart faster than a third-grade science project. 

 

If President Trump cannot provide decisive leadership in this crisis, at least we can laugh, and at this time, laughing at and not with President Trump is a tiny bit comforting. Our hope is that governors and mayors can lead us through the crisis. President Trump is AWOL on this, and perhaps we are all the better for that (OK, we aren’t better off for that, but if he can’t lead the least he can do is get out of the way). 

 

We are all struggling, and we all need the distractions that only absurdity can provide. If we take President Trump seriously, we are lost. And so our only option is to turn away from our president and turn to each other for comfort, solace, and hope.  Social distancing makes that a bit harder, but we are a strong, resilient people. We have been through worse than this. So, laugh now and then; see the silly, the absurd and the comic in life. And remember, always remember, we are all in this together and we can get through this together. Reach out to your friends, your neighbors (at a safe distance, of course) and spread hope. It is better than despair.

 

Thursday, May 25, 2017

The Legend of the House of LeMay



From humble beginnings at the Hot Damn Trailer Park in Beaver Pond, Vermont, Amber & Margaurite, the Sisters LeMay, have been entertaining for over ten years with silly songs, witty banter and outrageous costumes.

Over the years, a few extra trailers have moved into the park. Not far from the sisters’ double wide you can find the home of Lucy Belle LeMay, their “pretty” southern cousin. Lucy Belle holds the title of Miss Beaver Pond, and has won Best Drag Queen and Biggest Hair at Provincetown’s Carnival Week Drag Bingo. And not to be outdone, Margaurite has won Most Outrageous Drag Queen.

Down the road a piece from the LeMay’s trailer rests the Edna St. Vincent LeMay Memorial Laundromat, Community Center and Lint Museum. The laundromat is often the center of the goings on in Beaver Pond, and is well worth the visit. You’ve never had cleaner underwear!

Amber hosted Drag Queen Bingo, but Lucy Belle was there as well. Lucy Belle was so kind to her fellow southerner. She gave me a copy of their video, Slingbacks and Syrup, which tells the story of the Sisters LeMay.


 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Business Email Glossary



thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"

thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem

i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it

i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i'm not mad at you

thanks!!: please don't be mad at me

thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

Friday, October 7, 2016

Pick Up Lines


I was playing on tumblr last night and came across a pretty funny pick up line:

Do you have pet insurance? (When they answer no) Too bad because your pussy is getting smashed tonight.

Here's another one: you pick up a sugar packet and hand it to a guy and say, "You lost your name tag."

One more: Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet ass.

So do you know any funny pick up lines? Have you ever used a pick up line and what was it? Have you had someone use a pick up line on you? Are pick up lines ever successful?

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Ever Wonder What a Cat Thinks?


I rarely do extra posts in a day, but this is an exception. One of my cats (Edith) has gotten to where she likes to sleep on the shelf in the bathroom with the towels. It always wakes her up when I go in there to pee, and she always looks at me strangely. I saw this the other day on Yummy of the Day Blog, and as she looked at me, I thought of this picture. The thing is, Edith is a bobtail, and she always seemed jealous of the other cats' tails, so I'm think she's jealous of my "tail," you know, the one that's on backwards. Let's just hope she never decides to attack my "tail" like she does the other cats. So I often wonder what goes through a cat's mind. Edith usually lets you know, because she is the most vocal of my cats and when she wants something she is very persistent and always gets what she wants.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Bathing the Cats


How to Bathe a Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe her while you carry her toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as her paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where she will dry herself.

Obviously, this is not how I gave my cats a bath, but the cats’ reactions were about the same. I wouldn't normally try to bathe a cat, but we seem to have a flea problem. The medicine you put on their back didn't work. The flea spray didn't work. So we tried a bath, mainly because the flea spray made Edith a little sick. I hope the baths work.
However, Edith has not been herself lately. Edith is usually rambunctious and loving, but all night last night and all day today, she has found various places to hide away. Very unusual behavior for her, but she's been acting strange lately anyway. She will not use her litter box. This has been going on for two weeks, but prior to that, I've had not problems from her. Even though the litter boxes are cleaned out daily and there is a litter box for each cat, she pooped in a chair (three different times) and now she has begun peeing on furniture as well. I am about at my wits end. I've looked up everything I can on the Internet, but nothing I've tried seems to work. There is one part of the house where there is no soft furniture (it's also where the litter boxes are), and I've had to keep her in there unless I'm watching her every move. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I know some of you are cat lovers like I am, and something has to be done. I can't let her defecate wherever she feels like. I'm going to call the vet today and see if he can give me any advice. Lucy is doing just fine; she's prancing around like she's an angel, which for the most part both of them are. I've never had cats as stubborn as these are. HRH could be stubborn, but at least she minded me. I love my girls, but oh how I miss HRH.
Ok, I'll get maudlin if I keep talking about HRH. Here are some funny cat quotes:
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction, and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker
I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He just sat there and enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, but other than that... -- Steve Martin
One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it's affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. -- Helen Thomson
Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. -- Lillian Johnson
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
P.S. The job search continues. I'm doing my best to get out several applications a day. I signed up yesterday to volunteer at a local museum to gain some museum experience. One of the things that they will do is to train me in preservation of artifacts. Volunteering is a lot cheaper than a master's in museum studies, and I really think it will be fun. I’ve also had a high school in Utah that seems pretty interested in my rΓ©sumΓ©. It will have to be a pretty good salary and benefits for me to move to a small town where the closest city is two hours away.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

My Life in a Cartoon Strip


At least that sums up my life in academia right now.  However, I do ask that you guys pray for me (or send good vibes my way), because I've applied to several jobs teaching college for next fall in Iowa, Virginia, and South Carolina.  Hopefully, I'll get a few more submitted.  So far I haven't heard from any of the jobs I've applied for this year, but I'm still hoping.  I'm not sure my sanity (what very little is left of it) can survive another year of teaching high school.
By the way, just for some eye candy, if you have not seen this hot math professor from England, then it's time that you did.  He happens to be a model, as well as holds a PhD in mechanical engineering.  Here's one of his modeling pictures.