The Masks We Wear

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Nothing...

They used to say that the show "Seinfeld" was a show about nothing, and I think this post is too.  I racked my brain to come up with a topic.  I tried and tried and tried, and nothing came to me.  So I decided to just write a post of randomness and nothingness.  I know there is something that I could write about, but it just don't know what it is.  Sometimes you just have writers block.  Often the best thing for that is a stream of consciousness, where you just write whatever comes in your head.

The other night I was thinking about how for gay men like me, who are 35 years old  or older, seem so old to so many.  And I will be 36 a month from today.  I got to thinking about this as I was reading tweets of people I follow on Twitter.  I had set up a Twitter account (@closetprofessor) a few months ago.  In the past week or so, I've gotten some direct messages (DMs) from several younger guys.  All of them were between 20 and 23.  Each of them were nice and very flirty, then the question comes, "How old are you?"  I answer honestly.  I really detest lying, and I hate that I often have to do so to keep in the closet.  I just don't see the use in lying to someone who is a Twitter follower.  So I tell them I'm 35.  I had one tell me that age didn't matter, and for the most part I believe him, and we continue to chat off and on.  Another one said, "I like older guys, but 35 is at the top of my range."

For me this is one of the problems with many guys in the gay community. Now, I wasn't expecting or really even hoping for a romantic relationship with any of these guys.  However, it never hurts to flirt a little.  A lot of young gay guys are wrapped up in pop culture and it's hard to relate, but find a gay guy who likes to talk football or even have an intellectual conversation with is not something you find everyday.  Then you find someone like hat, and I honestly don't care about their age.  Age is just a number to me.  It doesn't matter how young or old you are, especially when I enjoy talking to you.

If you get passed an age difference, then you have to contend with those guys who want the perfect looking and acting gay guy.  There's a whole subset of southern gay guys who are looking for the "bromo" type.  Urban Dictionary defines a bromo as: 

Dudes that happen to be gay, but aren't flamboyant at all. Prefer to go drink beer at a buddy's place, rather than go to the gay bar and pay for overpriced cocktails and listen to bouncy, campy club songs.  A bromo is not conceited in his looks, but is still put together decently, groomed but not over plucked.

Basically, the bromo type is the bow tie wearing southern gay frat dude, at least that's what you get if you look at "bromos" on Twitter.  Bromos might not be conceited about their looks, but they have "their" standards.

So, you get past the age and looks, then it goes to race.  As a southerner, interracial dating is something I've always been told was taboo.  Honestly though, does it matter the color of a person's skin?  Not to me it doesn't.  The diversity of the gay community is represented in the rainbow flag.  We are a diverse group, and we should embrace that diversity.  We often claim that if two people love each other, then the sex of the people should not matter.  How can we justify that logic when we say that a persons age, looks, or race makes the difference?  

The main thing for me is not the age, race, or looks, but what kind of person he is.  Is he kind, thoughtful, and loving?  Can he carry on a conversation?  Is he intimidated by intelligence (I prefer they not be)?  Does he enjoy the same things I enjoy?  Does he like to cuddle?   Is he a good kisser?  There are so many things to consider that age, race, and looks take a backseat.

All of this however is a hypothetical stream of consciousness.  I've never found a boyfriend, nor is there anyone in my sights.   It's quite possible, that I will never find someone. Then again, I might meet someone tomorrow.  We never know.

I thought about deleting the first paragraph about nothingness, but then again you may read this and still think it is about nothing.  If that be the case, so be it.  I just sat down and started writing and this is the post that came out. And sense I have no answers to my thoughts o. These issues, then maybe it is a post about nothing.

Follow Your Arrow

"Follow Your Arrow"

Kacey Musgraves

If you save yourself for marriage

You're a bore

If you don't save yourself for marriage

You're a horr...ible person

If you won't have a drink

Then you're a prude

But they'll call you a drunk

As soon as you down the first one

If you can't lose the weight

Then you're just fat

But if you lose too much

Then you're on crack

You're damned if you do

And you're damned if you don't

So you might as well just do

Whatever you want

So

Make lots of noise

Kiss lots of boys

Or kiss lots of girls

If that's something you're into

When the straight and narrow

Gets a little too straight

Roll up a joint, or don't

Just follow your arrow

Wherever it points, yeah

Follow your arrow

Wherever it points

If you don't go to church

You'll go to hell

If you're the first one

On the front row

You're self-righteous

Son of a-

Can't win for losing

You'll just disappoint 'em

Just 'cause you can't beat 'em

Don't mean you should join 'em

So make lots of noise

Kiss lots of boys

Or kiss lots of girls

If that's something you're into

When the straight and narrow

Gets a little too straight

Roll up a joint, or don't

Just follow your arrow

Wherever it points, yeah

Follow your arrow

Wherever it points

Say what you think

Love who you love

'Cause you just get

So many trips 'round the sun

Yeah, you only

Only live once

So make lots of noise

Kiss lots of boys

Or kiss lots of girls

If that's what you're into

When the straight and narrow

Gets a little too straight

Roll up a joint, I would

And follow your arrow

Wherever it points, yeah

Follow your arrow

Wherever it points

Sometimes a song really resonates with me and as I thing music should be it is also beautiful poetry. I came across this song as a free download from my Starbucks app.  One listen, and I was hooked.  After listening to "Follow Your Arrow" from Musgraves' Same Trailer Different Park! the Nashville-based singer-songwriter's first album for Mercury Records, it's clear that this is a girl who has something to say. A true language artist, Kacey nimbly spins webs of words to create the quirky puns, shrewd metaphors, and steely ironies that fill the record.

On "Follow Your Arrow," she points out the hypocrisies that society imposes on even the most conservative among us (If you save yourself for marriage you're a bore/If you don't save yourself for marriage you're a horr...ible person) which she balances with a chorus that preaches throwing caution and propriety to the wind: (Make lots of noise/Kiss lots of boys/Or kiss lots of girls if that's something your into/When the straight and narrow gets a little too straight/Roll up a joint/Or don't/Follow your arrow wherever it points.) Her message is clear: Be yourself and be happy.

Musgraves' first two singles, “Merry Go ‘Round” and “Blowin’ Smoke,” struck a chord with country fans because of Musgraves’ outspoken lyrics. Her third single, “Follow Your Arrow,” was released to radio this week and turns the real talk up to ten. In it she discusses a few controversial topics, including one mainstream country rarely — if ever — tackles: homosexuality. “Kiss lots of boys/Or kiss lots of girls if that’s something you’re into,” she sings.

“Well I hope it gets attention because I think it’s definitely time for those issues to be accepted in country music — I mean it’s 2013,” she said. “Regardless of your political beliefs, everybody should be able to love who they want to love and live how they want to live. We’re all driven by the same emotions; we all want to be loved and want to feel the same things. So, hopefully people will put aside their personal, political agenda and just agree with that fact.”

Here's the song if your interested in listening:

Kacey Musgraves - 'Follow Your Arrow' from The Listener Label on Vimeo.

Kilted

After a whirlwind week at school, I took off to visit a friend of mine in Louisiana for a Halloween party.  It's a long drive just for the weekend and a party, but I've been promising that I would go for several years now and circumstances always prevented it.  I used to host this particular Halloween party before I moved from Mississippi, so I almost feel obligated to go.  It's not like it's the only time I get to see her.  I went down for her wedding last January, and I will be joining her and some of her family and friends for a cruise this January.

Anyway, my costume this year was my kilt.  Of course, I wore it the right way, with nothing on underneath (it was not as elaborate an outfit as the one above, but really just a cheap costume).  It's always fun to wear this particular costume.  There were some great costumes at the party, including a young lady in bra and panties with a sledge hammer dressed as Miley Cyrus.  It was a really fun party, though I probably drank a bit too much witches brew.

Anyway, I hope that things will settle down some this week, and I can answer some emails from readers of this blog.  I've been neglecting answering emails, and now it is time that I catch up. So, if you've emailed me in the last week or so, I will, hopefully, get back to you in the next 24-48 hours.

God's Infinite Love

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

Matthew 7:15-20

The president of Americans For Truth About Homosexuality made some shocking claims this week about practicing Christians who have decided to embrace lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) individuals: you're doing the work of the devil.

Appearing on "Crosstalk" for a show titled "Same-Sex Marriage Tsunami," Peter LaBarbera informed host Vic Eliason that Christians embracing LGBT-identifying individuals are engaged in an "insidious lie... straight from Satan's talking points."

These kind of statements are precisely what is wrong with Christianity in America.  Peter LaBarbera and others like him bear bad fruit.  They are drawing Christians away from the love of Christ and only teaching about hate.  It is sad and frustrating that they have so little regard for God.  The truth is that God is love, and the devil is hate.  Therefore, if you preach hate then you preach for the devil.

Mr. LaBarbera has it wrong, it is not the accepting Christians who are "doing the work of the devil," it is the men who preach hate who are "doing the work of the devil."  They are the false prophets and are the devils tools who use their pulpits to spread hate.  How can someone who is a Christian claim that God hates?  God is all that is good and positive.  God may be disappointed in us when we go against his will and do not ask for forgiveness, but he never hates us.  God loves each and every one of us for who we are.

Moment of Zen: Masturbation

With the posts this week, I think it's only fitting that my "Moment of Zen" this week be dedicated to masturbation.

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

The title of this post is one of the best euphemisms for masturbation that I have ever seen.  I knew this would have to be a quickie because I left my computer at school by accident, so I'm typing this post on my iPhone.  By the way, iPhones are great for porn, LOL.  You can lay in bed, watch a video while holding the iPhone in one hand, and using the other to "argue with Henry Longfellow."  I hope that all of my readers have enjoyed my week-long series of posts about masturbation.

So considering the title of this post:  What is your favorite euphemism for masturbation?

The Pros and the Cons of Porn

I’ll admit I’ve indulged in porn (magazines/videos/Internet) ever since I reached puberty and discovered where Dad hid his stash.  I’d sneak a look at my father’s magazines and VCR tapes (which sadly enough, were all straight porn). Then again, what would you really expect from your Dad? It was watching that first porn that I discovered how to masturbate, and when I came, it freaked me out.  I had not idea what had happened, but I knew I liked it.  I remember my penis seeming to be puffy afterwards.  Do you remember your first experience masturbating?

This post is not about my first time masturbating, but about the pros and cons of pornography.  I began to think more about this as I have written this week's posts, but especially because of Adon's comment on my Sunday post:

I hear a lot from many sources of what a "problem" porn is. Is it a problem? Personally I see no harm in it except the guilt and shame that many people of faith connect to it.

So I decide to write about my experience with porn and a bit about its pros and cons.  I’d check out the guys in magazines and videos and imagine what it’d be like for me to be with these guys.  More importantly, what it would be like to snuggle up next to them at the end of the day, to fall gently off to sleep with my arms wrapped around one or resting safely and peacefully in the guy’s own arms.  I've always wanted a strong man to wrap me up in his arms and make me the comfort that comes with that.  Such was my “release from my real life”; one that just didn’t fit in with the dreams and hopes I had for myself. It was the only thing I felt I could do to create some version of the future I wanted; it wasn’t real but it was at least more in line with what I was feeling as a post-pubescent teenager and later on, as a young man, even though I did not yet understand that I was gay.

I grew up in a small rural town.  I didn't know any gay people, and nothing was ever said nicely about the ones they mentioned.  It was a scary feeling.  I remember looking at International Male and Undergear catalogs, not to mention the underwear section of the Sears Wishbook, my true wish had nothing to do with all of the other goodies in the catalog.  When my mother questioned me, three or four times between ages 18 and 22, I denied that I was gay.  Finally, when I was about 23, she confronted me about it again, and I admitted to her that I was gay.  The aftermath was not pretty, but again, I'm off subject.

With regards to porn, I began my journey along that road somewhere along about 12-to-14 years of age. It was likely to have been when my testosterone kicked in and I began masturbating every chance I got. I couldn't steal my dad's porn, but I do remember having the movie "Bachelor Party" on VHS and really enjoying the scenes when the women went to see the male strippers.

But, what effect did watching porn have on me, as a teen and as an adult? For instance, I sometimes wonder if there’s an upside to looking at or watching porn and likewise, I wonder if there’s a downside (a real danger to indulging in the practice). For me it was a question of getting caught and feeling guilt of a religious nature.  It isn’t about going to Heaven or Hell, yet more of was certain bad things that were happening in my life were because I indulged in porn.  Was God punishing me?  Through a lot of prayer and meditation, the same technique I used to come to terms with my homosexuality, I came to the decision to believe what my preacher had always preached: God does not punish us for sins in this life, but in the next.  Read my post from Sunday to understand my full stance on the issue of the porn and sin.

I can say that when I first began looking at porn it was all about escaping the “traditional” reality that was expected of me in the face of the very “non-traditional” existence I believed/believe I was meant to live.  Though I also understood that porn was a fantasy.  Men that good-looking and well-endowed rarely existed in the real world.  The real question, I suppose is just how much are someone chooses to FOCUS on pornography? Are those fantasies (while indulging in porn) preventing you from keeping your feet firmly planted in the real world? Are you spending so much time “living a fantasy life, through porn” that your own REAL life is passing by, unnoticed and unappreciated?

So I turned to porn when I became horny, or sometimes stressed, and I would watch a video or look at pictures, masturbate and then I felt better.  However, it never ruled my life.  I never allowed it to do so.

Most of us know that porn is a cheap imitation of the real thing.  Real sex can be wonderful, and is most of the time, though sex is not always good.  Sometimes we need the fantasy of porn, where the sex always looks perfect.  The reality of porn is that the actors work very hard (no pun intended) and have long days.  Porn actors constantly discuss in interviews that it is never as easy as it looks.  However, some do porn because they want to give others pleasure; most do porn for the money.  We usually don't know what particularly the need the money for: college, a car, debts, drugs, etc.  I tend to dislike the studios who are known to prey on drug addicts.  When there is a vinous drug abuse, it's a major turn off to me.

So what effect does watching porn have on your life?

Porn is a controversial subject. Some people feel that pornography damages society or is unhealthy, others believe it may actually be beneficial. Many studies have been done on the effects of porn, for example, whether it causes increased violence against women (it doesn’t) or leads to unrealistic expectations (it can in certain people). This is a discussion about the ways porn is good or bad, and the situations in which it can be beneficial or harmful.

The easy access afforded by the massive boom in online porn led many of us to our first experiences with it at a young and curious age. It showed us what a naked body looks like up close and what sex actually is. It introduced us to a world of sex acts, kinks, and fetishes, some of it beyond our imaginations. As we moved beyond curiosity, it provided us a tool to help with arousal and masturbation. Visual stimulation can be very sexually arousing of itself, and it saves you from having to do the fantasizing on your own.

For the majority of people, there is nothing wrong with porn. With experience, most of us learn that sex isn’t always or even usually like it’s portrayed in porn. Every naked body looks different, we don’t all react and respond in the same ways, we choose which sexual acts we enjoy taking part in, and we learn that each interaction and partner differs from the last.

It is important to realize that porn is not reality. It uses actors and it follows a script. Yes, some porn is more realistic than others, and amateur porn or videos shot by good quality production companies can seem very realistic, but most pornography depicts something very different from the sex you would have with a partner. If most of your exposure to sexuality has been from from the scenes you’ve seen in porn, it may be a letdown when you finally get a chance to have sex with someone if you’ve let that shape your expectations.

For this reason, experts in the field are stressing how important it is for parents to talk to their kids about porn, especially if they know their child is watching it. There is a drive for it to be part of high school sex-education curriculum, but anti-porn activists are fighting to prevent this from being discussed in classrooms.  As long as we understand the realities of porn, I don't see a problem with it as long as it has it's proper place in our sexual explorations.

Some people, especially those with a history of problems with addiction, can become addicted to porn. If your porn watching negatively affects your life, you may have a problem. If you cancel or miss plans with others, fall behind in work because of porn, or anything else like that, it’s a problem. If your porn habit prevents you from being sexually intimate with your partner, that’s a problem too.

Masturbation, with or without porn, is a normal and healthy activity even when you’re in a relationship, but if you’d rather watch porn than be sexual with a partner, you should evaluate the situation. Have you lost your attraction for your partner, or do you have a pornography addiction problem?

If the porn you watch makes you uncomfortable (due to its subject matter) or if it’s leading you to act differently with your partner(s), it may be a good idea to switch up the porn you’re watching or even take a short break from porn altogether.

Porn should be a positive and healthy experience that provides an escape from reality, gets you aroused and ready for sexual stimulation, and can give you ideas to incorporate into your personal sex life. If you remember that it isn’t reality and that your partner still likes you, there should be no negative effects of watching porn.

P.S. THE GUY IN THE PHOTO LOOKS AMAZINGLY LIKE THE GUY I HAD A CRUSH ON IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO WAS MY MOST OFTEN MASTURBATORY FANTASY IN MY TEEN YEARS.

Punishments For Masturbation Throughout History

Device used to prevent masturbation

The practice of punishing the perpetrator of the act of masturbation is one that can be traced in documented form to the time of the Roman Empire.

The matriarchal society that was a feature of Roman life, tended to view male masturbation as an unwelcome, undesirable act, directly affecting procreation, so important to the future of the Empire.

During the first century AD, Christianity defined the act as a 'Mortal Sin' and the spread of Christianity brought with it the firm belief that self-abuse should be strongly discouraged in a Christian household. Even today the Catholic Church still categorises self-abuse as a 'venal and mortal sin'.

Archbishop Borders of Baltimore, in his 1987 pastoral, 'On Human Sexuality', writes 'Authentic human sexuality should open one to another in a deep and abiding relationship. It is neither unitive (sic.) nor procreative, and is merely sexual actuation with very little true sexual meaning'.

In 1992 Father Mateo wrote on the Internet: 'In itself, masturbation is a mortal sin because it negates the whole purpose of our most sacred powers, the power to fashion family and procreate human life.'

That then is the view of God and the punishments distributed by Priests throughout history have been many and varied. In Ireland boys were regularly caned and whipped in addition to more normal religious impositions. Irish parents thrashed their male offspring when evidence of self-abuse was discovered, and the same scenario is echoed through many other countries of the Catholic world. What emerges from this investigation is the surprising fact that punishments for masturbation have changed very little over the years and, moreover, that it has been predominantly the female in the household who has been more tasked to seek out and deal with the male self-abuser.

Punishment for self-abuse was at its height during the Victorian era and much of it was delivered by the Nanny, Governess or indeed by other female members of the household staff. In most cases the females were spinsters of mature age and the possibility of their being somewhat disenchanted or even unaware of sexual pleasures, only serves to explain their particular preference in dealing with young male abusers in their charge, by means of potions, restraints and canes. In public schools of the time masturbation was not condoned and discovery of an offender would earn him a severe thrashing as described by an author of the time, Edward Whittaker in his 'Memoirs of an Eton Housemaster'; "Use of the cane and birch was widespread and the cane was administered by both Staff and Prefects. Offences were the usual acts of high-spirited boys, which led to class or dormitory disruption, lack of hygiene, failure to meet academic standards and general disobedience. These would be promptly and properly punished with a number of strokes from the cane on the tight trousers of the bending boy. The birch was reserved for more serious offences such as stealing or self-abuse, and was administered on the bare backside of the unfortunate pupil, as he lay firmly secured across the birching block. Only the Headmaster flogged with this implement, which was harsh in the extreme!

The most common punishments for this 'crime' throughout history were physical denial by various means and flagellation. As remarked on before, more often than not, this was administered by a female to a male in the first flush of puberty. I'm not going to dwell on the psychological damage that was often inflicted as a result of this situation, suffice to say there are many females who are grateful for the fact that it did.

References to the punishment of masturbation prior to the 18th century are few and far between. It may be assumed that in the Middle Ages, Jacobean and Elizabethan eras, a more liberal attitude was adopted by a society which regarded such activities as normal, however it is also true that males were far more likely to be experiencing full heterosexual intercourse often from the tender ages of nine years old. There are many accounts of royal marriages being arranged for couples barely in their teens. In addition the Reformation of Tudor times destroyed the Catholic teachings and spread a somewhat barren moral wasteland before the confused and increasingly apathetic population.

The earliest reference to the use of punishment to deter the masturbator can be found in an account of the Roman household by Peter Moorview in his book, 'The Roman Citizen', a factual description of domestic life at the time of the Roman Empire. According to the author, many of the young male slaves had their penis ringed with iron or their urethra pierced to discourage erections and to avoid the possibility of them attempting rape. Other male slaves found they were obliged to carry out 'bedroom duties' (sic) as well as their normal domestic chores within the house:

The frequent absence of the Master of the house, (eg. in the case of military personnel), often led to illicit and furtive sexual activity between slave and Mistress and in order to ensure confidentiality, slaves were subjected to the most horrendous acts of cruelty to ensure their obedience and silence. Well-endowed and virile young slaves were much in demand and were available at public auctions to privileged sections of Roman society. Slaves purchased solely for the purpose of providing sexual gratification for their Mistress often had their genitalia permanently restrained within purpose made metal chastity belts to prevent unauthorised masturbation. Those free to masturbate would face a severe flogging with a rod if discovered and subsequently their genitals would be bound in bandages soaked in a mixture of herbs and peppers, which inflicted excruciating pain on the treated parts. Persistent offenders were generally discarded and punished by castration and removal of their tongues to ensure their secrets would never be disclosed.

Before 1700, medical references to the harmful effects of masturbation were scarce. In the eighteenth century two works, Contra: or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, and all its frightful sequences, (by an anonymous author) and Samuel Tissot's Treatise on the Diseases Produced by Onanism introduced concepts that a certain Sylvester Graham adopted and helped to popularize.

Tissot's claim that loss of semen under any condition caused health hazards spread rapidly throughout the world's medical profession and Graham's Lecture to Young Men (1834) was the first of its kind and launched a whole genre of medical tracts on masturbation, known then as 'self-abuse' or 'self-pollution'. In America, where he lectured, a peculiar flowering of myths involving masturbation took place during the 19th century. The predictable culprits… Victorian prudery, evangelical Christianity, entrepreneurialism are all part of the picture, and Graham, knowing his audience, and with a solid grasp of rhetorical devices made claims that no one could disprove. Or rather, would disprove. According to Graham a masturbator grows up 'with a body full of disease, and with a mind in ruins, the loathsome habit still tyrannising over him, with the inexorable imperiousness of a fiend of darkness.'

Hardly surprising then that fond parents, Nannies, and Governess', the world over, felt justified in meting out the most horrific punishments to save their charges from the devastating medical prognoses, and the hell-fire that lay ahead for the unfortunate self-abuser when he was finally laid to rest! Thus, the scene was set for the next 100 years or so…. 'Punish or He's Damned! …. was to be the cry.

Treatments for self-abuse, both physical and dietary abounded. Dr John Harvey Kellog, (brother of the founder of the Kellog's Corn Flakes Company) suggested: 'A remedy which is almost always effective in small boys is circumcision…. the operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anaesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind…. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement…' the chance of disease and death'.

General medical opinion weighed in with their recipe for healthy minds and bodies. Sexual moderation (no more than 12 times a year for married couples), exercise (to help prevent nocturnal emissions), no masturbation and a proper diet (to facilitate free peristaltic action of the bowels).

Masturbation led to madness and nocturnal emissions probably would as well. Spermatorrhoea was recognised as a disease, causing complete lack of energy and exhaustion. Rapid dissemination of these theories on the dangers of self-abuse among the upper and middle class citizens of Great Britain in particular during the 19th century led to an explosion in the sale of implements of correction, chastity devices, potions and lotions and increased demand for the services of Governess' and Nannies to provide 24 hour observation of their charges and to provide the necessary moral guidance, physical treatment, and punishment that would be needed to educate their children and save them from a fate worse than death.

The Governess or Nanny used a wide variety of what we today would consider torture devices as punishment.  Some people may still consider masturbation to be a sin, but at least boys are not punished in this way in this day and time.  Submissive/masochistic men may allow someone to restrain them from masturbation (a wide variety of male chastity devices exist) or allow themselves to be punished for masturbation, but they have that choice and usually derive pleasure from the experience.  However, young boys in the past must have been terrified of leaving evidence of masturbation or even nocturnal emissions, which they had no control over.

Sent from my iPad

Ode to Masturbation

Ode to Masturbation

By Ocean Vuong

Pearled semen trickles from vessel

as the silence of possibilities dries

on the floor and inside my palm.

Even now, as the body trembles

from the pleasure of its making,

somewhere, a plane

is pregnant with death.

When starlight sparkling 

on the surface of falling bombs

and flames turn muscle

into pompous, skin into ash,

the sound of a scream in mid-death,

straining to push the weight

of last words, can you blame the hand

for craving the softest parts?

Reach down, there is music

in the body, play yourself

like a lyre, insert the finger

into sanctum, feel

the quivering of crevices, skin 

palpitating ripples as if stretched

over drumbeats.

Reach down. Let explosions be muted

by climaxes, the Holy Water

between your thighs flow

into rivulets of cleansing, 

let it rinse the soil of drying blood.

Reach down, there is music

in the cunt, the cock,

the asshole. Grab your balls—

that grenade of white flowers.

Reach down as fathers destroy the sons

and daughters of other fathers,

as faces emerge from wombs

and exiled into memory.

Reach down as a thousand I love you's 

fail to reach the man caressing

the trigger's black tongue.

Because even now, in a city shimmering

from shards of broken halos, 

we are not holy, only beautiful.

Because even now as I kneel to wipe

this cooling pool of sperm,

down the hall—a man

is beating madness into a child's skull,

and not once will I ask

my unborn children

to forgive 

this hand. 

Born in 1988 in Saigon, Vietnam, Ocean Vuong was raised by women (a single mother, aunts, and a grandmother) in housing projects throughout Hartford, Connecticut and received his B.A. in English Literature from Brooklyn College.

He is the author of two chapbooks: No (YesYes Books, 2013) and Burnings (Sibling Rivalry Press, 2010), which was an American Library Association's Over The Rainbow selection and has been taught widely in universities, both in America and abroad. He was the recipient of a 2013 Pushcart Prize, other honors include fellowships from Kundiman, Poets House, and the Saltonstall Foundation For the Arts, as well as an Academy of American Poets Prize and the Connecticut Poetry Society's Al Savard Award. His poems have appeared in Denver Quarterly, Quarterly West, Passages North, Guernica, The Normal School, Beloit Poetry Journal, Crab Orchard Review, Best of the Net 2012 and the American Poetry Review, which awarded him the 2012 Stanley Kunitz Prize. 

From Atum to Kinsey

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Be Your Own Master

Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also. 

Genesis 38:8-10

This is not my usual Sunday post, but I think it is certainly worth discussing.  My post on Friday (Possible TMI...) mentioned that I had spent Thursday night drinking wine, watching porn, and masturbating.  Some people might think that is contrary to my character as a Christian.  As one anonymous commenter wrote:

Joe, As Christian, how do you reconcile masturbation and faith? As Catholic, I get incredibly guilty for wanking. Would like to know what you think and your experience. 

Our bodies are a wonderful thing, and God created it as such to help us in many ways. As a Christian, though not Catholic, I do not believe that masturbation is a sin, though it can turn sinful.  I didn't feel that I could fully discuss this issue in a reply to a comment, so I promised to devote my Sunday post to the issue at hand (pun not intended).

So what does the Bible say?  Many people would point to the story of Onan from Genesis, quoted above.  Onan's name is often used synonymously with masturbation, i.e. onanism. In the scripture, Onan was supposed to dutifully sleep with his late brother's wife to produce an offspring for his brother. However, Onan decided that he did not want to produce an offspring that would not be his, so he ejaculated on the ground.  There is great debate surrounding this scripture as an argument against masturbation, because Onan did not actually masturbate. He did actually have sex with his brother's wife. The act he committed is actually called "coitus interruptus." Yet, Christians who use this scripture refer to the self-pollution of Onan as an argument against the act of masturbation.  Many Christian pastors have tried in vain to find mention of masturbation in Scripture so they can condemn and forbid it. Unable to find any verses on the matter, some have foolishly used the story of Onan in Genesis 38:6-10 as their proof text. To argue against masturbation with Genesis 38:6-10 is as ludicrous as arguing for masturbation with Ecclesiastes 9:10, which says, Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. 

Despite the widespread approval and practice of masturbation, people persist in feeling varying degrees of guilt about it. A 1994 University of Chicago survey used as the basis for the book Sex in America cites that about half of all men and women who masturbate feel at least a little guilty at least some of the time. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior released in 1993 cited that just 13 percent of Protestants think masturbation is a natural part of adult life.

Masturbation is not sinful behavior in of itself nor is it a transgression.  God has created us as emotional, spiritual, intellectual and sexual beings.  He has created these capacities in the context of both relational purpose and self-sufficiency.  Meaning we are social creatures – meant to thrive in relationship with others.  At the same time, we are also individual creatures – and when not able to be in relationship have capacity to meet our own needs for certain periods of time depending on age and developmental stage.

We know we are born and die sexual beings.  The capacity for marital sexuality only occurs through a set period of adult life – if it happens at all.  Therefore, isn't it wonderful that God would create a self-regulatory system where we can count on ourselves to experience the benefits of sexual release when it is not appropriate for us to be in sexual relationship with another person?  Isn't it wonderful that we would have a natural drive to self-explore – getting to know ourselves – as we prepare to share a sexual life with another person?  If approached within this context, masturbation can be used to help our teens and single adults keep the law of chastity in ways that empower themselves regarding knowing and controlling their sexual drives/cycles and owning their sexuality in non-shaming and normative ways.  For single adults who are not married, masturbation provides this release and its healthy ramifications.  It can help with loneliness when single. 

There are health benefits associated with masturbation:

1.  It prevents cancer. A 2003 Australian study found that men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer. Disease-causing toxins build up in your urogenital tract and when you masturbate, you flush these toxins out of your system, says Brame.

2.  It makes your erections stronger. As you age, you naturally lose muscle tone … even down there. Regular sex or masturbation works out your pelvic floor muscles to prevent erectile dysfunction and incontinence.

3.  It increases your immunity. Ejaculation increases levels of the hormone cortisol, according to Jennifer Landa, M.D., a specialist in hormone therapy. Cortisol, which usually gets a bad rap as a havoc-wrecking stress hormone, actually helps regulate and maintain your immunity in the small doses. "Masturbation can product the right environment for a strengthened immune system," she says.

4.  It boosts your mood. Masturbating releases a slew of feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that lift your spirits, boost your satisfaction, and activate the reward circuits in your brain.

I understand that like any normal human tendency, masturbation can become an unhealthy behavior.   This is also true for eating – yet we don't couch our physical desire to nourish ourselves with food as sinful.  I believe it is unhealthy for masturbation to be done in a way which interferes with your daily functioning or quality of relationships.

As a single man, I, like most other men, have urges and sexual needs/wants.  I believe that God works in mysterious ways, thus allowing us sexual release as a solo activity. So let me look,at this issue from a more theological perspective. I will turn to Rachel Held Evan's blog and her guest blogger, Richard Beck, whom she had write about the subject.  Richard Beck is Professor and Department Chair of Psychology at Abilene Christian University. (Abilene Christian University is a private university located in Abilene, Texas, affiliated with Churches of Christ.  Most Church of Christ schools require their faculty to be active members of the Church of Christ.) He is the author of Unclean: Meditations on Purity, Hospitality, and Mortality and The Authenticity of Faith: The Varieties and Illusions of Religious Experience.  Richard is married to Jana and they have two sons, Brenden and Aidan. He blogs at Experimental Theology. 

First, I'd like to bring up the issue of Internet pornography and its relationship to masturbation. With the rise of Internet porn, the consumption of pornography has reached unprecedented levels. And it's difficult, to say the least, to reconcile that consumption and the support it gives to the adult entertainment industry with the Christian commitments of justice and love. To be sure, many will battle with pornography all their lives, like an alcoholic fights daily for sobriety. There must be grace for our failures, but this is a battle that must be fought. 

And beyond issues related to justice, psychologists are only just beginning to grasp the full impact of pornography upon our brains and how those effects are creating sexual and relational dysfunction. For an introduction to the issues psychologists are beginning to examine see Gary Wilson's widely-viewed TED Talk. 

That issue duly noted, let me get to my main points: 

I think it is important to recognize how masturbation functions in the life of those who are single. And even for those who eventually get married, we need to note how marriage has become increasingly delayed in Western cultures. A 2011 Pew Report found that the median age of (first) marriages was 29 for men and 27 for women. In the 1960s the median averages for both genders was in the early 20s, and in ancient cultures we married as teenagers. Given this delay, how are we to manage our sex drive from the onset of puberty to wedding night? To say nothing of the sexual challenges involved in lifelong singleness. 

All that to say, masturbation may be a vital aspect in how single persons cultivate and achieve sexual chastity. That is, masturbation may be a critical part in how a single person achieves emotional and sexual well-being if they hold to an ideal that sexual relations should only take place within a covenanted, life-long, monogamous relationship.

In short, I don't think the physical act of masturbation should be moralized. The real issue in this conversation, the big elephant in the room, is Jesus' prohibition against lust (cf. Matt. 5.27-28). Masturbation per se might not be a sin but what about the attendant lust? Can you masturbate to the point of orgasm without lust being a part of that experience? 

And yet, I think this observation shifts the topic away from masturbation toward a theology of lust. What does it mean to lust? Should transitory erotic feelings be considered lust? Or is lust something more obsessive, persistent, greedy, covetous, acquisitive, and possessive in nature? 

Because if transient erotic feelings are not lust then let me make a somewhat counterintuitive point: masturbation might be a great tool to combat lust. 

Sexual arousal can be come psychically consuming, and debilitating, if not given a quick physiological outlet. We've all experienced this. When sexually aroused, it's hard to concentrate on anything else. Our mind is fixated on the object of arousal. And trying to repress these feelings often exacerbates them. How, then, to get past these feelings and impulses? Physiological release can help here. Masturbate, clear your head, and move on with your day. When masturbation is treated in this almost perfunctory manner, as a physiological catharsis, it can be a very healthy means of quickly ridding yourself of unwanted sexual feelings and distractions.

To be sure, if masturbation isn't being used in this perfunctory manner and is being accompanied by regular and possessive fantasies toward someone who isn't, say, your spouse, then more might need to be said, (along with what I said above about pornography). But again, the issue then is less with masturbation than lust and how that lust might be symptomatic of relational issues that need attention.

Remember, we need to master our behavior, or else sin will master it for us. Even a good thing can become sinful without the right heart. Even if we don't believe that masturbation is a sin, if it is controlling us then it is a sin.

1 Corinthians 6:12 –"All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will nor be dominated by anything.

Even though there are scriptures used as an argument against masturbation, they do not necessarily make masturbation as a sin very clear. Yet, it is important that a person look at the reasons for masturbation to see if the desire behind the act is actually a sin. Some Christians believe that, because masturbation does not hurt others, it is not a sin. However, other Christians ask a person to look deeper within to see if masturbation is building a relationship with God or taking away from it.

I see masturbation as a release.  Yes, lust is involved, which is where the porn comes into play.  Do I believe this separates me from God?  No, I don't believe it does.  I do not sleep around with every man I meet, not that I meet that many.  I also don't have anyone to whom might be a potential partner.  Therefore, I masturbate.  It curves my lust, makes me a little less lonely, and it boosts my mood so that I remain a more positive individual.  I do not find masturbation to be a sin; otherwise, there will be no men in heaven and relatively few if any women.  I'm sure there are some people who've never masturbated, but they are few and far between.

Related Sources:

• Christians & Masturbation: Seven Perspectives – Rachel Held Evans (rachelheldevans.com/blog/christians-masturbation)
• Masturbation And The Bible by Lambert Dolphin (http://www.ldolphin.org/Mast.shtml)
• Bible Verses About Masturbation (http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bible-Verses-About-Masturbation)
• My Official Stance on Masturbation by Natasha Helfer (https://www.patheos.com/blogs/mormontherapist/2012/08/my-official-stance-on-masturbation.html)

Moment of Zen: A Beautiful Smile

Possible TMI...

Home Alone + Bottle of Wine + Porn = A Fun Night

I had the house to myself tonight, since my roommate was away, so I took full advantage to get a bottle of wine (I rarely drink alone, but just wanted some wine), hang out in my underwear (ok, I was actually naked for most of the time), and watch a little bit of porn.  We all masturbate, it's part of life, and I needed a little stress release and decompression.  I had a good, make that a great, night, but it also means that I wasn't in the frame of mind to write a substantial post. As I am writing this I am a bit tipsy.  Usually, I try not to write a post when I am drunk (not that I drink all that often), but what the hell!  I enjoyed myself and wanted to share.  TMI? Probably...

In their own words: Why students, educators support LGBT youth and #SpiritDay

Spirit Day, this October 17^th, is about uniting in solidarity with LGBT youth everywhere by standing against bullying. A few of the students and educators participating this year are making their voices heard, explaining why it's important to support the youngest members of the LGBT community through grassroots initiatives.

GLSEN has found that of the many students who reported not having supportive staff members at their school, more than three-fourths of them feel unsafe in their school. GLSEN further reported that in the past year, 81.9% of LGBT students were verbally harassed because of their sexual orientation and 63.9% were verbally harassed because of their gender expression. GLAAD recently brought you the stories of the tragic results of bullying for teen girls in Florida and Nevada.

High schools, colleges, and graduate schools throughout the country have signed on as Spirit Day partners. A few of them have spoken with GLAAD about their interests in going purple and raising awareness about anti-LGBT bullying.

Jennifer Carruth, a student at Mississippi State University, is a member of her school's Safe Zone Advisory Board and president of the LGBTQ and Ally Service Sorority Delta Omega Lambda. Speaking to the importance of ending anti-LGBT bullying, she told GLAAD, "There are so many tragic endings that can be prevented if allies would raise their voices and protest bullying, educate others on LGBTQ issues, and advocate for LGBTQ youth… No one should have to live a life of fear and isolation because they are afraid to be who they are. Everyone deserves the right to shine, enjoy life, and be their true self."

Spirit Day is an opportunity for a diverse range of communities to come together in their support for LGBT youth. Stonehill College, a Massachusetts school rooted in Catholicism, is one such example.

Mary Charlotte Buck, Student Government Associations' Executive Board Vice President and an ally to the LGBT community, played an integral role in partnering Stonehill with GLAAD for Spirit Day. Mary Charlotte, who has an extensive background in working with teenagers, sees an important link between her school's traditions and allying with the LGBT community. She said, "I think respecting, honoring, and loving the inherent dignity of all people is one of the most important aspects of our Catholic Identity, and I'm psyched we've chosen to recognize such a great day and cause! I'm proud to say we'll be joining the schools supporting this day."  Faith based organizations from a variety of religions and denominations are going purple this year.

Faculty and students at Connecticut College, which recently ranked as one of the top 25 LGBT-friendly schools in the country, are going purple this year, too. Carol Akai is an Assistant Professor with the school's Human Development department who specializes in children's developmental psychology. She provided GLAAD with her professional opinion on supporting LGBT youth.

"One of the most compelling aspects of human development is our enormous capacity for change," said Professor Akai. "As a society, we are at the beginning of what I hope is a paradigm shift toward the insistence of just treatment for individuals with LGBTQ identities under every circumstance."

Spirit Day is about creating a safe and supportive environment in which all kids, teens, and young adults are given the opportunity to flourish. Educating people on the daily struggles of our community's vulnerable members is the key to ultimately strengthening our at-risk members as well as the cause at large.

Spirit Day initially launched four years ago when Brittany McMillan, then a high school student in Canada, took to Tumblr to promote remembrance of the young lives lost as a result of bullying. Now, Spirit Day has grown into an international movement and is a testament to young people's transformative powers as agents of change.

Professor Akai added, "As today's college students become scholars, I hope they will combine their academic knowledge with their generational influence to affect widespread change that replaces intolerance and ignorance with kindness and complex understanding."  

There's still time for you and your school to get into the spirit by:

• Turning your Facebook, Twitter and other profile photos purple atwww.glaad.org/spiritday and spreading the word by using hashtag #SpiritDay
• Wearing purple on October 17^th and encouraging classmates or coworkers to do the same
• Uploading photos of you wearing purple to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr using hashtag #SpiritDay and Spirit Day graphics
• Downloading the Spirit Day App
• Educating your friends and family about bullying and the LGBT community
• Getting your school, GSA, organization, etc. to become a Spirit Day partner

Time is running out to go purple on Spirit Day as a participant and partner, and to join the Facebook event! Sign up today and spread the word.