Sunday, August 7, 2011

O Where Are You Going?

"O where are you going?" said reader to rider,
"That valley is fatal when furnaces burn,
Yonder's the midden whose odours will madden,
That gap is the grave where the tall return."

"O do you imagine," said fearer to farer,
"That dusk will delay on your path to the pass,
Your diligent looking discover the lacking
Your footsteps feel from granite to grass?"

"O what was that bird," said horror to hearer,
"Did you see that shape in the twisted trees?
Behind you swiftly the figure comes softly,
The spot on your skin is a shocking disease."

"Out of this house," said rider to reader,
"Yours never will," said farer to fearer,
"They're looking for you," said hearer to horror,
As he left them there, as he left them there.
-- W H Auden

Many a time you come across those who even not dare to dream, forget doing. The poem inspires us to keep the insecurities inside, because the reason for living lies there, in the experience. Do you ever ask yourself, "O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?"  My teaching job begins again tomorrow (we have two days of teacher work days, and the heathens students return on Wednesday).  As another year begins and I am still teaching at a small private school, I wonder "O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?"  I know I teach because I love it.  I am there because I want to open up the minds of the students, to show them that there is a world out there beyond their little inclusive group/society.

With this teaching job, I sometimes feel like my life in on hold.  I hope that when I finish my PhD (hopefully, I will graduate in May), that I can move on to better things.  I want to have  a real life again.  I want to be out socializing again.  Though I have friends at the academy, they have their own lives and families.  We are all too busy to socialize.  In fact, the main socializing any of them do with one another is either through their children or through church.  Since I have no children and I do not attend the same church as most of them, I am not part of that clique.  It's okay, I'm not meaning to sound like a pity party, but I do feel like my life and career are on hold for a bit.

I had hoped for a better paying job to begin this fall.  After the fall/spring/summer job search, I was offered one position (this one would have been a step back instead of a step forward) and had one job interview (the one I told you guys about that took place two weeks ago).  Though the job interview seemed to go really well, and I believe that I would have enjoyed teaching at this community college, I was told that they would narrow the candidates further down to three and those three would be invited back for interviews with the college's president.  I never heard anything more from them.  And since the job is supposed to begin next Monday, I expect that I was not chosen for the top three.  It is possible that they really are waiting until the last minute, I have the feeling that I was passed over.  So the new school year teaching middle and high school  students at the academy begins again this week.

I am actually looking forward to it.  I will probably know for sure by the time Friday rolls around, but I like the classes that I am scheduled to teach.  They will be the same as last year, so there will be opportunities to improve upon what I did last year.  I am going in with a positive attitude that this will be a great year.  And I think when we ask ourselves "O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?" that if we look on the brighter side of things, no matter how dim the light may, we will make it happen.  Though I know that I am not always positive, I at least strive to be an optimist.

"O, Where Are You Going?"


becca said...

i hope you have a great year and i sk those questions of myself all the time. Sometimes i like the answers and other times i don't bu t i try to stay positive. I know the feeling of not soalizing much they only people i hang with are my mom,brothers or hubby as i no longer drive and honestly no one want to hang out with the sick girl i think i remind them of how short life can be. anyways again hope the year is a great one and i hope all the goals that you are working towards happen soon for you.toward

queer heaven said...

This might seem trite and rather childish, but it is soo true..... it is not where you are going, but how you handle the journey that truly count.
( having a good amount sex long the way really helps)

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I was underemployed from 2002 until about 2 months ago. I had exactly the same thoughts as you many, many times. Even though I didn't even move chairs, I can tell you that eventually, if you just keep doing your best, things will open up, and they will get better.

Enjoy the start of the year! We've got another couple of weeks of -whiny heathens- um, teachers, before the kids come back.

Peace <3

fan of casey said...

Joe: They say life is a journey and long journeys requires rest stops. So consider yourself to be at rest stop for now. As long as you have a plan and the determination to see it through, you should remain hopeful.

I know it can be discouraging at times when you aren't making the progress you expect from yourself. Take comfort that at least you are not moving backwards.

Once you have your PhD in hand, more opportunities will be available to you. You have come this far already, there's no turning back now.

Uncutplus said...

Joe, hurry up, so I can call you "Doc Blow."

JoeBlow said...

Thanks Becca, I wish I lived closer to you, because I would love to hang out with you. I think we would have an absolute blast together.

Jay, we start on Wednesday. It feels like summer has been so short this year.

QH, you are right. Having a good amount sex along the way really help;, unfortunately, I have been having a bit of dry spell lately.

The idea of it being a rest stop makes it sound so much better in my mind. Yes, I just have to push ahead and my goals will eventually be realized.

Uncutplus, I'm working on it.

Anonymous said...

HA! My summer has gone by SCREAMING! I guess being a 12-monther and in this new position that makes my brain actually work for the first time in almost 10 years, time flies by!

Of course, thanks to our King's Dominion Law, we don't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day.

Peace <3

JoeBlow said...

Jay, I guess I am a little glad that we start school early because then we are out of school while everyone else is still going. Then again, the school I teach at is the first one that I have ever seen that loves holidays. We actually have at least one a month, which is nice.