May-December Romances

The term "May-December Romances" refers to a romantic pairing where one person is significantly older than the other. The age difference is at least a decade, but often more. The phrase comes from the younger person being in the "spring" of his or her life (i.e., May), while the older partner is in his or her "winter" (i.e., December). In the gay community there often seems to be  a focus on youth, but when a gay man is out of their twenties, does age really matter anymore?

Several weeks ago someone requested a commentary on age differences. There are no real moral or ethical implications of dating a person older or younger than yourself. Most people do find an attraction to someone a few years older or younger. However, in this email that I received the man was referring to age differences of 10, 20, or 30 years. He is in his sixties and his partner is in his forties.

The first thing that needs to be determined is if there is an unhealthy reason for not choosing a person of ones similar age. This would be true of the predatory adult who needs to control and manipulate another person and therefore seeks a weaker type of person who sometimes is also younger. This type of predatory person is dangerous and may be violent. Though I don't know a great deal about their relationship, the man that emailed me seemed very happy with his relationship and did not give any indication that there were any unhealthy reasons for their relationship, and I can't see any reason that there should be.

I have no experience myself with a May-December relationship, but I know several men who are older than me, that if they lived closer to me, I would be all over them. An intelligent, cultured is the type of relationship that I have always wanted. I have no desire to be a gold-digger or a boy-toy (which I am too old for anyway), but to have a mature relationship that is not all about sex (though sex is a consideration in the equation) is the type of relationship I have always desired. Whether the person is older, younger, or the same age as I am, it is the connection of the minds that means more to me.

One of the most famous gay May-December romances is probably that of Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy. At forty-eight years old and already an esteemed British writer, Christopher Isherwood met 18-year-old Don Bachardy at Will Rogers State Beach in October 1952 and by early the next year, the two had begun an intimate relationship that lasted until Isherwood's death in 1986. They were a high-profile, openly gay couple whose meeting coincided with one of the most homophobic decades in American history, the era of McCarthyism, when homosexuals were being driven out of the State Department.

Yet to the gay community at large, as well as those who were casually acquainted with the couple, Isherwood and Bachardy seemed to live an enviably idyllic existence in their hillside Santa Monica home, where they entertained the leading figures of the world of arts and letters, and the movie stars that Bachardy once sought out for autographs. For all that seeming perfection, Guido Santi and Tina Mascara's loving yet clear-eyed documentary, "Chris & Don: A Love Story," reveals that the couple worked hard and long to achieve their bliss.

Nowhere in this fine, quiet, richly-sourced documentary is the phrase "gay marriage" ever uttered. But then, the relationship at hand spanned three pre-political decades until 1986, when Christopher Isherwood died in L.A. Today, in the same gloriously sunny, cozy Santa Monica cottage they shared, his surviving partner Don Bachardy, a portrait artist, leafs through dozens of often nude sketches made during Isherwood's last days—and even after his death. It seems perfectly natural, and the film includes even more dazzling visual records—photos and color home movies from Venice in the '50s and of mingling with the stars back home (including Igor Stravinsky, Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams, Aldous Huxley, David Hockney, and John Boorman). And in a nice nod to Cabaret, which made Isherwood's fortune, Michael York reads from the author's letters and diaries. Chris and Don met at ages 49 and 18, respectively, on the beach, where Don and his older brother (also gay) were trolling for sugar daddies. Was that so wrong? Their relationship—and this movie—prove otherwise. Boorman comments, "Isherwood had succeeded in cloning himself." To which Bachardy, speaking in the third person, agrees: "It was exactly what the young boy wanted."