Shame

Shame: A Poem

By Maggie Yaddof

Yes there was a time

A time before the pain

And yes it was a good time

That time before the pain

Yes it was simple

Yes it was full of peace

Yes it was worriless

Yes we lived with ease

Well, that time isn’t coming back

We will never be the same

Relax though —— it’s okay

Let go of your shame

This is not your fault

You are not to blame

This cannot be prevented

So let go of your shame

Just try it I dare you

Live in the now

Not tomorrow, not yesterday

Come on, you know how

Don’t dwell on the past

And what life could have been

Quit mourning for that loss

Don’t let the “what-ifs” win

Stop fretting about tomorrow

And what it will be like

You’re making your own misery

So step into the light.

Look at where you are

See the brightened sky

Look-over, look around

We are all on your side.

We know that you are strong

We see your beauty, see your smile

And we will battle next to you

Mile, by mile, by mile.

You are a silent warrior

You will never be the same

As a person you are now better

So let go of your shame.

I had a very bad scare yesterday.  I woke up and couldn't find HRH.  I had to leave for work, so I hoped and prayed all day that she was just being lazy and had overslept that morning.  Sometimes she doesn't get up, but just looks at me and goes back to sleep.  I hoped she was just somewhere I couldn't see.  I worried all day, and by 2pm I had a massive headache.  I left school an hour early and headed home to find HRH.

I searched the house to no avail.  She's been known to sneak out the door sometimes if it's left open too long, and I feared that she might have been out since the night before or even that morning.  HRH is an indoor cat and in the years she lived with my parents while I was in graduate school they'd had her declawed.  Her voice and her bite are her only defense these days.  Her voice is by far her best defense.  She can let loose a blood curdling yeow that have caused dogs to run in fear.  In fact last time she was out, two dogs cornered her.  When she was finished with them, they've never stepped foot in our yard again.  Still I feared for her safety if she'd been out.

I was right to be afraid.  When I checked outside, I found her hidden next to the front porch.  She was tired and dehydrated.  Alabama this time of year is no place to survive the heat outside.  I took her in to get water.  That's when I noticed that she couldn't stand on her back legs.  As soon I she stopped drinking water, I rushed her to the vet, fearing a trauma I could not see.  There were no signs of anything having hurt her other than she couldn't stand on her back legs.

I finally was able to see the vet and they sedated her and did some x-rays.  My sweet HRH has arthritis in her lower back.  Osteoarthritis, also called degenerative arthritis or degenerative joint disease, is the most common form of arthritis in cats. Still, it is less common in cats than it is in dogs and usually produces milder symptoms.  However, it is most often seen in Abyssinians, Himalayans, Siamese, and Persians.  HRH's father was a Himalayan and her mother a gray tabby.  Usually with mixed breeds, the genes for pedigree cats are suppressed, but HRH has always shown the signs of a Siamese (Himalayans are a Siamese-Persian mix).  In a cat with degenerative joint disease, the cartilage covering the articulating surface of a joint wears out and the underlying bone develops a roughened surface that damages the joint. Most of HRH's damage appears to be in her spine which caused her problems with her home legs.

The vet gave her a steroid shot and some fluids.  I will have to give her steroids twice a day for five days and then once a day for another five days.  If there is not improvement, I will have to take she back on Friday, otherwise she will go back to the vet in ten days.  Please pray with me that she improves.  Next week, HRH will turn 16.  She's been my loyal and loving companion since she was a kitten.  I love her dearly and I don't know what I'd do without her.  I know there is no cure and a day will come when the arthritis overtakes her, but for now, the vet seems to believe the steroids will give her strength.

The poem "Shame" by Maggie Yaddof was written by a teenage girl who suffers from juvenile arthritis.  It was first published in Arthritis Today.