Monday, April 12, 2021

Grindrs and Tinders and Growlrs, Oh My!

Dating apps, and really they are just hookup apps, suck! When you live in an area with very few gay people and no gay bars (not that any would be open right now anyway), dating apps are one of the few things to turn to in order to meet someone. Sadly, there seem to be only a few types of guys on these apps. There are the men who only want a hookup (most often they can’t host because they are cheating on someone), and all that ever happens with these guys is a suck and fuck and go, never to be heard from again.  

The one-night stand guys are bad enough, but then there are the scammers/catfishes. These guys are usually some guy at a computer in Africa, and they “fall in love” very quickly. They seem very sweet, but most often, their grammar is terrible. Some claim to be in the U.S. Army, often serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. Others just live a thousand or so miles from you. They love to send pictures, which you can often reverse image search and find who they are really of, but some even make fake social media profiles using those pics to try to deceive you further and cover their trail. Eventually, they slip up, or they begin to ask for money. Whatever it is, they seem to fall in love with you very quickly declaring that you are his soul mate. I hate these people.


Then, there are the cheaters who are in a relationship with a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband. They may not be just a one-night stand, though often they are. If they are with a woman, they are often bisexual or gay and in the closet. Years ago, back in Mississippi, I hooked up with a teacher. He kept talking about his kids the whole time. I thought he was talking about his students, as I always referred to my students as “my kids.” Then, mid blowjob, he mentioned his wife. It did not register with me at first. Honestly, I didn’t fully understand that’s what he said until we had finished, and he was leaving. I could be a bit naïve at times. That is the only time, to my knowledge, that I have ever hooked up with someone who was married. It was almost all worth it to run into him with his wife in Walgreens. The horror on his face was all the revenge I needed. I didn’t even act like I knew him, but it was obvious he recognized me. He hurriedly left the store with his wife.


Of course, there will always be the teasers. They want to lead you on. They get off on flirting and dirty talk, but they have no intention of ever meeting. This can be fun but also frustrating. You’re constantly led on, but nothing more ever happens. The worst is when they agree to meet and either cancel last minute or never show up. I’ve had this happen before too. We have probably all had this happen. Either they lose their nerve and never even go to meet you, or they get there, see you and turn around and leave.


In a small area, like where I live, you have another type, the ones who are always on the apps. You log on, and it’s the same guys over and over. You recognize all of them, and you know they are not compatible for one reason or another. Either they only want a very masculine guy, they want someone younger, older, or the same age, or they want a particular body type. I understand having a type, but jeez, give a guy a chance. You might find that you have more in common than you think. Even if it’s not going to be romantic, you could still be friends. Some guys will never give someone who doesn’t meet their ideal a chance.


Sadly, so few of the guys on these apps are looking for friends or a relationship. I have tried dating apps numerous times. On only three or four occasions have I met someone who wanted a relationship. For one reason or another, none of them ever worked out. Recently, I have tried the dating apps again, but it’s the same old shit. It’s all horndogs, scammers, cheaters, or teasers. Maybe some of the guys I’ve chatted with on these apps will turn out to be something, but I am not going to be overly optimistic. Honestly, is it too much to ask for a coffee date or to go out to dinner? I’d even be willing to go for a hike or something just to get to know a guy and meet him a few times before we jump into bed together. Is that so hard? I guess my title should have been, “Grindrs and Tinders and Growlrs, Oh Well!” It’s always worth a try.


P.S. I know we are in a pandemic, and options are limited until both parties are vaccinated, but this has been an issue for as long as meeting someone on the internet has been around.


BosGuy said...

Your frustrations with apps is near universal. I know very few people who really like them outside of their convenience. However, I remember one of my friends years ago saying the best dating app he ever used wasn't match or eharmony, but SCRUFF. He said that he goes in with less expectations and there is less endless emailing back and forth. However, I think what I took from his story wasn't that SCRUFF was great but rather that dating stinks.

Joe said...

BosGuy, I agree about Scruff. I just used Tinder in the title for word play; I don’t actually use Tinder. I can never remember which way to swipe if you like someone or want to pass on them. I’ve met some guys on Scruff, but it never amounted to anything. There are so many phonies and flakes on these apps, and I just get tired of wading (few do I get to kiss) through all the frogs to find a prince. Hell, at this point I would settle for just a knight (not night), and he doesn’t even have to have shining armor. LOL

JiEL said...

I had almost the same experiences as you.
Lot of married or «happily partenered» on those site which is just frustrating me and more during this pandemic as those already have a «mate».

For me, the most difficulty is that I'm 70yo and many are looking for younger men.
They ask for so many requirements that it's almost difficult to suit their desires.
The bad side is that they even don't meet their own demands.
What I found also hard to find is a man that is «mentaly» sain.
The last one I met and dated all autumn 2017 was bipolar and after 5 months of serious dating including sex he just break without any explanations.

My last BF who was 34yo in 2009 and who was living with me till 2012, had hyper active issues. He was on meds but.... Anyway, he sheeted on me so I broke up.

I'm in Gay411, GayDaddy and the latest on who seemed to be a serious site.
Well on that site,, it was the worse where many «African young hoaxes» tried to have my «love».
As you said, they only wait until after long chat on Skype are demanding some money for the most bizare reasons...

All those sites are just about sex, like a consumer market. They all want sex without comitement, not even friendship.
The bad side of our consumer society where they «use» another man and just throw you away like a garbage.

It's very frustrating for us, honest men, who are looking for a «real man» with a brain betwen their shoulders more than a dick betwen their thighs.

Joe said...

JiEL, I agree. Even at 43, they seem to all want someone younger than me, whether they are older than me or not.

VRCooper said...

I will write more later---

You know I have stories to tell---

Have you heard of Meet Up--One can join a group of similar interests or even start one. This would be an ideal way to meet people and who knows one after the activity coffee, can lead to lunch, dinner, and the next thing they are moving in.

More later.

VRCooper said...


I am back!

I am 62 and I have been around the block a few times.

I was never much of a dater. I grew up in the '60s and 70's and I was in my 30's in the '90s. There were no apps when I was on the prowl. One would go to clubs. I was never a club person because I didn't drink and could not stand all the smoke. Also, the idea of standing around all night waiting for Mr. Goodbar was a waste of time. Besides clubs started late. I would rather be in bed by 11:00 PM not getting ready to go out. Now, don't get me wrong, I have been to a few clubs in my time and I can cut a mean rug. I remember while living in Dallas I put an ad in the local gay newspaper. It was free but you had to pay to listen to your voicemail box. I received so many responses I just quit. I did ask a few out for a meet and greet. One stood me up at a restaurant and the other was into wrestling and would not cum. He would do everything but cum. The guy is a sweetheart and I am still in contact with him to this day.

I just go about my life doing what I would normally do and hopefully I will bump into someone I can start something with. I have dived into Meet Up. It's a great application where you can meet folks in your career field and network. They usually meet once a month and just have a little fun. One can also meet up with folks in your particular field of interest/hobby. I like hiking so when I lived in San Diego I met up with folks to go hiking. The possibilities are endless. And you can also start a group. Once you sign up and browse the site you will be surprised how many groups are out there. Different strokes for different folks.

Because of what folks on your blog have said and what others have described concerning dating applications, I think I will pass. Now a little hook-up here and there is fine if your both going into it eyes wide open and this is what you want. Don't let me stand in your way. But at my age, I don't want to wade through all that bullshit. Don't ask me the last time I got laid or taken my clothes off for a man.

Now do I want a man. That would be nice. But I may die a spinster. I must confess that when I go to the gym I almost have an emotional breakdown seeing the young guys with so much life ahead of them. It's that could have, should have type feeling. If I could be younger, I would like to go back to being about 35. I would do some things differently.

One last thing. I like guys around my age. I was never into younger guys-twinks. I like my men mature and seasoned. My only relationship-lasted about two years-not a good fit-was a sweet guy who was 10 years older than me. I was in my early 30's.

Happy hunting. Be yourself. Stand by your values. Don't do anything you don't want to. Compromise when needed and don't be a doormat for dick.


Cody said...

This is so relatable. I didn't have a lot of luck on apps, either. In rural Alabama and Mississippi, it is mostly all married men or meth heads on Grindr and I was not interested in the young horndog twinks on Tinder. Finally, in 2018, I met my husband on Plenty of Fish. He is quite a bit older than me. He was a widower who lived as a straight man his entire life. If I had been narrow-minded, I would have never known the love that I do today. Once I started talking to him, I realized how much I liked him and how much we had in common.

Doréus said...

I may be a bit of an outlier here, but I met my husband of 12 years online. Now, it was work: there were all those types you describe, since, like you, I lived in a smaller town in the middle of a very conservative area, with more closet cases than you can shake a feathered boa at. It was also a lot of time commitment to sort through the ones who were only leading you on and those worth eventually getting to know. I did meet a few interesting people through two dating sites -- neither of which still exist for that purpose; the domains have been repurposed -- had a few coffees and lunches and a couple of intimate encounters. I was almost surprised when the relationship with my husband blossomed from something that at the beginning was a bit inauspicious. So I guess it requires much patience, although I think the immediacy of phone apps and the focus on "wham-bang-thank-you-mam" that they promote makes it more difficult.
More recently, having moved to a new city, my husband and I tried to create a joint profile on a couple of sites to meet like-minded people (as we somehow have managed to make many lesbian friends, but few gays). I have let him do most of the work, as it was his idea and I frankly don't have the time to wade through the flotsam of crap that comes up. It has been... interesting again, with so many people coming under false pretences and simply wanting a fuck. We have, however, met a few people with whom we have stayed in touch through the last few months; we will see what happens when we can socialise again.

Phil said...

I absolutely agree with everything here, and especially Victor (VRCooper). In my opinion, dating apps are a waste of time for all the reasons stated. I am 58, I have never been into pubs and clubs, I like to be in bed and up early, and I have always preferred mature men. Live your life, do what you do and that coffee and lunch date will happen.