Friday, May 7, 2021

Dreams

"I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was." - Ransom Riggs 

I used to hate my life. I wanted to be anything but what I was. I’ve accepted who I am more in the last five years since moving to Vermont than any other time in my life. Yes, I came out of the closet to myself twenty years ago, but I had basically resigned myself to the fact that I am gay. I realized I’d never want to marry a woman or have a romantic relationship with a woman, and if I tried, I’d end up making us both miserable. So, I admitted to myself that I am gay. I’d fought it far too long, and it nearly killed me, literally. I’d always been attracted to men, but I tried to suppress it. I did my best to deny my true self. However, admitting that I am gay is not really the same as accepting myself for who I am. There was always a part of me that wished I was not gay.

 

In the last five years, I quit wishing I wasn’t gay. I love being gay. I love accepting who I am and celebrating the fact that I am attracted to men. I want to find a man with whom I can spend the rest of my life. In many ways, I’m a different person than I was twenty years ago when I admitted to myself that I was gay. In fact, I’m a different person than I was five years ago. I am happy with who I have become, and it has made me a happier person. While I did once dream of escaping my ordinary life, I realized, my life, like that of all of our lives, is not ordinary. We are all extraordinary, and we need to celebrate who we are.

11 comments:

BosGuy said...

What a wonderful post to read over my morning cup of coffee. I'm happy you've found peace with who you are and more than that, acceptance and appreciation. Your post is precisely what pride is all about, and all of us have to find that self-love and acceptance our own way.

Joe said...

Thanks, BosGuy. Your comment means a lot to me. I had been discussing earlier in the evening before I wrote this post about how I didn't think I'd ever want to move back to the South. I am happy here. I have the job and career I didn't know I wanted, but it suits me perfectly (even though there is aggravation at times). I also don't have to temper who I am here. Living in New England has, in many ways, given me the life I always wanted. Now, if I could just find a man to share it with.

Patrick said...

I agree with BosGuy very uplifting hope that some day you find your soul mate.

Good Luck

Joe said...

Thanks, Patrick.

JiEL said...

Very nice post that shows as many are, some human beings in constant evolution.

The most important is to accept yourself as you are, love yourself and then you'll be able to love another man.

As early as I was 5yo, I knew that I was attracted to «boys» and it was more and more obvious in my teenage times. But in the 50's, 60's and even in the 80's it wasn't well viewed to be gay. As I thought then, I believed I was bisexual and in 1977 I married a woman.

After 22 years of that marriage and mostly in the last 10 years of it, my thru nature came out quite fast in my 40's where I was putting my life in question and thinking of what I really want to live for the next years of my life.

I was meeting men, mostly in gay saunas here and I was chatting with a 19yo man, Daniel.
Daniel and some men I met just gave me the boost and push so I could divorce and do my coming out.

That happened in April 1999. First all the divorce «shit» was terrible but now I know it was worthed because since then I live a happier life being, at last, myself.

Call it an evolution and it's all what it's about but also the change in Canada's society that made it possible.
The same as you moved to Vertmont where you could live your thru gay life and accepted it too.

Anonymous said...

Joe, I am so happy for you that you have found and can express both self-acceptance and contentment. As to a partner, that may not be so easy in a small Vermont town - but who knows? Roderick

RB said...

I'm glad that you've found acceptance, and hope you can find the other things you need to make your life complete.

Don said...

That was a beautiful post. In many ways this post reflects every one of us struggling to accept who we are and to find ones path in life. Sexuality can be especially difficult with family, religious and society’s values thrust into our consciousness. I am still struggling at 63 with these issues. Don

Anonymous said...

Joe,
Congratulations on your growth, love, acceptance, and confidence.
Wishing you ultimate strength and calmness while navigating Mother's Day.

Don't let anyone push your buttons. Best.

Alexander

VRCooper said...

Joe,

That's half the battle in life, accepting who you are.

Move forward, no matter how fast or slow, and be you.

The rest will follow.

Best,

Victor

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! A wonderful ass, a wonderful body and on top of that a good housekeeper.... What more can I ask for?