In about two weeks, I will be heading to Alabama for Christmas. I have not been back since before the pandemic. I knew too many people who had gotten COVID, even if vaccinated, because of the vast number of people who refused to get vaccinated. My sister’s family refused to get vaccinated until my brother-in-law’s employer mandated it, and there would have been no way to avoid them if I had come home for any of those other Christmases. I was safe in Vermont, and I planned to stay that way. My mother, though, insisted that I come home this year, and since she was paying for the plane ticket (though I wish I could have gotten her to spring for First Class instead of Coach—she didn’t realize that I opted for Main Cabin Plus or whatever they call it), I agreed. I could not have afforded to fly home this year by myself. The ticket was nearly $1000! I have flown to Europe cheaper. Anyway, I am getting off-topic.
I have very low expectations for going home. Yes, they will be glad to see me, but I know my father will be an argumentative asshole—he always is, and my mother will make snide nasty comments—she always does. My sister and brother-in-law will be their usual redneck, annoying selves. My niece and nephew will be excited to see me as well as some other family members. It’s what I expect. My mother will try to control everything I do and not want me to be out of her sight. Sadly, she will have some control over me because I will be staying with them, I can’t afford a hotel room for a week, nor can I afford a rental car for the whole time. So, anything I do will depend on borrowing her car.
However, I have already told her I will not be under her thumb the whole time. I have a good friend with whom I plan to have lunch while I am home, and if he can still make it, she’ll have to live with it. She’s not happy about it, but I’ve already told her that she lets me go for a few hours to have lunch with a friend, or I am just not going home. For now, she seems to have relented. If she brings this up again and tries to prevent me, I will flat out tell her, “You either let me do this or this is it—period. Once you take me to the airport, don’t call me, and don’t expect to see me again. We will be done for good!”
My parents controlled my life for too long. I let much of my life pass me by trying to get their love and acceptance. I DO NOT NEED IT ANYMORE! They can love me the way I am and accept me for who I am, or we don’t have to deal with each other anymore. I’ve had all I can take. My mental health has been much better in the three years since I’ve been away from Alabama, and I have no plans ever to go back to the way it was. I have only low expectations for going home. I know it will be awful and tiring and emotionally draining, but I will give them a chance to act like human beings for once. It’s the last chance I will give them. If there are arguments or hatefulness, then I don’t need it. I’ll get on that plan on December 29 and not look back.
11 comments:
Good luck with your trip home. I have a suggestion on heading off any conversations you think may be pointless or upsetting. When Kenneth in the 212 went back home over Thanksgiving and his father tried to bait him by talking about Biden's student loan bill, he responded, "it's more complicated than that. I've got to take a shower. Talk to you later." Seemed to have worked for him (god knows how many showers he had to take - perhaps you'd be better off taking a walk!)
BosGuy, a walk is a good suggestion. My parents live in a rural wooded area on a river/lake, so there are lots of beautiful places to take a walk.
The last few paragraphs give me some hope for you, but it's really time to get a set of balls and just tell your family that you're thru with this controlling. Don't wait until they do something ... anything to upset you. Make a stand when you first arrive. Tell them you didn't want to make this trip and why. Tell them if they try to control anything you do or are, you'll leave immediately.
FYI The best years of my life have been the ones after I told my family I was done with them. They added nothing positive to my life. Life is so much better without them.
Hello Joe,
My heart is heavy.
I have said what I have said.
May the joy and wonder of the holiday season be yours.
Best,
Victor
Never cut ties with his parents, you will regret it. At their remarks suddenly become deaf or go for a walk.
One word: Uber. Cheaper than a rental car and you can get away. Even IF your friend cannot make it, don't tell your mother and get out of the house!!!! Props to you for going, but ouch. I myself couldn't do it.
Wow Joe. The whole situation seems so much worse than I thought from your previous posts. Your family's treatment of you is beyond unacceptable for any "child" but you are 45 which makes it even unbelievable that you've tolerated them this far. I see one reply says never cut ties with parents but I not sure that's true in every case. Seems to me you're being emotionally abused. I must say I personally feel terrible for you. Please be sure of a special place in my prayers.You're a better man than I am. I am fairly sure I wouldn't have put up with them this long. I wouldn't go home unless I had a hotel room.and a car. Toxic relationships are so very psychologically harmful.
I hope it won't be quite as bad as you fear, but it's good that you're prepared to deal with it. Just tell them you're a Vermont Yankee and don't share their outlook on things, and you don't want to argue with them. And you don't want them to argue with you. It's too tiresome, and you came to celebrate Christmas, not to have them foist their opinions on you.
You're ready for them
Years ago, I was reading a story about an abused wife who kept returning to her alcoholic husband. He didn't change, but she'd always say, "But he's my husband and deep down he's good and I know he loves me." And the abuse continued. I recall thinking, this story is so unbelievable, any sane person would just leave. Then it dawned on me that it was exactly what I was doing with my abusive family. I was making the same kinds of excuses because, deep down, I blamed myself. 'Good little boy syndrome' I suppose. That realisation broke the spell. Stop abusing yourself. Leave the door to reconciliation always open, for THEM to take the initiative to walk through it, but do something else for Christmas, something which will bring and share joy. Going back will just convince them nothing needs to change.
Scott, very well put.
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