Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I was fine most of the morning at work, but my mother called. Few people can ruin my day like she often can. She didn’t say anything really offensive, but it’s the way she starts in about things. I can’t seem to do much right in her eyes. After I got off the phone with her, I had a full-blown panic attack. I’ve been having panic attacks recently, but this is really the first one that came while I was at work. I’m not always sure what causes them, but I can pretty well pinpoint this one to the phone call from my mother.
Right after I talked to her, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart began to race, I began to shake, and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. When this happens, I’m unable to concentrate on anything, and I just get so flustered. My head feels like it’s going to explode, and I have this hot sensation all over my head. I got up from my desk and walked outside and around the building, hoping some fresh air might help, but it didn’t. I sat down in one of the comfy armchairs in the museum’s lobby (no one was around), and that too didn’t help. Furthermore, I had a meeting that was supposed to start soon, but I knew it wasn’t that important. So, I went to my boss and told him I was having a panic attack and needed to go home. I know, it was probably not the best idea to drive in that condition, but I felt I had to get out of there.
I needed to be home, in my private space, so I could lay down in the dark for a while. It took a few hours to finally calm down, but it did happen. I was actually able to run to the grocery store, like I’d planned to do yesterday afternoon anyway. While it was only the grocery store, I calmed down looking at food and doing a little retail therapy. By the time I got home, I felt relatively normal again.
I hate the sensation of a panic attack. I used to get these every time I had to fly or anytime money was an issue, like unexpected expenses that couldn’t be avoided. Now, I can probably add talking to my mother to the list. I think one of the triggers may have been her talking about me going home. I haven’t been back to Alabama since the pandemic began, and I think it has done wonders for my mental stability. However, the thought of going back to Alabama again is something that, for the most part, I dread.
8 comments:
A cure : Isabella .
Very sorry to read that you had such a difficult day and that the trigger was your Mom.
Hope you are feeling better today, next she calls you just hang up it is not worth it.
No, don't hang up, don't cut ties, but try to understand your mother.
Joe...My sympathies. I've battled these attacks for years. Therapy helped I gained techniques to calm me down and learned how to deal with triggers. Also, in emergencies, Ativan gave me something to cope (especially when flying). My biggest triggers were also family ones, and breaking ties were difficult. Stay strong. Seek help. These attacks can be dehabilitating and physically harmful. My best to you. Hug Isabella.
I am no mental health professional BUT knowing Victor I would know how to address this issue. Yes, it may work for me. I am the type of person that does not deal kindly with individuals that cause me pain, discomfort, making me feel less than, beating around the bush instead of hitting the nail on the head...Whatever adjective you wish to use. In this case, your mother knows damn well what she is doing. She is an adult. Treat her like one. Call her bluff. Just address the elephant in the room. "Mother, when you act like...say...it makes me uncomfortable or may cause me to have a panic attack." "I am working on you not having this effect on me. It is my choice." "Until you change the way you speak/treat me, then we will have limited contact or contact on my terms!" I was never a person that was beholden to someone because they were my father, mother, brother, sister....family. They are people. They do not get a free pass. I hold all people accountable for how they treat me once they come into my yard. I control that space. I will never again let someone do that to me. Play games on your time. I do not allow bullies.
block her number.
Hearing from your mother is always the worst thing to have to deal with. When my mother was alive I always got asked when I was going to make her a grand mother. I finally Lost it and told her that was never going to happen since I hated women and was GAY. Not the best way to come out but that was that. Understand that Mothers have the best sense of what will set the children off esp. a gay son since we tend to be more like them than we care to admit.
I am happy that you have a quiet place that helps calm you down after talking to her which must be annoying that she pushes your buttons whenever you have to talk to her.
Good luck with your move to the new place.
Jon from UGA
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