Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Dating in Vermont

Dealing with the quarantine and not having a semblance of a social life anymore (not that I had much of one to begin with) makes you really contemplate your loneliness at times. Before I moved to Vermont, I had actually begun to date men on a regular basis, some I even went out with multiple times. Most of my life has been spent going on one date and never hearing from the person again. However, things had really and truly begun to change. I had a boyfriend that I cared about, and it looked like it would be a long-term thing. Then, I got exiled to Vermont. I have tried to have a dating life up here, but I’ve never been successful.


One of the first dates I went on was with a doctor. When we met, he seemed a bit standoffish, but I went ahead with the date. It was at his home on Lake Champlain. The date was a disaster. First, he fed me leftovers, when he’d originally told me he was taking me out to dinner. Then he dropped the bombshell on me. He told me that he could not date someone who was not skinny and in good shape. He had apparently mistaken me for a picture on my blog. I am pretty straightforward that no picture of me exists on my blog, and that I am not in the best shape. I am always straightforward about things, at least I’ve always thought I was. After he said that, I should have just left, but I guess I am too polite for that. To add insult to injury, he apparently decided that I needed exercise because he took me for a walk on a trail along the lake. Don’t mistake this as a romantic stroll because he lectured me the whole time on proper nutrition and exercise. I finally left and never saw his sorry ass again. He was not very attractive and had no room too judge. He was also much older than he had told me he was.


A lot of the time, the dates I’ve gone on have been much nicer. We seem to get along great and the conversation flows easily. I am a shy person, but once I start talking and get comfortable, I can usually carry on a pretty good conversation. However, it seems that after every date I have been on, whatever chemistry it seemed we had falls apart. He or I might text that we had a great time together and that we should see each other again. The guys almost always seem positive about the first date, but then, I never hear from them again. I did see one guy for a few times, but he was not romantically interested. He just wanted a friend. One time, I went on a date with a drag queen. I had seen her perform a few nights before, and then I saw her online (I think it was Grindr, don’t judge). He and I set up a date and met in Montpelier. The date did not start off well. There was a snowstorm coming in and every restaurant in town apparently closed early that night. We finally found one that was open. It was kind of comical at the time, and I guess still is. We had a nice meal and good conversation, but it was apparent to both of us that this would be a friendship and not a romantic relationship. Before the pandemic, we often saw each other at various events. She was often hosting the events as her drag persona, but she always said hello and if she was available, we usually carried on a conversation.


And speaking of Grindr and those type of apps, I rarely ever use them because it’s always the same 5-10 men, several of which are students at the university where I work (we are not allowed to fraternize with the students). When it seems like I do meet someone on an app or a dating site, they usually just want a hook-up, no surprise there.  I’ll admit, I am not always opposed to that, but I don’t like to host for a number of reasons. I don’t want a stranger in my apartment, partly because stranger upset Isabella. Also, they often live far away, and 99 times out of 100, they say they can’t host, which always sends up red flags. Furthermore, my walls are a little thin, and kids have a bedroom below me. I would not want to disturb them with sex noises. I know, I’m practicing a double standard about not hosting, but it’s just something I don’t like to do. I once hooked up with a guy when I was living in Mississippi. He couldn’t host, so I did invite him over only to find out in the middle of sex that he was married and had kids.


When I first moved to Vermont, I checked out Grindr to see what it was like around here, and I met a guy who lived about two blocks away. He had just told his roommate, who apparently was constantly bringing girls over, that he couldn’t host girls anymore. He didn’t want to break the rule he’d just made, so I did let him come over. The sex was freaking amazing. He possessed the most beautiful butt of any man I’ve ever hooked up with, and I was the top this time. By the way, maybe TMI, but I am versatile. Everything seemed to go well, we really seemed to hit it off more than just sex. However, the same old story, he never responded to me again. I did run into him a few times around campus, because he also worked at the university, but for a long time, he seemed to act as if he didn’t see me or know me. The strange thing is, fast-forward four years later, he adds me as a friend on Facebook. Now, every time he sees me, he is very friendly and always says hello and calls me by name. I find it all a bit odd and don’t know what to make of it.


There was one instance of a guy wanting to get together again, but there were a couple of problems I had on this occasion. First, he was a very heavy pot smoker, which is something that triggers my migraines. Second, he lived too far away. It was quite a drive down there because I had to go over the mountains (I also got lost going home because there was no cell signal and my GPS wouldn’t work). We “watched” a movie while I was there, which was fine, but since we were doing things besides paying attention to the movie, I was somewhat undressed when not only his nearly adult son came barging into the house with his girlfriend but also his wife came walking in. I never figured out if he was divorced or just separated, but that’s not the point. So, while they settled in to smoke a little weed with dear old dad, I had a pillow over my lap covering myself up because I didn’t have enough time to get my pants back on correctly. I had pulled my pants up, but not everything was in place nor could I fasten my pants discreetly, so I had to use a pillow to shield myself. He wanted to see more of me, but I decided it would not work out and told him that I didn’t think that would happen because he lived so far away.


So, my dating life in Vermont has sucked. When it seems I have found someone that I want to spend more time with and get to know better, they never respond or if they do respond, which a few have, they are not interested. I don’t know what I do wrong or what is wrong with me. I do wish I was in better shape, but dammit, I am a nice and loveable person who just wants to find someone who loves me back. I’m tired of getting constantly rejected, especially after being told what a great time they had and how they want to get together again. It makes you just want to give up even looking. When rejection like that happens, I just want to scream at them, “Fuck you, you fucking fuck.” I saw that on a t-shirt once, and it pretty much sums up how I feel toward some people. Of course, I am not confrontational, and I try never to be mean, so I would never say it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to say it. There are a lot of things that scream in my mind that thankfully I never utter. I really hate when people thinks it’s okay to insult someone for no reason, especially when they give the excuse, “Well, I’m just being honest. There’s nothing wrong with that.” There is something wrong with it. You’re fucking being rude, mean, and condescending. It happens online a lot.


I know we all want that handsome man to sweep us off our feet, but I don’t think that I am so unattractive as to never deserve to be given a chance. Honestly, I think the gay community holds people to too high of a standard of appearance, and we won’t even get started on the perception of age. But there are gay couples out there who are not the most perfect looking couple. They love each other just the way they are. I know that I am probably perpetuating the standard of male beauty with the pictures I post on this blog; however, they are fantasies and don’t really represent the average man. Many of them are probably airbrushed to look better than they actually look. It’s like that with porn. Men in porn are more well-endowed than the average man, and they often perform sex that is unrealistic. It may be hot to watch, but it is still a fantasy. Those men are paid professionally to perform entertaining sex on camera, and models are paid to look beautiful in front of a camera. Neither are realistic, and sometimes that standard of beauty isn’t even achievable for some of us.


How many of you have ever been chatting with a guy online and you trade pictures with him, then all of a sudden, the conversation ends? You seemed to be getting along so well, but as soon as he realizes you are not the ideal that he want, it’s all over. I would suspect that most of those instances go like this: you saw his picture and (honestly) thought that he was not the best looking person or maybe he’s not in the best shape, but you seemed to have a connection, so you don’t really care how he looks. That has happened to me. When a guy was very good looking, it was usually a catfish. The truth is, I have met a lot of men who were unrealistically shallow and for no good reason. They want an ideal that they don’t fit themselves. I try to be realistic in my approach to men. I admit that I have not always been that way. At one time, I was young, had a head full of dark brown hair, and was in decent shape, but that was before I spent five years teaching spoiled rich kids in grades 7-12. Now, I am older, I have mostly gray hair which I am losing, and I’m not in the best of shape. I know I could try harder to look better, but I have always found that really difficult if you didn’t have a workout partner to keep you on track.


I just want to find someone to love me for me. I am an intelligent and kind person. I may not look like the perfect specimen of man, but I don’t think I am the ugliest man alive either. I think I have a lot to contribute to a relationship. People love to say that there is someone out there for everyone. If the adage is even true, the problem with it is that the person may live far away from you. I’m honestly afraid I will never find the person that is out there for me. He may just not exist. I just don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.


Anonymous said...

Sigh..much love to you kind sir..I can only hope your wish comes true.

JiEL said...

I'm not surprised of all you told so kindly and sincerely about your encounters.

I'm on 3 dating sites and it's always the same thing. No one wants a real and monogamous relationship. They all want to date the most hot, young, muscled, hairy, bearded and big dick men.
No interest about meeting you for who you really are.

My issue is that I'm «old», 69yo, and even if I'm a art teacher, have a university degree, have made many exhibitions and even have one of my artwork in the National Art Galery in Ottawa and many other life achievements, NO ONE cares because they only judge you on your apparence, few pictures and your age.

I've met 4 men last year, in 2019, had sexual encounters but never went more than that.

Gay men today are just looking for «sex now» and will trow you to the garbage after consumming you in bed. The bad side of our conummer society where sex is easy to purchase but LOVE is too hard to find.

I'm not that picky and dated those men that were between 20 and 53yo.

Another fact that is getting me enraged are those «happily parternered» men that are seeking sex out of their relationship and even with their spouse.
HEY, you already have a BF, let us get some happiness too.
My neighbor just the house next to mine did, last year, a HUGE gay mariage with champagne and many guesses at the party. They're together for 12 years and in their 40's.
Now one of these men is on Gay411 as «Botthomm» and is seaking sexual encounters as a bottom.

That makes me sick and disguste me.

What kind of gay society are we living in where only apparences and glamour are main values?

Anonymous said...

Darling Joe, I feel for you so much. It is not a question of sexual orientation - a relationship with another human being is indispensable, especially as the years pass. I am and have been so blessed (with my wife). I have long wished and still wish that the same can come about for you. As always, Roderick

Anonymous said...

A bold and honest post. Go, joe! Now shit's gettin' real.

RB said...

I feel for you. Vermont? Not a great place to be. It's too bad you're not right in Burlington....probably that would be a lot more fun. One bright spot is that you're not far from Montreal, which I hear is a great place for gays.

Take the perspective that rejection is a good thing. You didn't have to waste a lot of your time, and you are their loss. Few guys have great batting averages (i.e. successful dates, so don't beat yourself up.

You never know what will happen when you meet someone...rejection? awesome sex? awesome sex and a new relationship? If you don't take the risk you'll miss out on 2 and 3.

Joe said...

Thank you everybody for the encouraging words.

RB, I do get to Burlington as much as possible, but of course, right now there is no reason to. If I did live in Burlington, it might be easier to get a date, but it's not worth it to live there. Burlington is a very expensive place to live, and I'd have to drive over the mountains to work during the winter months, which is basically 6 months out of the year. I don't mind commuting, that's what audiobooks are for, but the weather can be so bad in the winter and is absolutely horrendous though the mountains.

You are right about Montreal. I love going to Montreal, sadly the border is closed right now. One of the things I love is going to the gay strip bars, because some hot guy is always going to come up and talk to you. I have no illusions, I know they see a guy by himself, and they want me to pay for a lap dance. So, they are really only after money, but dammit, even if the attention is not because he finds me attractive, it's still nice to feel wanted. We can all pretend at times, and the guys always make you feel special. Maybe that's pathetic on my part, but I have no illusion as to what's going on, so I just have fun.

RB said...

Ok, so the guy on campus who you had amazing sex with. He didn't block you, in fact he added you on Facebook. Next time he says hi could you start a conversation? Maybe his perspectives have changed. He's four years older. Maybe he hasn't seriously connected with anyone. Maybe he would give you another chance? He seems like the only possibility.

Grindr, Scruff, maybe Growlr.....this is where everyone is these days. If you're going to meet someone chances are it will be there. Don't give up.

Too bad about Burlington. But I totally get it that the weather is very treacherous in VT.

Lenny Ricci said...

Hey Joe.. I know this sounds redundant, but hang in there. I'm 72 and when I came out at 29 it was exactly the same dating scene that you are still describing today... not much has changed. Gays still want the young hottie (for the moment) and if they do let you in, which is rare, they get their jollies for a date or two and then ignore you. Screw Grinder and Tinder, and Gay411. Leave that for the instant gratification guys. Just my hunch, but you seem to be a smart, friendly, caring and sensitive man. Perhaps you might consider starting a small intimate gay dinner club.. meet once a month at one members home, everyone gets to bring something the host suggests, dinner, dessert and conversation and if anything develops from the gatherings you can take it from there. We did this in Denver when I first moved here with my then room-mate and we met lots of great people.Some guys met others and it turned into relationships that lasted 2 or so years until participants drifted apart. Just a thought. If you don't find any dates, at least you will find a way to alleviate some boredom. Good Vibes your way. Len

Joe said...

Lenny, I would love to do that because I love to cook, and I really love to cook for other people. Honestly, there is one problem that I have with organizing one. I have no gay friends. I have never really had any gay friends, no matter where I have lived. I wish I did, but I just don't. I have mentioned this before, but the Vermont LGBTQ+ community is heavy on lesbians, and gay men are spread outing always seem few and far between. There are more gay men in Burlington and probably Rutland, but not many here in Central Vermont, at least not from my experience.

Anonymous said...

So you can't meet guys at your own university, but what about Middlebury College? I imagine a decent gay population there. Maybe there's even a professor there who shares your same interests in history and literature.

Joe said...

Middlebury College is kind of out of the question, and there is a simple reason. Most people who aren't familiar with Vermont don't understand the terrain. Mountains run from north to south through the state and limited roads are between them, which is why it is easy for me to get to Burlington or White River Junction because of I-89. Other areas of the state that are on the Burlington side of the mountains are not easy to get too. Middlebury is on the other side of the mountain and is over an hour away by the fastest route which is over the mountains on little mountain roads or nearly two hours away taking major roads. However, there are four different universities in Burlington and three in nearby Montpelier, not to mention the hippie Goddard College outside of Plainfield. My best option for finding someone would probably be the University of Vermont, and I do have a lesbian friend that works there. Maybe I can get her to introduce me to someone. One of my coworkers is a much closer friend of hers, so maybe I will put a bug in my coworkers ear.

I hope no one things I am just making excuses for not meeting people. These are real concerns and obstacles. I am not giving up; I just have yet to be successful.