This weekend has been both interesting and frustrating. Saturday, was just frustrating. I drove down to Middlebury, Vermont, because I wanted to take a drive and had the time to do so. I also wanted to check out a store that’s down there, and I’d found a restaurant while looking online that I wanted to try. First of all, Middlebury is not an easy place to get to from where I live. I won’t bore you with the details about the routes to get there. I took the safer and longer way to get there, and it was not an unpleasant drive, even though it was a dreary weekend. When I got to the store, it was nothing like I’d expected, and it was a bit disappointing, but I thought I’d be able to salvage the day by having a good lunch. I got to the restaurant only to find a note on the door saying they were closed that day due to a positive COVID case. My other lunch options were limited because in Middlebury most places don’t open for lunch on Saturday. The few places I did find had very long waits for a table. Finally, I gave up and headed back home thinking I’d find a place on the way back. No such luck. I was halfway home when I finally found a place, and by then, I was very hungry. At least that meal was very good. I got home and watched football for the rest of the day. One loss, two wins. Not too bad.
Yesterday, I was chatting with a guy on Grindr, and it turns out that he’s a fellow southerner. It was a chilly and dreary day, so we decided to get together and just cuddle. Of course, it tuned into more than just cuddling, and I did something I’d never done before. I’ll be honest, there isn’t much I haven’t tried before. I’m not going to go into detail because it’s personal, but I will say this, it was surprisingly enjoyable. He seemed to find it very enjoyable too, though it was something he’d done before, I just hadn’t. Anyway, let’s just say, it was very interesting and something I’d definitely do again. I also very much enjoyed the cuddling and holding him in my arms. Sadly, he couldn’t stay too long, but he stayed a good little while. Here’s the frustrating thing: he has a partner and is in an open relationship. Apparently, they are ok with each other hooking up with other people, but they don’t seem to see a person more than once, at least that was the impression I got. It’s frustrating because we seemed to connect and have a great time, and I’d have loved to just have him as a friend, but I guess that’s not how these things go.
Grindr can be a very frustrating thing. You meet people and have a great time chatting with them, and then nothing ever materializes. The guys on there seem to fall into a few categories, at least in my opinion. One, they are closeted and they can discuss their fantasies, but when it comes to meeting up, they just don’t have the courage to do so. Two, they are married and want to cheat on their spouse, whether they are married to a man or a woman, it doesn’t matter, I am not going to fool around with a married man behind his spouse’s back. Three, they are in an open relationship, and they aren’t looking to establish any other type of relationship. Four, they are one of the catfishes (usually African or Eastern European), and they are the worst of the lot. It seems impossible to find a single, unattached guy who wants to see how things go. They exist because I’m one of them, and I can’t be the only unicorn* in the bunch. I don’t mind hookups, in fact, more often than not, I find them quite enjoyable, but I am receptive to something more if it comes along.
Just to make clear, I am fully aware that Grindr and all of the other “dating” apps are really just hookup apps. I know when I log on that mostly it’s just guys who want to get their rocks off and move on to the next guy. I told one guy the other day when he asked me, “Have alot of luck with this app?” and I said, “Mostly flakes to be honest. Guys beg to get together and when we set something up, then they all of a sudden can't get together.” Honestly, it’s amazing how often that happens. He also asked the inevitable question, “What are you looking for?” I replied, “I would really like to just find a friend who I can fuck around with….I wouldn't mind something more than a fuck buddy, but I'm being realistic. That's so hard to find.” It really s hard to find. I am a shy person so it’s hard to meet someone outside of one of the apps, but sometimes it does feel like I’m the only single gay guy around.
*Urban Dictionary defines a unicorn as being “the rare creature who is able to give you the thing you always wanted but thought you could never have.”
Using the apps to find guys seems to be the defacto way people meet and while they are used everywhere, when they first came out I thought they were best for people like you who don't live in traditional gay enclaves. While on some level the apps provide a way to connect, I'm more often hearing friends talk about how frustrating they can be.
I met my husband of 18 years on an app. We opened up in 2016.
I struggle the most with negotiating on-going intimacy with friends. What topics are emotionally safe for conversation? Is a meet-up with some romantic elements OK? Only friction and body parts? When, if ever, can one of us ask for hookup sex?
I had a small, comfortable circle of intimates. The pandemic nuked it. The worst aspect of that: "casual" means no definitive breakups or closure.
It's almost enough to turn a dude poly.
I'll never understand why gay men in a serious relationship would need to go and have sex out of the couple.
More now with the COVID-19 as it's not quite secure to do it.
When and IF I could be in that kind of serious relationship with my lover, I wouldn't go to have sex with anyone else. As sex with a lover is to me something very precious and it's built along the months and years. When you come to really know each other, you and you're partner then really knows what is the most arousing in having sex and more, making real «Love« together. A valuable intimacy that you can never have with some random hook ups.
I maybe old school but to me having sex with random men is no more than teenager's «dicks touching» or masturbation but with another fellow.
Have you tried Tinder? I had luck there for a little while. I'm not really the hookup type, but I enjoy going on dates and seeing if it leads to more.
Dylan, I’m have tried Tinder, but I haven’t had much luck with it. As silly as this may sound, I find it a little difficult to use. The swipe right or left thing confuses me. I can’t remember which way I’m supposed to swipe, and I feel bad about rejecting people. Also, I’m not good at messaging someone first, so when I do match with someone I get awkward/ nervous about sending the first message. I may give it another try though. Maybe I just need to get used to it.
Dylan? I just discocvered you on circuitous route through Muscle Lovers (a bodybuilder site)
and if I say something dumb just consider how we met, lol. Did you say you have headache
problems? I used to when young, discovered my blood sugar fell and I got too hungry, that's what caused them. Then your trip in Vt. where the restaurant was closed. Have you considered carrying some good quality energy/meal bars in your glove compartment? You must take care of your body. Was that you in the pic?
I live in South Carolina, I can relate to your frustration in meeting guys. jv
Post a Comment