Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Coming Out: “Feelings of Betrayal”

This is the second poem in this series. This poem was written near the point in my journey when I was finally beginning to come out to myself but was still struggling, trying not to admit that I was gay.

Feelings of Betrayal

Betrayal,
The mind so often does
It thinks the sinful thoughts
It wanders to the forbidden world
The world I cannot have
It fails me at times
The times I need it most
The thoughts ache
But can bring such pleasure
Betrayal, Betrayal.

Betrayal,
My hear has betrayed so many
It has been betrayed by many
The prayers for the betrayals to end
The mind is the most sinful of the organs
Mind and manhood,
Heart and appendage
Betrayal, Betrayal.

Betrayal,
The organ of pleasure
I had not yet failed
One day to agony it may
Youth and vigor keep it alive
Heart and soul,
Mind and man,
Betrayal, Betrayal.

Betrayal,
Eruptions of enjoyment
A sin in itself
Spilling the seed to prevent a sin
The agony of not acting on readiness
To stop one
Begin an unfair sin
Betrayal, Betrayal.

Betrayal, Betrayal.
Ultimate Betrayal
Forgiven Betrayal
Uncontrollable Betrayal
Aching Betrayal
Pleasurable Betrayal
Unfair Betrayal Betrayal one in all
Betrayal all in one
Life’s many betrayals
Betray, betray
The Betrayal of Life.

As I was unpacking after my move to my new house, I found a sort of diary that I wrote several years ago. Inside were three poems that I wrote about my feelings concerning coming out. A commenter on Cocks, Asses, and More the other day said that he would like to hear more about me and my coming out. I responded that I planned on doing that on this blog. When I began writing these blog posts, I was originally going to give an introduction to one of those poems, but it grew more into a personal history of my struggle with my sexuality. Also, I decided to let the words speak for themselves. So these four or five coming out posts will not contain any pictures or images (at least that is the plan at this point).

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