NOTHING

NOTHING

By Joshua Jennifer Espinoza

 

i lie around wondering

what, if anything

i should post on the internet

about the government trying

to legislate me out

of existence

i decided to say nothing

too tired today

birds make noise outside

while my back aches

from stress and bad sleep and

worse dreams

it’s autumn and the light comes in different

this house inside looks different

i haven’t breathed okay in a while

maybe a few years

can’t remember

wish i could fall back asleep

while staying aware of things

that way i can guide the dream

can make the light do its normal thing

can inhale fully without walls

compressing the air away

can fly up above this city

its modest downtown

shrinking down to model size

the people dotting around

saying isn’t it just awful

and what can we say

to make it feel less awful

and i’m there in the air

singing

               nothing

nothing

               nothing

 

 

About the Poem

 

I had found a different poem by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza called “It Is Important To Be Something” and while I was looking up information about her, I came across this poem on her Tumblr site. While a lot of “NOTHING” is about being trans, but when I read:

 

i lie around wondering

what, if anything

i should post on the internet

about the government trying

 

I decided to use this poem instead. I had spent about an hour or so trying to come up with a poem to use today, and I was “wondering / what, if anything / i should post.” This happens to me more than I’d like to admit. My life is not exactly exciting, and sometimes, I am just not up to babbling on about things other people probably have no interest in. I like talking about politics, but a lot of people don’t like political discussions. I like talking about Star Trek, but again, not all people like to listen to things about Star Trek that I find interesting. There are numerous other topics as well: a recipe I found, books I’ve read, a restaurant I went to or want to go to, important news items, etc. And while I do sometimes write about these things, sometimes I don’t write about them because I am lazy.

 

I found “NOTHING” to be an interesting poem from beginning to end, especially the final lines:

 

and what can we say

to make it feel less awful

and i’m there in the air

singing

               nothing

nothing

               nothing

 

Sometimes I feel the same way. What can I say to make things better: nothing, nothing, nothing. However, sometimes we must speak up. Being silent about what right-wing state governments (and Republicans in general) are doing to erase trans people and drag queens, trying to erase literature that they find offensive, taking retribution out on and silencing those who disagree with them, and just being all around nasty will get us nowhere. We have to speak out and most importantly we need to go vote.

 

About the Poet

 

Joshua Jennifer Espinoza is a trans woman poet and the author of I Don’t Want to Be Understood (Alice James Books, 2024), There Should Be Flowers (Civil Coping Mechanisms, 2016), and i’m alive / it hurts / i love it (Boost House, 2014). Espinoza's work covers topics like mental illness, coming out as a transgender woman, as well as universal themes like love, grief, anger, and beauty. She is a Visiting Professor of English at Occidental College in Los Angeles, California.